Betsy:
Thank you for your post. I, too, was able to spend a few years taking care of my father as he died. I watched my mother take care of him for nearly 20 years as his health steadily declined: Three total hip replacements, two open heart surgeries, gall baldder removal, surgery on both elbows and finally supra-neuclear palsey (the disease that killed Dudley Moore). The stress, I believe, ultimately killed my mother, nine months before my father died. Yes, the stress of careing for my sweetheart is definitly taking a toll on me. For the first time in our married life she went on a trip without me. I sent her to Rhode Island to spend two weeks with my daughter (my daughter's idea). Upon her return I could feel the stresses returning.
If my children were to leave their current lives to help out their old man it would possibly derail the rest of their professional lives. Ulitmately, they will have to take care of one or the both of us, but it needs to be after they are established, at least three or four years from now. I do not believe that the dogmatism of one physician should have that kind of impact upon the lives of 9 people.
On a personal note, I believe that my most important job/function/calling in my life has been completed: I've raised four of the most talented, terriffic, good and decent people I've had the pleasure to know. My oldest daughter has no guile. She is brilliant. A concert level pianist and a doctoral candidate (victorian liturature) at Brown University. She makes quilts and gives them away (she spent two years making one for us). A champion swimmer. Tall, blonde, blue-eyed, Sweet. My next daughter a beautiful singer. A master's degree in English. Champion waterpolo player. Mastered the piano in her big sister's shadow. Her most incredible talent is writing. For a sample you could go to "Feminist Mormon Housewives" web blog and read "to the lighthouse or Hell's angels" (I don't know how to insert a link). She holds a very responsible and high position at a major museum in New York City. She has met presidents of at least 5 countries and negotiated gifts with the heads of major government agencies. She also has a debilitating disease that could make her end up as her mother. Both my daughters' husbands are in the final year of completing thier Ph D's. My first son was one of the country's leading high school baseball prospects. Like many littly boys his dream was to play pro ball. He always thought of himself as a baseball player. School was something you went to so you could play baseball. And he could hit the ball really, REALLY far. but He refused an offer from a major league team to accept a full scholarship to Stanford University and to spend two years in volunteer service to his church in Australia. Upon entering Stanford he immediately suffered serious knee damage and subsequent repair. His first year at Stanford he carried ninteen credit hours, endured the three surgeries, two hours of rehabilitation and six hours of baseball practice daily (he couldn't practice, but he dressed and attended, shagging baseballs or raking dirt, whatever he could). The Dr. told the coach my son would never be able to play again, but my son wouldn't believe it. He played baseball that following summer in Ohio where he lived with the team in a warehouse. His next year at stanford the coach wouldn't play him except at the very end of a game--sometimes (the coach was afraid he'd damage his knees again). He got to the plate only 12 times that year, but he was drafted by the Seattle Mariner's Baseball team in the middle rounds. My son told them--"thank you, but I need to finish my degree at stanford, and the bonus money in this round will not pay for that". The next year he got to the plate only 37 times. By the end of the year he had only 9 hours left to get his degree from Stanford. The coach told him he was still afraid to play my son, so my son left stanford for the University of San Fransisco. He transferred his last 9 hours to Stanford to get that degree. Three days before the season started he ruptured a disk in his back that ended his baseball dreams. USF offered him an assistant coaching position, but he told them he needed to get his law degree. My last son, only 22, is beginning his 3rd year at Columbia University, again on a baseball track. He declined an appointment to West Point, again to serve his church in Chile for two years. He was only 8 when his mother became disabled. He has been my biggest assistant in careing for my bride for the last 14 years (except for those when he was in Chile or while in New York at school). These are truly extraordinary people. The first three are married and their spouses are every bit as impressive.
I apologize for the long and personal narrative, but I believe that my job, except for enjoying whatever time I have with my wife, is done. All I need to do now is to out live my dear wife. By looking into my family you will see that in good concience I cannot impose upon my children in either their schooling, careers or health. How could I say to my oldest, "you and your husband need to change your plans in the last year of your education and come and help me". Or to my next daughter, "sacrifice your career, your health and your husband's final year in school to come and help me". Or to my oldest son, "hey, you were cheated out of your biggest dream, so now I'm going to ask you to give up your next dream to come and help me". Or to my last son, "sorry, you've got to delay your own life a little longer to take care of me and your mom now". Sure, I had hoped to spend many years visiting my kids in their lives, but that dream ended with my wife's diagnosis. We have rafted the Grand Canyon and explored deserts in a four-wheel drive, snorkled in the atlantic ocean and eaten the most wonderful mexican food in San Diego. If I can spend the remaining years my wife has in good health, then they will be happy for her. After that--then I can move close to one of my kids and let them worry about me then. Not now.
Again, sorry to ramble. I'm just not used to being the one in need and it makes me want to get a lot of stuff out. I've always been the one to handle things--death, illness, business issues, estate settlement--you name it, I've likely dealt with it. This bugs the Hell out of me. The doc's are supposed to see things my way and tell the insurance company to do what I want. My inclination is to find out who is in charge and to "read to them from the book" and get this fixed. Trot out that cobalt and let's get this done. ARRGGG. I'd better stop.
Anyway Betsy, thank you again. All you folks are great. You likely know what I mean, but I've got to say it. You give me the outlet I need to vent, and you have provided so much information that cannot begin to imagine how I would have learned so much so quickly without you.
Thanks,
Dan
