'Burnout' ~
You and your husband are in a tough situation and you have the empathy of many, including me. Unfortunately, I doubt that any of us have a simple, easy answer to this dilemma.
Your husband has plenty of AN-related burdens to bear, as do you, and his depression - and the angst it's causing you - is not difficult to understand. Change is hard for everyone, it gets harder as we age (I'm 67) and harder yet when it's life-altering physical issues that force the change and cut us off from what we thought were reasonable goals for our immediate future. As my fellow moderator, Steve, suggested, visiting this website/forums and venting can be cathartic for some. I urge you to try to steer your husband here for that purpose, if possible. His opinion that 'people' just want to hear 'happy talk' is correct. That subject has been discussed at length in this forum. My opinion is that everyone has their own, distinct set of cares and worries and really don't want to hear that much about other people's problems, especially one who is depressed and negative all the time. Many folks are also self-centered and care only about their problems and don't have much tolerance for hearing about other people's problems. That's just the harsh reality of human existence. Of course, there are exceptions but they are just that: exceptions.
One of the core issues in fighting depression - or helping a loved one to want to fight it - is to acknowledge the losses, the unfairness of it and the fact that some things are not going to be the way we wanted them to be, no matter what we do. This is not simply resignation but a realistic appraisal of the none-too-pleasant situation at hand, necessary before a strategy for recovering from the depression can be formulated. Once the reality has been assessed and faced squarely, not with unending anger and pointless pouting but with a cold, hard eye that says: this is the way it is - what am I going to do with it? - the journey back from depression has a chance to begin.
There are a host of stratagems available, many online, and I urge you to pursue them. Because your husband shuns professional counseling he won't be prescribed anti-depression medications unless his doctor sees him, recognizes his depression (a clinical diagnosis) and offers to write a prescription for anti-depression medications, which is unlikely as the patient often needs to be monitored and the medication/dose adjusted for the best results. That being the case -and dealing with the situation you have, not just wishing it were different - you may want to consider helping your husband to focus on something other than his losses and discomfort. Helping others is the best way to do that but you may want to consider starting by getting a dog - for yourself. A convenient size (not too tiny or too large) and a dog that is 'good with people'. The dog will help you by distracting from your husband's depressed state because it requires care and attention - and, as we know, dogs give back totally unconditional love. Of course, the hope is that, even though your husband might grumpily reject the dog initially and complain about him/her, he'll 'come around' in time as the dog, as is their nature, offers him that unconditional love and, frankly, a distraction from his woes.
Of course this is simply a suggestion. You may already own a dog and have not found that as a way to distract your husband. I'm not a psychiatrist or a councilor, just a retired AN patient attempting to offer some solace for your loss and a suggestion or two that I hope might help your husband out of his depression. In any case, welcome - and please visit the forum again. We're an understanding bunch and want to help you in whatever way we can, even if only as a place to vent' your completely understandable frustrations.
Jim
