Facial Paralysis wrecking marriage......

[CROOKEDSMILE]

yeah. I know a little too personal but I really need to get this out. Prior to surgery my marriage was fantastic. Over the last 15 months I've dealt with facial paralysis and it has been very hard on my marriage. I really don't know what to do nor do I expect any of you to have the answers. It is just sooo stressful on me and my husband...he has had to deal with my depression and moods which I'm sure have not been a cakewalk. And I've also had to deal with his stresses over the economy and being a business owner. Last night we discussed divorce. We have two little boys and hate to split the family as we have always been a very tight knit family. It is just recently that we have hit a brick wall that we can't seem to get past. I do miss my old life...who would have known that post op complications could cause divorce. Please include us in your prayers.
Angie

[Sue]

Oh Angie, I'm so sorry.  Can some kind of counseling help?  Times are tought - the economic downturn puts a lot of stress on all of us, and then medical issues don't help either.  It can make or break a relationship.  My husband's cousin's daughter was in an automobile accident and was left paralyized and in a wheel chair.  Adios husband.  My cousin's son has a wife who had a stroke when she was in childbirth and is left with facial paralysis on one side and this has been many years ago now and they are still together and I guess happily married. 

I'm not sure what happened to the "For Better or For Worse" part, and "In sickness and in health"?

Thinking of you and hoping this all works out for you,

Sue in Vancouver USA

[yardtick]

Wow Angie,

I'm very sorry for the state of your marriage.  Marriage is very hard work.  I'm speaking from 24 years of experience.  When it's good, it's very good and when it's bad it just stinks.  My gut feeling is something else is going on.  I too suffer from depression, blinding headaches, facial pain and spasms.  I've been off work since April.  My husband and I have had our moments over the last few years.  We are both frustrated over the situation.  Louie works in health care and I know he can't stand to see me in pain.  It also bothers him that I'm not as energetic as I use to be.  My lower energy levels also gets me down, but this is my life for now.  It is one day at a time.

The economy in Canada hasn't been hit as hard as the US economy, but I can relate to what you are going through.  Back during the recession of the late 80's and early 90's my husband was self employed.  We had four little baby boys, a mortgage and I was not working.  My husband began suffering from severe anxiety attacks three weeks after our last baby was born.  He needed medication, counseling and had to continue working to pay the bills.  We ate a lot of pasta and beans let me tell you.  Christmases and birthdays were very lean.  We did what we had to do because of the boys and because of our wedding vows, "For richer and poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others"  We chose to get married, we chose to have our children and we made a commitment to each other, our families and friends and God to make the marriage work. 

Maybe you need to focus on the positive and all the wonderful things that drew you to each other.  Our outer beauty does attract no doubt but its our inner beauty that's loved.  The economy will improve.  I know this from first hand experience.  You will be much wiser as a result.  I hope you are under a physician's care for your mood swings and depression, for that too will improve.  Before you throw in the towel on your marriage both of you have to thank God for all of your blessings.  Your first blessing and this is just my opinion, you are alive.  You maybe a little beaten at the moment but you are alive.  Secondly you have two lovely sons as a result of your love for each other and I think our children are our greatest blessings in life.  Seek counseling.  Your babies need the both of you together.

Again these are all my opinions.  I wish you the best.  I will pray for you and your family.  I honestly feel for your health and mental well being you and your husband need to really soul search before calling it quits. 

Anne Marie


 

[MAlegant]

So sorry to hear this.  As if marriage isn't hard enough, these situations test even the best relationships.  I agree that couples counseling might be helpful, and couldn't hurt, right?  I hope things work out for you.
All best,
Marci

[leapyrtwins]

Angie -

It sounds like you are going through some tough times, but try to hang in there, if for nothing else the sake of your children.  I know that's not the best advice, but unfortunately it tends to be the kids who suffer in a divorce and unless you are in a situation that's abusive or unhealthy for you or them, I'd try to stick it out.

I'm divorced and trust me, it's no picnic and it will shape your children's lives forever.  In my case, my relationship was abusive and unhealthy for me and both my children, so divorce was inevitable and turned out to be my only realistic choice.  I wish there had been some other way.

IMO you should try counseling either as a couple or as individuals.  The things you mention, stress over the economy and your husband's business, depression, etc., take a huge toll and I've found it's very helpful to talk to someone "outside the situation" to gain new insights and new perspectives. 

Hang in there; I wish you the best with this tough situation.

Jan

[CROOKEDSMILE]

Thanks guys. Ya know...it's strange because my husband's business has never been stronger. He is booked in business until Spring of next year. He owns Home remodeling business. He is stressed over what could happen a year from now with the economy and his business and his customers ability to get loans. But He is swamped! But it has come out that his stress is really due to ME. I really think that most of this stems from having a wife with facial paralysis and the stress that it has caused in our lives. It has changed our lives for sure. We use to have dinner parties and wine tasting parties at our home...We use to open our home for viewing during the Historic District Home Tours in Little Rock, we use to join friends for outings, travel, etc. Now I'm always too tired......or I don't want to get dressed up and go out because I don't look like I use to, etc. I have gotten stronger from all of this but now all of a sudden it is tearing us apart. We had even planned on expanding our family which I definately won't agree to if we make it through this. Facial paralysis, Fatigue, Depression, Headaches, Eyeaches, Facial Therapy, etc....Our lives revolve around this. It stinks. Thank goodness that we do come from a line of strong family values....neither he nor I come from divorced parents which says alot these days and I know that we love each other but damn this is hard.
Angie

[Raydean]

Hi Angie

Along with everyone else I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this along with everything else. I also agree that counselling would be a good idea for the both of us and/or as individuals.
 
 My husband  also had facial paralysis, I do know how difficult things can be.   As bad as things are, you are both still talking.  That's a good beginning.  You know Angie, it's hardly ever one big thing that leads a couple to divorce.  More often then not it's the "last straw"  A combination of things that adds up with something being the final straw that broke the camel's back.  Maybe  we could help to unload that camel's back.

You mention that you're 15 months post op.  That's a stressful time period.  The hope of improvements is fading, but you're still holding onto the possibility of the things to come. All of the "what ifs" the spoken and unspoken ones are running thru your brain.  If possible find out your medical options as far as the facial paralysis. Use this time to research and figure what options you are comfortable with.  Have a plan ready so that someday when you're farther down this journey you won't look back and say "if only".  Talk to your Doctor about the depression. Consider taking medications that will help with the depression and mood swings.

Angie, you've been thru some life changing events, that involved majors losses.  Sometimes we're so busy "being the strong one" that we don't take the time to acknowledge the losses, and the anger, nor do we allow ourselves to grieve.  But in any major event we need to walk thru the stages till we reach the place of peace and acceptance. If we don't it will have an affect on our relationships and how we view and feel about ourselves. 

I also want you to know that you are still a beautiful person, inside and out!!!!  It's easy to forget when you're dealing with facial paralysis on a daily basis.  You are not less then before, if anything you are more then before.  The  person you  were before is still there, you're still the same person that your husband fell in love with.  All of the wonderful qualities that he saw in you, remain in you. Just as all of his wonderful qualities remain.  Sometimes  things in life just  make them cloudy and hard to see.

I am hopeful that you and your husband can work thru the issues one at a time, till you reach the place where you can truly see each other ( and there is no more straws on that camel's back)

Know that you and your family will be in my prayers.

Hugs and Love
Raydean
 


 

[Jim Scott]

Angie:

I'm very sorry to learn of your marital problems but I will surely pray for you and you husband to be able to get past this hurdle in your marriage.  I have to echo the prior recommendations of seeking joint marriage counseling. 

My wife (Tina) and I are in our 39th year of marriage.  Naturally, we've had our ups and downs; from financial worries to the stress of pursuing careers, raising a child and even occasional job-related separations.  Through it all, I doubt either of us ever seriously considered divorce.  I came from what used to be called 'a broken home'.  My parents divorced when I was 12 and it had a lasting impact on me and my younger (by 5 years) sister.  I was determined not to put a child through that and was very cautious about choosing my life's partner.  I didn't marry until I was 27 because I wanted to be sure of who I was marrying.  My wife (Tina) has a very strong character, much integrity,  is honest and has the biblical 'servants heart'.  She has had numerous physical challenges over the past 15 years and is often in pain but she handles it well and only occasionally complains.  If she does, I know it's bad.  My wife is on long-term disability leave from her management position but remains very active and refuses to let the pain and other issues control her life.  My admiration for her knows no bounds and I do what I can for her, including taking over the housework chores that she no longer can handle as easily as she once did.  I can.  She, in turn, without my asking, handles things that I find onerous, such as calling the insurance company to negotiate our claims.  She is very patient, sweetly reasonable and logical on the phone with insurance company representatives but she is also steely and determined about getting what is due us (in coverage) and she never gives up.  This I what I consider a real talent and I defer to her when such issues arise.  I mention this because I believe it demonstrates how we try to balance each others strengths and weaknesses.  Tina has always been attractive to me and while the world may not see her as a beauty queen, she is to me.  However, I love her for who she is and while her appearance is not unimportant to me, it is hardly the core of our relationship.  However, your facial issues, along with your husband's stresses, are real and have to be addressed.  I trust they can and will be, as equal partners and with all good intentions to carry each other through these difficult times in your life. 

Following my AN surgery, I was extremely short-tempered with Tina.  She later confided that she was concerned about being able to remain my wife if this was going to be the 'new me'.  Fortunately, it wasn't and, in time, my usual charming disposition returned.    I've apologized to Tina for my 'temporary personality disorder', as we jokingly call it, and we can laugh about, now.   I wish the same for you and your husband as you deal with the stresses in your life.  Please know that you'll not only be in my prayers but those of many others - and I know from experience that prayer changes things.   

I wish you peace and solace in the days to come. 

Jim

[CROOKEDSMILE]

Raydean,
Your post was well-put and so thoughtful. I do know that Hunter (husband) has had to be the "strong person" in all of this and take up the slack when I don't want to or can't do something and I'm sure that he is worn out. I do hope that we come through this storm as we have had marital bliss the last 7 years. Thank you for your words of encouragement and it is really neat hearing advice from a spouse of a person with facial paralysis. It helps me to understand my husband's frustrations and needs. It's been hard on us all and I just pray that my kids remember me as a fun and loving mother that I used to be. I'm still loving of course but need to improve on the fun part and get on with living life.....It breaks my heart when they say...."but Mom you used to do (whatever)" They are growing up so fast and I feel like these past 15 months have been lost in misery.
Thanks again for your time and compassion.
Angie
Kay...if you're out there reading this.......You are my role model and my inspiration! I saw an 18 wheeler the other day on the freeway and the name of the business on the side was Kaycan.....Yes... I thought of you....

[mimoore]

Raydean you said it so wonderfully.
My thoughts are with you Angie. I am sending you strength and courage. "Courage - Not the absence of fear or despair but the strength to conquer them" ~ authour unknown.
I asked my husband what he thought and he said that it is hard to hear my 'problems' day in and day out. He loves me and doesn't see what is so bad. I am alive and truly he doesn't always know what to say. Honestly I don't know what I want him to say either. We have experienced a loss and apparently we need to make the best of it. As for the dinner parties and entertaining with friends and really if they are your friends they will love you no matter what. It will also show your husband how strong you really are.
At six weeks post op my husband and I had a huge argument and I kept thinking how could he speak to me like that I just had brain surgery. He snapped, had caregiver burnout, the stress of the long surgery, almost losing me, trying to be strong for the whole family was too much. Don't get me wrong we love each other it just gets really hard sometimes, I understand. They think, what's her issue? My husband thinks I am back to normal... whatever! I try really hard not to just say negative things to him and believe me this has not been an easy road for me either. I am on an anti-depressant (prozac) and if not I would stay curled in a ball on my bed crying all day. Live your life, tell your husband you love him and need his strength too right now. Don't give up this is a rough patch, you will get through this.
I am here for you as everyone else is - we understand.
Michelle  

[Kaybo]

Angie~
Of course I am reading this...in fact I had it saved on my screen so I could think & pray about what I wanted to write back.  I WILL be calling you (hopefully tomorrow) BUT...I think that you have already received some WONDERFUL feedback.  First, as Cheri said the other day - marriage is not just you & your hubby - it's God too.  I know that you are certainly praying about this - DON'T STOP (& there are MANY of us here praying for you too).  Second, I agree with everyone else in seeking some couseling - I think it could be beneficial to do individual and couples.  I have never had any couseling or medication during this whole AN journey, but I will be the first to say that if I EVER thought that I needed it, I'd be right there knocking (banging!) on the door.  God provided those with the skills to help you along the journey-they can be a good thing - take advantage of them.  I think it helped TONS that we did not have children yet when I had my surgery so there was no pre-AN with kiddos to compare it to.  There was certainly the social aspect, but I think that kids throw a "whole nother" wrench in everyone's lifestyle - that's not bad - just an adjustment for everyone (even those without brain surgery!).  Has Hunter had a weekend away - just him?  I know that sometimes, Dave just needs a little time for HIM (especially since he was a bachelor for so long on his own) - he has a good friend from college that lives in OKC and they might just meet up halfway for the afternoon, but it gives him some time alone in the car and then time with a good friend that he can really talk to if he needs to.  I need to do better about letting him do that more!   I am certainly no wonder woman, & by no means do I have this all figured out, but I will be here for you.  Thank you for your sweet comments...I think I like "Kaycan" but it makes me think of a song at church that repeats "God can...only God can!" over several times - it is not my favorite song but the words get stuck in my head and I figure what could be a better thing to be saying over & over to myself?  I think you should repeat that over & over to yourself too!! 

Hugs,
K

<3  <3  <3  <3  <3  <3  <3  (sideways hearts!)

[saralynn143]

Angie, I just about started to cry as I read this. I am so sorry that your marriage has been affected in this way. Please know that I too am praying for you, your husband, your marriage and your family.

Love you,
Sara

[CROOKEDSMILE]

Thanks everyone for your replies and even more for your prayers. I'm sure we'll pull through this.
Angie

[MaryBKAriz]

Hi Angie,

I am sending you a big hug! I, too - like Jim - have been married for almost 40 years. There are ups and downs and sometimes the issues seem unsurmountable. What we have found is after we have traveled through one of the dark valleys of our relationship we come out the other side stronger, more committed and more in love. We made it through together and love the other one more because we see the dedication of the other to get through it.

You mention socializing. I, too used to be a social butterfly and our home was the center of activity for family and friends. That has greatly diminished. I get too tired and too dizzy. My husband realized my loss, though, and planned a party for my 60th. Instead of having an evening party, we had a Sunday afternoon party. It was low key, paper plate, veggie tray, chips and dips kind of affair. No one cared. Everyone was just so happy to be able to spend that time together. I had a stool available to sit on, yet I could visit at eye level. I can't even tell you what it did for my outlook. The people that love you will understand you get tired easily and will listen if you tell them about your sadness over the paralysis. Give them the chance to also see your spirit and glimpses of the pre-AN you. You and your husband will also see that and be encouraged. After all, you are still you.

One of your strongest statements was a key to find your way out. "Thank goodness that we do come from a line of strong family values....neither he nor I come from divorced parents which says alot these days and I know that we love each other but damn this is hard." I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you work through this hard time. But if you know you love each other you will get through this stronger than ever. It may take counselling. We went and found it quite helpful and learned our stumbling blocks so we can avoid them. We have learned to listen better as well as share our opinions, ideas better. Communication skills.

Take care of yourself,

Mary

[Soundy]

I will keep you in my thoughts ... as others have said I would look for counseling and see if you can
work things out... my first marriage was abusive and divorce was a must after 15 plus years of trying to
fix something I couldn't ... if it is stress there is a big chance it can be fixed... my boys were better
for the divorce , but my two little girls would be devastated if me and their dad split...


4cm in Pacific Northwest's "15 month" post makes me think ...

I hit 16 months yesterday... the past month has been rough... truth be know the couple weeks before
anniversary up until now has been rough...

I feel rotten , insurance issues out the ears (or ear) , I am tired , in pain much of the time , food taste bad,
my eye either drips or is dry, I say s**t alot (post surgical tourette's) , I can't walk a straight line , the farm I
love is just the place I live not my home anymore as I have had to give up chores that I used to take in stride
due to both safety issues and not being able to navigate around it on my own two feet...and I snap at my
husband and sometimes I am mean to him for no real reason.. this is not me ...or wasn't before surgery... he
just takes it in stride and kisses my forehead and goes on as if I didn't just chew him out for something as simple
as letting a pair of corduroy pants get in a load of towels and come out covered in lint... simple fix...toss in dryer
and lint was gone ... but I blew it out of proportion... and it is little non important things (straws if you will ) that
finally make me snap

we rarely do things together as a family anymore...I can't keep up or after a while get headachy ... so I sit at
home reading while he takes the girls hiking , skating , movies, Mall Shopping (which he hates but does because the
Mall makes my head spin and the girls like it ) .. I feel left out and alone ... they would cut their trip short because
I was getting a headache or just had to stop but why should they when they are fine ...

I see him out of the corner of my eye watching me sometimes ... to chicken to ask him what he is thinking... this
has changed my personality and sometimes I make it worse by trying to go on as if things are fine and nothing
has changed... the kids at times get mad at me cause I do things wrong or have to make them repeat
sometihng...

I told the 9 year old the other day that by now she should know what ear I can hear from and
if she didn't remember to just be quiet... we were  in the school gym at an assembly and she was on wrong side
jabbering a mile a minute and I heard her voice but what she was saying was lost... but I could hear what the boy on
my hearing side was saying fine ...I apologized but still feel like the worst mom in the world for saying what I did ...
she said it was fine and she wasn't mad at me but the way she looked at me still haunts me ....

What I am trying to say is it is rough... by 15 months you know things are working or not and it is
stressful for you and everyone around you ... both to deal with the physical limitations and the emotional end of dealing
with the loss of who you were before...

my husband would tell me before the one year mark that I would be fine since the tumor was gone ...but I
couldn't  explain to him how not alright things are ... I did make him read some things posted here that I had been
trying to tell him and he just didn't get... reading the same things from other people in my boat has helped... he is
more patient and understanding ..

we still have our moments and I am usually the one that brings on the extra stress... I don't seem angry to myself or others
for the most part... but over last several weeks have come to realize I am mad and take it out on my husband... my
doctor told me today that he thinks I snap at Bo because I trust him more than anyone and feel safe venting on him
because I know he can take it ...maybe he can take it but he shouldn't have to... he shouldn't have to deal with the
after effects of my surgery to the extent he has ... I am lucky to have him and have thought if we parted I would
just as soon leave the world as not be with him... and I fear I will push him away and lose him ... after I have been
short with him he will let me cool down and then come to hug me make sure I am OK and tell me things are gonna
be alright... and I wonder why he keeps coming back again and again for more abuse ... he says he loves me and we
will get through this ... and I think we will...