Turning Down Social Invitations

[Catflower]

I was just wondering how others handle the many social situations this time of the year.  How do you bow out gracefully if you just can't stand the overstimulation of large crowds and lots of noise.  It must sound like a really bad excuse to "normal" people.  My husband has a large, loud family and they really frown on my not participating in get togethers.  Hubby says he understands.

Linda

[Kaybo]

Linda~
I would (& have) always been VERY honest.  There are hardly any situations that I turn down because of "noise" but I have had to curb some activities because I just get too tired if I try to do way too much - I have to kind of pace myself.  I don't let that person know that I am choosing another activity over theirs, I just make it sound like that on a certain night/time, I will be too tired!
Another option is to go to the event and just leave early...Good Luck!

K   

[Jim Scott]

Linda:

I haven't had a big issue with this specific problem as we have a fairly small family but on the few occasions a situation like this has arisen, I've simply done as Kay recommended and left early.  I think it's optional whether you wish to cite your AN-related deficits or simply say you're tired or whatever seems plausible and is relatively honest, without going into a too-involved explanation.   This way, you've shown up, 'participated' (meet and greet, have a drink, snack, etc) and still can escape before you're overloaded.  I think it's the best compromise between fomenting family discord or messing yourself up with sensory overload.  If your husband understands, he should help run interference for you with his family on those occasions when you try to exit gracefully from a too-noisy familial gathering. 

Jim

[MAlegant]

Linda,
I don't have hearing issues, but other issues that make me want to turn down ALL social invitations.  (Food on my face, wine dripping on my chin, stuff like that.)  I have forced myself to go, more often in fact than I did pre-tumor, and I am almost always happy I did. I can't speak to the noise issue but I'm sure others will chime in.  Don't deprive yourself of a social life if you can, it turns out that it really helps restore a feeling of normalcy.  That being said, I understand the instinct to want to stay home, cocooned and safe.  Hang in there.
Best,
Marci

[wendysig]

Hi Lnda,
The only loud, noisy events I've had experience with so far is going out to restaurants, which I do find can become slightly unpleasant if it is too noisy.   I now have one favorite restaurant -- the dining room is broken into two separate rooms, floors are carpeted and the ceiling has what I thiink might be acoustic tiles so maybe the owner is noise sensitive too -- either that or extremely considerate of his patrons.  I won't say the restaurant is quiet, but moreso than most.  Tomorrow will be a test of sorts -- Thanksgiving at my brother's house with about 30 people.  Thankfully only three are small children, but kids are kids and do make noise, plus that many people in a medium sized house is bound to be loud.  If it gets on my nerves I'll probably go outside for a while and even (unheard of for me) possibly leave early.  Mostly, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone all at once but I guess the experience could turn out not to be what I'm  hoping for.  Everyone usually comes to my house for dessert on Christmas (I used to host the whole dinner but this is what everyone wants/needs to do), so Thanksgiving will give me a glimpse of what that will be like this year.

Wendy

[Joef]

Look into getting some ear plugs.... not to get rid of all the noise totally... just to reduce it !

I was at my wife's company x-mass party last year... and she asked me not to stand with my legs so far apart and that I always do that... ... I kinda looked at her strange and it hit me... I've been doing this for YEARS... to help my balance without realizing it! ... (plus with a few drinks in me) ... I needed the wider stance to compensate for the poor balance!

ps... her friends and co-workers were all standing around the band!! .. the sound level was off the scale... I hated it... plus I could not take part in any small talk... I finally wandered off .. once dinner started I was fine....

[MKLady]

Linda,

I totally understand your issue with loud noisy places.  I went to a conference for work back in October and it was awful.  The ceilings were high which seems to make the "white" noise worse and it was crowded at times with everyone talking at once.  I couldn't focus on what anyone was saying.  I just could hear it.  Thank goodness I had a co-worker with me to translate.  She would just repeat things into the good ear. 

I think Kaybo was on the right track by suggesting that you just be honest and explain the difficulty in these environments.  That way you could stop in briefly to see everyone and then graciously bow out early. 

Susan

[Tisha]

Hi DonnaLynn,

You sound a lot like me.  I hate turning down social invitations and just can't do it.  I love being around people, my girlfriends, parties, etc.   But I do find that after a couple of hours, I do start getting tired of "working at hearing".  Because it is work, in the busy social enviroments...even homes with regular ceilngs and carpeting with 25-30 people.  I can tell I'm getting tired because when I don't understand something, I find that I stop asking them to repeat it and just smile along or act like I knew what they were saying with the look on my face, or whatever.  I haven't told many people yet. 

The only social occassion that I really hesitate is in ballrooms with 200+ people having dinner.  I went to my son's H.S. fundraiser a few weeks ago at a luncheon/fashion show.  I was really ready to leave that after about 90 minutes, could hardly understand the ladies sitting next to me.  But I still go.  I think I would be depressed isolating myself, while this is just an annoyance sometimes.

Anyway, I'm off to another large social gathering at a home today....a cookie exchange.  Those are so fun! 

I'm still waiting to talk to Phyl's doc at BI, then make my decision as to where I go there or Stanford.  I'm getting closer to having something done and a bit more scared because of that decision. 

Talk soon.  Tisha

[lori67]

Linda,

You are welcome to come to my house - it will help you develop a tolerance for loud noise - 4 kids, 2 dogs...trust me - lots of noise.  After a while you'll learn to block it all out!

I haven't really turned down any social invitations, but I will admit that I've used the hearing/facial/fatigue issues as an excuse to avoid some that I really didn't want to go to in the first place.   

Everyone has a limit to how much stimulation they can handle before feeling awful, so before you hit your limit, you can always make an early departure, or excuse yourself and head to a quieter room.  At least that way you made an appearance.

Lori

[Catflower]

I'm really going to test all of the great advice you great folks have given me.  My step-daughter is having a combination birthday party next Saturday.  My step-grandson will be 3 on December 22 and my step-granddaughter will be one on December 7. 

Linda

[lori67]

I say stay for the cake and then while the kids are all enjoying their sugar rush, you sneak out the back door!   

Lori

[Catflower]

I say stay for the cake and then while the kids are all enjoying their sugar rush, you sneak out the back door!   

Lori

That is exactly my plan

Linda

[leapyrtwins]

Linda -

I think the solution here is to show up for the amount of time you find tolerable and then make a graceful exit - or just sneak off when no one is looking - depending on the situation 

Don't let SSD get the better of you and make you cut yourself off from social functions that you typically enjoy; it can lead to depression and feelings of isolation.

Just choose your social invitations wisely and you'll be fine.

Hope the birthday party is fun.

Jan

[chocolatetruffle]

i'm with jan, don't let SDD defeat you, play it to your advantage and know some "tricks" so you can still enjoy social functions.

i usually hang out on the "outskirts" of the conversation where noise volume is usually lower - and do small conversations with 2-3 people.  I also "check out" the table seating before the party or meeting, so i can position myself strategically.  And if it really gets too loud, i will whip out my earplugs 

don't think too much about it, go with the flow and enjoy the company and food. have a good holiday!

[stoneaxe]

That has been a frustration for me for sure. It doesn't even have to be all that noisy...just a few conversations going on at once causes me problems. Meetings at work became an issue for me when occasionally more than one person would be talking. The sentences just get mixed up. I wasn't embarassed at all to ask folks to keep it to one speaker at a time.

Social situations with music are very tough. I don't let it stop me though...my wife and I love to dance. The funkier the better. We just can't talk on the dance floor.. . Again, I just tell folks I'm 1/2 deaf and ask them to repeat something if necessary. Frustrating for sure but I'm not going to let it stop me from enjoying myself.

The tips here are all good. When seating for dinner or a meeting I always position my hearing ear to best advantage. If need be I'll even ask someone to give me their seat and explain why.  My wife always sits to my right and if she thinks I didn't hear something that was asked of me will repeat it for me. All my friends and colleagues now know that i need to seat so that I can hear.