Am I depressed? Or is this normal?

[JulieE]

For Nicole - I thought I had to be positive all the time on my blog: sort of a continuation of pre-surgery, when you build yourself up and build other people up (and you allow them to build you up - it is definately a give and take) for the event.  But I found my self too frustrated and angry to come up with something purely positive to post about a month after surgery, and after confiding this to my husband, he said that I didn't have to be positive all the time, as it was not a real reflection of every moment.  A weight was lifted off my shoulders!
I hope you come for the good and the bad, and take as well as give: it helps us all become better.
Thanks Marci, for the opportunity to let the many going in for surgery know this can be expected after.  Do you have Dr. apt. today?
Jules, still working on learning how to take a compliment!

[MAlegant]

Hi Jules,
Yes, on my way as we speak. Well, not exactly...Anyway, I will also be driving for the first time, but it's only a mile at 25 mph.  Figured it was a good way to start.
M

[Debbi]

Jules, Nicole, Marci, et al -

Isn't it great that we don't have to "pretend" here?  Yep, I too feel the pressure to always be "Up" and to find the positive in everything (I am, after all, a coach!), but sometimes it is pretty darned to find the pony under the pile of poop.  And, I think it is healthy to allow yourself to feel the emotions - grief, sadness, anger, fear, whatever.  As long as you also allow yourself to feel hope, joy, laugher and love. 

Debbi, finding the new normal...

[wendysig]

Hi all,
Debbi, as usual, you hit the nail on the head.  I'm sure we all feel the pressure to always be positive in our day to day lives and for the most part I do, but every now and then I feel the need to complain, vent or just voice fears I wouldn't voice to anyone else.  I get a little tired of people saying "it could be worse..."  I know how fortunate I've been, but I also know I was unfottunate enough to get this darned thing.  Having all of you in my life is wonderful compensation but otherwise, having an AN, or rather having had one just plain stinks -- sometimes I just have to say that.

Wendy

[MAlegant]

Hi all,
I did get to the therapist yesterday (and I drove there!).  She was incredibly helpful and gave me some good coping strategies so that I can stop the instant replay that is going on in my head.  She concurred with all of you:  this is normal, you have to allow time to process the whole thing, which, if you have complications takes longer.  She had the same experience after undergoing emergency heart surgery--you go on auto-pilot to get through what you need to get through and then after you have this "ah-hah" moment when you realize what you just did.  Did I mention that I drove there myself?  It's only a mile in a 25mph zone and I was shaky but I did it.
Marci (processing, visualizing and coping)

[NL]

Hi Marci,

I am definitely joining in a little late on this thread since it began while I was still in the hospital, but I am so glad to have seen by your last post that you're doing so much better.

I was amazed at how quickly you were able to make your decision with surgery and carry on with your life. I know your situation was different than mine in that you had a larger tumor, and I'm sure did not feel you had the luxury of time -  I was insprired by your diligence none-the-less. But it's great that you were also able to address and deal with your post-op feelings in such a postive way. The discussion you began has not only brought out something that people may not want to emphasize after surgery, especially in a public forum, but what a helpful topic for everyone! The outpouring of others' experiences and advice is just incredible.

I, personally, have always had an issue with major decision-making and commitments...which my struggle of the last year or so had brought to a head. Since I wanted to be sure I was making my treatment decision because it was the right one for me at the right time (and not just what everyone else wanted for me), I sought the advice of a wonderful therapist for about 6 weeks prior to surgery. It was very helpful, and the last thing I said to her was that I wanted to see her sometime after the surgery for an "emotional closure."

It is such a big ordeal that we have been through, and I think we all deserve whatever it is we need to help us feel completely healed.

Glad you're feeling bettter - I still think you are doing an amazing job.

Nancy L

[MAlegant]

Thanks Nancy L.  So glad to see you're up and posting. That can only mean good things for your recovery. 

How long have you been home?  How do you feel?
Marci

[Jim Scott]

Marci:

I was relieved to learn from your post that your therapist not only offered you some useful coping skills but also concurred with what many of us were stating.  Basically, you're pretty normal and whatever you're feeling isn't 'depression' in the strictest sense and doesn't come close to meeting the clinical definition.  I think you're going to be fine, Marci.  Kudos on the driving experience, too.  That is always a major milestone in recovery and again, just demonstrates your real progress.  Keep it up! 

Jim 

[NL]

Hey Marci,

I came home Sunday and have been feeling OK - just learning that my body needs to take it slow. (I was completely wiped-out yesterday.)

I have an outing today to go back for follow-up with my internist, and then Friday back to House to take out the stitches. I'll try to keep updates going on my update thread. It's a good goal for me and I know (from experience) that it may someday help someone else!

Thanks for asking,

Nancy L

[wendysig]

Hi Marci!

I just answered your PM and have now read about your visit to your therapist.  I am relieved for you that she confirmed that she doesn't feel this is truly depression but more an after effect of the surgery and everything you've gone through.  I hope whatever coping strategies she taught you help.    Just remember to be paitent with yourself.  Your physical recovry has been fantastic you need to give  your mind a chance to catch up.  Keep getting the rest you need and the pampering you deserve!  I hope you are soon feeling like your usual self.  Congratulations on driving again too.  I drove for the first time since my surgery today.  I didn't go far -- just a couple of miles to the supermarket and then abouta quarter of a mile to our community pool (taking the cooler, chairs, etc. walking with all that stuff was mission impossible).  It made me so happy to drive again.  It's good really being able to appreciate the little things in life!

Wendy -  Appreciating the little things in life again!

[MAlegant]

Yay Wendy!  You drove and that one little activity means so much for our independence.   It felt good to me too (but very shaky).  I am going to drive again tomorrow I think....

[Captain Deb]

Anyone who's depressed needs to take a trip over to the Good Morning thread in the AN community section and read it from the beginning. It is the cure for post-op depression for sure.  Many of us over there have suffered from depression, headaches, wonkyhead, etc. and have found that laughing our butts off is very helpful. All are welcome!

MAlegant, hope you get back on the road soon--but for now...walk, walk, walk!

Hugs,

Capt Deb

[Pooter]

Congrats on driving!  I know I was ecstatic when I could drive again.. and the first time I did it.. Father's Day...what a present it was too.  Now, I'm SLOWLY getting back to normal.  Kuddos for this little step that is HUGE.  That's great!

Brian

PS I concur with going over to Good Morning.  We have 'brelly drinks, raids, rides, games, and BEANS!

[JulieE]

Well, I'm glad to hear you both (Marci and Wendy) are back at the wheel.  Fly overs are another story though -Austin has some crazy high ones and I have found myself adhering to within 5 mph of the posted speed limit (and it was 5 mph below).  Hope you gain more and more confidence!
J

[MAlegant]

J,
What is a fly-over???
M