I Can't Forgive. I Need Advice...

[Dog Lover]

It's late - don't know how many responses I'll get before I need to make a decision, but here it is...

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go out for a day with 3 of my cousins - a girly cousin day. Sounds like fun, right? The thing is, one of them - the one that I actually did things with before my surgery (lunch, etc - she works on the same campus that I do, but different company) hasn't said one word to me since my surgery.

We went out to lunch the day before my leave. I didn't make a huge deal of my surgery to anyone because I was totally focusing on the positive, etc. Even after her mother (my aunt) talked to her and told her that yes, it WAS a big deal and a major surgery after my cousin said she didn't think it was any big deal, I still never heard one word from her - not how are you, how you doing..anything. Not a word until they had 2 separate lay offs at work. Then she wrote me an email (to my work address no less) asking me if I still had a job. That's it besides the email saying they were getting together and wanted to know if I wanted to come.

Anyway - ever since I got the round about invite I have had a nagging feeling and have just been unsure if I wanted to go or not. I go back and forth...yes I should go, I'll have fun, I need to get out of the house --- to --- I don't want to go anywhere, I want to stay home and paint, do my taxes, rest, sleep in, etc. 

Then it just dawned on me about a 1/2 hr ago... I can't forgive her. I can't forgive her for not even sending an email asking if I was ok or how I was doing. My other 2 cousins stopped by and visited and that was really nice, but not the one who I was closer to. (I can't forgive one of my brothers and his family for the same thing, but that's another story).

I've never felt this way before. I've always been the person who forgives and moves on, but this time it was different. For me, at least. I moved back here 2 years ago after being gone for 10 years. I don't have all the friends and support from them that I had back then with the exception of one friend who stayed good friends with me, and she did what she could but she was dealing with her husband's multiple cancers at the time (and she was still there for me somewhat but was going through her own hell). Also, I'd only lived in my house/neighborhood for about 9 months before my surgery, so didn't really know anyone here yet beyond saying hi when I went for walks.

Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I didn't have any support group. Nothing from work. Nothing from far away friends, and even from some of my family. If it wasn't for my aging parents and my youngest brother and my adult kids, I don't know what I would have done.   

I guess I feel like I"ve always been there for friends / family. Calling, sending flowers, helping out if I can when friends / family have illnesses, surgeries, problems, but when I needed some support there just wasn't much there. I'm guess I'm having a hard time accepting that.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm keeping score...because I"m truely not like that, but I guess that I feel like I"ve always been there for others, and when I went through one of the hardest things in my life, where was everyone?

I just don't think I can go tomorrow. I feel selfish, childish, resentful, hurt....but I dont' think I can do it. 

Thanks for listening to me and welcome to my pity party.

Cathy

[Kaybo]

Cathy~
WOW!  That is a really tough call.  I think the most important thing is that you are now able to realize what is really going on & how you feel about the situation.  I think whether you go tomorrow is going to depend on how you really feel about the other 2 AND if you can stomach a whole day with the one that shunned!!  I would be VERY hurt also.  I had a similar situation with a very close friend when my father passes away - it wasn't directly me, but it was a very hard time for me none-the-less.  We are no longer friends, for many reasons, but i think that was when I realized what she was truly made of.  I am probably a lot like you in that I am THERE for my friends...she is not because she is very self-centered.  That was the catalyst that made me start to see what she was really like.  In her defense, I don't think that she KNOWS what to do in tough situations (deaths, illnesses, etc.) because I don't think it was modeled to her in her family - that doesn't make it right, just what I have observed with her.  However, if you have 3 cousins that grew up in the same family & 2 came to see you, that kind of blows that theory.  I think I am just rambling and have probably been no help here!  I would say that if you don't go with them, get out & do something for YOU (& mainly to get out of the house)!  That is a tough situation - I will say a quick prayer for you right now.

K

[sgerrard]

I think you should just go and find out if you like it. You may find that after half an hour, you are ready to go home, and that you are just not interested. Or you may find yourself still with them hours later, unwilling to break up the party.

I think quite a few people have difficulty dealing with major medical events in others. My brother in law was diagnosed with cancer last year, and our family is still pretty round-about-ish when it comes to discussing it. When mortality looms large, many people want to hide their head in the sand. They just don't know what to say.

One of the reasons this forum works is that everyone is in the same boat, or at least similar boats. We all know what we want and need from others, and it doesn't take long to figure out what others probably want and need from us.

I would pick a day out over doing my taxes, anyway. 

Steve

[jazzfunkanne]

Hi I had a so called friend like this, i gave her the chance to see if she had changed (no she hadent) so i dont make contact with her any more, (and i had done so much for her in the past), i have a loving family and a circle of good friends who care ,i dont need that in my life, but go along and test the water see how you get on you might enjoy it, even if she is there and doesnt mention it you will know whos your friends and whos not.

[lauralynn]

Hello Cathy,
I'm sorry that your cousin is being so inconsiderate of your situation.  I understand what you are going through.  I just was recently diagnosed this past Jan. and will have my surgery in April.  I've had more support from my friends and this forum than I have from my family.  I know how frustrated you are.  I believe one of the reasons you are so frustrated is because you know how you would handle the situation if it was your cousin that was ill.  You would be there for them, you'd offer to help, you'd check up on them to see how they were doing, you would help in whatever way you could.  I know you don't want to forgive your cousin or your family, but you can.  B Don't waste your time and energy feeling bitter towards them.  Hopefully they will come around and will become the supportive family that they should be.  I would go to lunch with your cousins.  Show your cousin that you are a strong person and don't let her have the satisfaction of robbing your joy.  Enjoy the company of your other two cousins.  Have you discussed with them your frustration towards your other cousin?  For me, since I've found out my diagnosis, I'm finding out who my true friends are.  I have family members that haven't even called me to see how I'm doing.  I've also had some that I haven't been in contact with that much and they are in touch with me now. Be patient, it may take time , but hopefully your cousin will come around.  Remember you always have friends and support here.  Send me a PM anytime.

Take care,
Laura

[QRM]

Everyone has a different ways of dealing with trauma, she probably doesn't know how to deal with it, and too embarrassed to say. Her logic may be if she totally ignores it then she is not making a big scene in the hope that it will be a calming influence on you? If you find a guy on street after an accident and its pretty obvious he is in a very bad way, do you run around like a headless chicken or just be calm cool "almost" off hand about the situation, so he doesn't panic?

I saw it in my mother, her best friend from school days was diagnosed with cancer and only had a few months left, and Mum didn't want to visit her or go to the funeral.  I asked her why, and she said she wants to remember her as she used to be, and couldn't face seeing her so sick and didn't want to accept she has died,  by not going to the funeral she feels her life long chum is still just a flight away. While I cant see it and to me it reeks of kidding yourself, but what I did see was she was very torn up inside but couldn't or refuse to show it. Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway having just become a postie myself and have a second lease on life, I figure life is to short and precious to worry about these things, it could all boil down to someone looking at a situation from a totally different perspective.

Forgive and forget and we all move on to better things. 

[suboo73]

Hopefully they will come around and will become the supportive family that they should be.  I would go to lunch with your cousins.  Show your cousin that you are a strong person and don't let her have the satisfaction of robbing your joy.  Enjoy the company of your other two cousins. Laura

Hi Cathy - yes, i have this scenario, too - so what to do, what to do?  If you enjoy the two cousins, then giving it a try might work, and at least you know they care.  (Why let the third cousin spoil the fun?)

My relative has been thru much with the death of parents and although i think she cares, will NOT deal with other people's health issues.  In fact, the e-mail response i got was:  we are all getting old, past our prime, falling apart.  OMG!!!  At 53, i don't think i am there QUITE yet, though i am no longer thinking of things like having more children. 

I know i cannot spend too much time with those in the negative - i don't want or need that!
I hope today is a GOOD day for you and you find joy in whatever you do!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I know you will do what is best for you.

Sincerely,
Sue

[msmaggie]

Hi Cathy,

I am very sure you are hurt and angry about being ignored by your cousin during a time when you were facing a big challenge.  I wrestled with that same feeling when my husband and I lost a baby.  Our second little boy was stillborn, and one of my very best friends had little or nothing to say about it.   It bothered me for years until I finally understood that  a) she had no real experience with that sort of situation and had no idea how to respond, and b) she is the kind of person who avoids all awkward/confrontational kinds if situations.  I have since forgiven her and moved on.

Having said that, I would go and enjoy the other two cousins.  If you have the opportunity and it comes up, I would be tempted to just "mention" what a traumatic experience your surgery was  .  Maybe she will be moved to say something about it.  If not, it should not be your problem.  I guess I am like a lot of the other posties and realize that life it too precious to dwell on the negatives things.  Glory in the company of people you love, every chance you get!  Have a pity party if you need to, but don't let it stop you from having a good time.

Priscilla

[Dog Lover]

Well, I decided not to go, but ended up for different reasons. You all are right...I can't let stuff like that keep me from going out and doing things because in the end the only one I hurt is myself.

Deciding factor was that my stomach was upset this morning (still off, but not horrible). That and I found out what they planned to do...go watch someone tap some maple trees. I didn't find that appealing to me, so I bowed out, visited with some "real" friends on the phone this morning, did some more planning for an group we are organizing (Animal Resource Foundation - a fund raising group to help animal rescue groups, rescue dogs, etc. with expenses, such as vet bills and accomidations to help the animals). In a bit I'm heading down to my folk's house and am going to spend some time with my mom. It's a beautiful day so I can get her out, too and we can have some good mum/daughter time together. That works for me. 

Thanks for your responses. Sometimes Friday nights are hard....I'm exhausted from the week and things always seem worse when I'm tired.

Cathy

[Dog Lover]

I ended up having a GREAT day. I picked up my mom and we went to the casino. I've never been there before, but she's a regular.  We went to a "craft show" first and then meandered over to the casino part. BEAUTIFUL place - very high end. They even have a no-smoking gambling section and it was nice.

I'm not much of a gamble (actually been about 2 or 3 times ever) but I figured what the heck. I had $20 in my purse. I played the penny machines (makes it last longer) and eventually walked away $55 richer! What a fun afternoon. 

Oh, and I have to say that there were a LOT of people there, lots of lights flashing and movement, watching the spinning of the slot machines, music in the background and eventually a live band. AND I DID GREAT!!

I have to admit that I was pooped when we left and just went home instead of staying at my folk's for dinner, and a TINGE of wonky headedness, but considering the amount of stimulation that I had today, I'm pleased with my outcome. (Hope I'm still feeling this way tomorrow!) LOL.

Cathy

[Sonja]

Cathy:
I understand why you would be hurt. Sometimes people surprise us and do not respond or support us as we would have expected them. Sometimes we expect people to do what we would if the shoe was on the other foot. I know that sometimes people do not reach out because they do not want to deal with a major surgery, illness or whatever. But it’s not about them it’s about the person that needs their support. It’s selfish of them, I know. You do not have to hang out or deal with your cousin if you do not choose to, but you should forgive her. You need to forgive her for you.

I was also hurt because one of my friends and my husband’s family were not there for me.  I can’t say I have forgiven them but I am working on it and know that I have to forgive.

I am glad you went out with your Mom and had a wonderful time.
Sonja

[Patti]

cathy-i had some of those situations after my surgery.  it was so baffling why certain good friends did not call or visit.  the thing is, i love them.  so i stopped waiting and pushed myself back into their lives.  these friends don't feel comfortable with sickness.  one, in particular, was too scared and wanted to give me privacy (which i did not ask for).  that's how she rolls in her own life.  i know she loves me.  we are better friends now.  the other i still can't quite figure.  she has a very hectic life and her own health problems.  and i went to my class reunion the week before surgery and had so much concern from so-called friends but never heard from them again.  i didn't love them so it didn't matter.  so i guess my advice is-if you love your cousin, get back into her life.  when you are back, if you don't feel the love-then move on.  patti

[Jim Scott]

Cathy ~

I encountered your original post too late to offer any advice but I'm pleased to learn that things worked out quite well.  Congratulations on your winnings and for having such a pleasant day! 

I'm a believer in forgiving (really forgiving, not just saying the words with no meaning behind them) because when you harbor ill feelings, it usually hurts you a lot more than the person you're busy resenting - for whatever reason.  However, that doesn't mean that by forgiving you're obligated to be lifelong friends with the person in question.  You can remain friendly, (no snide remarks or pointed refusals to associate with them) but diplomatically avoid a lot of optional social contact and excursions, such as the one you didn't attend.  Whether or not the other person notices or cares about your absence, you'll remain open and civil but avoid having to 'hang out' with someone that will, inevitably, arouse negative emotions in you that are totally unproductive and unnecessary.

Here's hoping you have a rapid recovery from your casino excursion and can enjoy spending your winnings! 

Jim

[Syl]

Cathy:

It is not easy being a forgiving person. I'm one who tends to hold a grudge, but I try to focus on the positive.

In my case I'm so grateful to have the wonderful people who did help me out before and esp. after my AN surgery. My sister and her family let me stay at their home for 2 wks after my surgery. My brother and his family also made a room available for me if I needed it. There were other folks that demonstrated they cared by calling my family for updates on my condition or by visiting me when I was able to take visitors at home.

On the other hand, my mother--yes, I said mother--and 2 other siblings never visited me in the hospital. I can understand that it wasn't easy visiting me in a hospital in another town. But for geez sake, we live in the same town--they never came to visit me at my sister's house or even my own home. The more I thought about it, the more grateful I was that they didn't visit me. These folks are not the most cheerful bunch, and I didn't need to hear anything that would bring me down and affect my recovery. So instead of holding a grudge I'm grateful some folks stayed out of my way during such a difficult time.

So, Cathy, may I suggest you focus on those who were there instead of wasting valuable energy thinking about those that should have been there.

Syl

[Dog Lover]

All good advice and I agree. My cousin may even be a bit easier to forgive, or at least forget...my brother on the other hand...that one will take some work.

Focusing on the positive is most definately more productive and a better way to spend my energy on.

Thank you all.

Cathy