It's late - don't know how many responses I'll get before I need to make a decision, but here it is...
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go out for a day with 3 of my cousins - a girly cousin day. Sounds like fun, right? The thing is, one of them - the one that I actually did things with before my surgery (lunch, etc - she works on the same campus that I do, but different company) hasn't said one word to me since my surgery.
We went out to lunch the day before my leave. I didn't make a huge deal of my surgery to anyone because I was totally focusing on the positive, etc. Even after her mother (my aunt) talked to her and told her that yes, it WAS a big deal and a major surgery after my cousin said she didn't think it was any big deal, I still never heard one word from her - not how are you, how you doing..anything. Not a word until they had 2 separate lay offs at work. Then she wrote me an email (to my work address no less) asking me if I still had a job. That's it besides the email saying they were getting together and wanted to know if I wanted to come.
Anyway - ever since I got the round about invite I have had a nagging feeling and have just been unsure if I wanted to go or not. I go back and forth...yes I should go, I'll have fun, I need to get out of the house --- to --- I don't want to go anywhere, I want to stay home and paint, do my taxes, rest, sleep in, etc.
Then it just dawned on me about a 1/2 hr ago... I can't forgive her. I can't forgive her for not even sending an email asking if I was ok or how I was doing. My other 2 cousins stopped by and visited and that was really nice, but not the one who I was closer to. (I can't forgive one of my brothers and his family for the same thing, but that's another story).
I've never felt this way before. I've always been the person who forgives and moves on, but this time it was different. For me, at least. I moved back here 2 years ago after being gone for 10 years. I don't have all the friends and support from them that I had back then with the exception of one friend who stayed good friends with me, and she did what she could but she was dealing with her husband's multiple cancers at the time (and she was still there for me somewhat but was going through her own hell). Also, I'd only lived in my house/neighborhood for about 9 months before my surgery, so didn't really know anyone here yet beyond saying hi when I went for walks.
Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I didn't have any support group. Nothing from work. Nothing from far away friends, and even from some of my family. If it wasn't for my aging parents and my youngest brother and my adult kids, I don't know what I would have done.
I guess I feel like I"ve always been there for friends / family. Calling, sending flowers, helping out if I can when friends / family have illnesses, surgeries, problems, but when I needed some support there just wasn't much there. I'm guess I'm having a hard time accepting that.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm keeping score...because I"m truely not like that, but I guess that I feel like I"ve always been there for others, and when I went through one of the hardest things in my life, where was everyone?
I just don't think I can go tomorrow. I feel selfish, childish, resentful, hurt....but I dont' think I can do it.
Thanks for listening to me and welcome to my pity party.
Cathy