Dear Drained One,
I am the one in our family with the AN though mine is small and I am in Watch and Wait of which I am very thankful it has been caught so early. I do understand where you are coming from though. My husband was first injured in a motorcycle accident in 1985 at the young age of 26. A year and a half later he had his first back surgery. He has since had 4 other back surgeries, his latest June 6. He has had surgery in Greensboro NC, Duke Hospital, Durham, NC, Columbia, SC, Emory Atlanta Georgia and MUSC Charleston SC. He has been to two pain clinics, one in Miami Florida where he stayed for five weeks. He has also had shoulder surgery, double hernia surgery and neck surgery. After his 3rd surgery and after trying to work and literally crawling up the steps when he got home because he could not walk from the pain. He was told by his doctor he could NOT work any longer. He is in constant pain and is taking many medications..... All this to get to the similarities, he went through the same thing your husband is going through. He didn't feel like the man he should be, he could not provide for me and our three children, he was angry and contstantly taking it out on the ones closest, mainly me but also yelling at our children. I too entertained the thought of divorce. He would not listen to reason either and like your husband he was never wrong and was very degrading to me. Those years were so hard, trying to deal with a sick husband, raise three children and earn a living. One day I really got fed up and like Raydean I ask him to the bedroom away from the children and I let all my feelings out and had a heart to heart talk. I told him none of this was his fault, I loved him and had made a commitment to him for life, for better or worse. We were going through the worse but it would get better. I told him I could handle taking care of our children and earning the living but I could not do it alone. I needed him to be there for me and to help me make all the decisions and that together we could get through this. That happened fifteen years ago. He cried during this discussion where I did most of the talking. I think he too was trying to push me away he has told me many times during the years that I could find better than him. He did start to turn around after that day. It has not been easy and still isn't but we have made it and are best friends, sharing everything now. There is alot we have went through that I of course could not write. It could be a book after all these years. It has been hard on our marriage with him being injured when we were so young, but we have made it though together and have grown close through all these years. I really think the best thing for you would be to just sit him down and like Jim said, in a calm way, just talk to him like I did with my husband. Let him know you NEED him. If he was always the one to be right, this has got to be killing him inside and he most likely feels totally unneeded. Sometimes it helps to try to walk a mile in another's shoes, I can tell from your posts that you are trying to do that for him but he also needs to understand that he needs to do the same for you. I hope this all makes sense, I have written fast. I wanted to let you in on some of my personal life in hopes that what we have been through will help you in your situation. I will be in prayer for you and if you need to talk please feel free to PM me. God Bless and I will be rooting for you!!!
Glenda
