Panic attacks

[mimoore]

I read the subject title and could totally relate. Read some of my earlier posts and you will see how I was affected.
I am much better now but still do take an anti-depressant.
My scalp on top of my head was very itchy (and still time to time is) when my nerve started to recover.
Hugs Michelle 

[Mei Mei]

Dear Friends,
I am just jumping in here.  I am identifying my new panic attacks as of two weeks now.  My surgery was Jan 12th.  I just retired on Disability on April 1st.   I am home living with my 96 year old father and reality is setting in.   He can't walk and is incontinent.  I have terrible Post Surgical headaches every night that I treat with Motrin and am waiting for them to get better.  I have an appointment with my Primary Care on Monday afternoon about the Panic Attacks and Headaches because the docs at the 6 week check up told me the headaches would go away in two weeks but of course they didn't and I knew they wouldn't so I know the neurosurgeon is done with me and my AN.  The ENT is basically concerned with fitting me with a BAHA which is not my concern.  I want to get rid of my headaches right now.  That is my primary concern and possibly the cause of my anxiety attacks because I have a headache every night.   I'm exhausted from them.   I'm depressed from them.   I am taking Cymbalta for Myofascial Pain and Topamax as well but that's not enough for the Post surguical headaches.  I didn't have headaches before the surgery.   It's so isolating to be in panic.  My daughter is now telling me I am being selfish because her friend's brother was hit by a car on Sunday is now on life support  and I have a lot to be thankful for...why am I panicing ...I don't know, but I am .  I can't control it.

Sincerely,
Mei Mei

[yardtick]

Mei Mei,

I'm so sorry your daughter is being very insensitive to you right now.  Yes it is tragic that her friend's brother was hit by a car and on life support.  That is a terrible ordeal for anyone to go through.  Four years ago my girl friends daughter's boyfriend was killed instantly in a car accident, he was 22.  Two years ago my 3rd son lost his friend to cancer two days before his 18th birthday and he held her hand as she passed.  At the moment my dearest friend in the world is terminal with lung cancer and she buried her sister in Jan 2001 of the same disease.   Everyone deals with life altering tragedies.

I believe her anger is misplaced.  She sees her grandfather who is elder and you are his caregiver and the facts are he will not be around forever.  I feel your daughter is afraid and just doesn't know how to express it properly.  The perils of youth.  Think about it you have just survived brain surgery, now you are living with headaches, myofascial pain and you are exhausted.  I feel your pain because I too am walking the same road, but I am not caring for my elderly father.  I am on Effexor, Topamax and Ativan for when I have panic attacks and to help me sleep.  

Our children can really hurt us deeply.  I guess that's one of the sorrows of being a Mother.  I believe she didn't mean it.  On the other hand, living with chronic pain day in and day out wears a persons tolerance level very thin.  At times I have no tolerance for bad behavior.  When the situation has calmed down I think you should let your daughter know you didn't appreciate the manner in which she spoke to you.  Also discuss all of this with your Dr.  Panic attacks and children's hissy fits are brutal, he can give you something like Ativan to help you cope.  

A little note here, a family member went on life support Jan 23 2010.  He is now in rehab, going home on weekends.  He will be home for good at the end of the month,  He wasn't expected to live, they wanted my cousin to pull the plug because he had a heart transplant 16 years ago.  She refused!!  He made it. Thank You God!!  So tell your daughter to pray and to think positive because miracles do happen.

Take care of yourself,
Anne Marie  

[Mei Mei]

Thank you, Anne Marie!   for all your kind thoughts and suggestions.   I really needed them.   I have two daughters, but they really don't understand what I am coping with here in Maryland.   They live hours away.    I'll see the doctor on Monday so I'm glad I made the call to see him.  Right now I'm taking Kava Kava and Valerian from Whole Foods.   That seems to take the edge off.   We are going for a walk with the wheel chair and the dog down the street to Barnes and Noble for the morning.   It's a nice day and a cool morning.

I don't know what the doctor will suggest:  Ativan or  Xanax.    Right now I am shaky and l choked up a lot.   I'll tell him that.   Do the others get like that?

I still have the numb skull and post surgical head aches and I know Jim said that the numb skull should take a year to go away so I have to be patient.  It's the headaches that are getting me down together with the care of my father.

Well thanks all for listening and thank you so much for your wonderful reply!!!!

Sincerely,
Mei Mei

[badbadbrain67]

To all who responded to my post,
Things are looking up. I now only take Xanax when needed (like today for an outing to SeaWorld or the movies).
I still don't feel great. My balance is not the best and I still feel a strange disconnect with the world around me which is the main reason for my panic attacks.
Either I'm getting better or I'm just getting used to it. I like to think I'm getting better.
The shunt and the valve left a a crater and a large bump on my head respectively. I have a shaved head(I'm afraid i cannot grow enough hair to cover it up)
and so these are very prominent.  The rather large scar from my surgery still gives me problems but not enough to drive me crazy.
I still have partial facial paralysis and problems eating (food falling out of my mouth) and sometimes with speech, especially when I'm tired.
My left vocal chord is still weak from the surgery so I have problems with my voice as well. My tumor was about 5 cm (I think they consider that a giant tumor),
so it caused a lot of problems both pre and post surgery.
My whole point is that in January ( 4 weeks after surgery), I was convinced that I was not mentally capable of dealing with any of this.
I felt the world caving in on me. Recovery from any major trauma can be a very isolating and lonely experience but it does get better (I'm talking to you Mei Mei).
I was in your shoes once and although people on this forum assured me that I would get better, I always thought, "what if I don't?"
Well, guess what? I did and so will you.
As for the situation with your daughter, no matter what horrible things happen to others around you, it doesn't change what happened to YOU.
You didn't ask for this (none of us did). Concentrate on getting yourself better. I can't say it any better than Anne Marie did. Thank you Ann Marie!!
And Mei Mei, if you ever feel down about your progress do what I do. Concentrate on how far you've come, not how far you've got to go.
My doctor told me it could be a year before I am well again so having this attitude has really helped me. Best of luck to you.

sgerrard, you were right. Spring came around and things did start to look better. I had my doubts there for a while but now I am enjoying the beautiful
San Diego weather. I had my surgery in the winter and started feeling better by spring so my brain seemed to be following the seasons.
If that is the case, I can't wait for summer.

Again, thanks to everyone for their kind words and advice.

Victor

[Mei Mei]

You're an Angel, Victor,   My goodness  you've been through so so much.   I, too have had vocal cord paralysis from a laminectomy and had to fly one year later from Maryland where I live out to Irvine, CA near you to get an anastomosis of the RLN that moves the vocal cords to the ansa hypoglossi (the tongue)  borrowing electrical impulses so that the vocal cord would move again.   It took 5 years for this to work and it is partially closing so that I can go on brisk walks up hills.   The doc's name is Roger Crumley.   When I talked with Dr. Friedman at House and described my anastomsis he immediately mentioned Dr. Crumley's name.  He's well known for vocal cord paralysis.   I did this surgery in the summer and stayed in the dorms for a 10 day recovery.   The hospitalization was overnight.    You can PM me about this if you like.

Your words to me this morning are inspiring as were Anne Marie's.   I will open up this forum and read and re- read this post whenever I get anxious.   I go to the doctor tomorrow to address the headaches and the anxiety for the first time.    I have some visitors today which isn't very often and am looking forward to that.     Things are looking up because I am addressing them and talking to this forum which I love.   Thank God I found this forum.   Have a great day at Sea World!!!!

[ddaybrat]

Thank you everyone.  I just found this site.  You don't know how much of a life-saver you are for me.  I'm almost 4 weeks out from surgery and the anxiety and depression are setting in.  The facial paralysis has taken away my smile...the first thing people notice about me....and now it's gone.  I fight seeing as my eyes don't want to work together anymore.  The terrible tinnitis can be totally consuming at times.  I'm isolated from my family as I moved from NE to IN the first of the year to start a new job.  I was laid off the week before my AN was diagnosed.  It's been a blessing of sorts as I'm now on disability and will remain so until I'm able to look for a new job.  I have a few good friends that are very supportive which helps a lot.  I see my surgeon in a few days and will discuss the anxiety with him.

Thank you again...God bless....Pat

[opp2]

Hang in there Pat, and welcome to the forum. There isn't anything that you can't say to anyone on here. At least I figure you can, but you can't curse and you can't hijack a thread.

4 weeks out from surgery is really soon and you have so much healing to do. I hope soon there will be others who have had their surgery along to help you out. I have not had surgery, however I do have some training in my background, and my Mom is  a nurse so it helps me be prepared for what is ahead.

Cyber strength to you! Cyber hugs too!

[CHD63]

Pat .....

You have been through a bucketload of trauma in the past month.  Please know that it will get better as you progress through the process of recovery.  So glad you found this forum.  You will find many caring, supportive friends here who can fully understand what you are enduring.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  Tell us a little more about your situation when you feel up to it.  How large was your AN?

Many thoughts and prayers for additional quick healing.

Clarice

[ddaybrat]

I've added the info regarding my AN to my signature. 

The last month is only the latest chapter in my life.  I believe the good Lord has confused me with Job during the last year.  I lost my job of 17 years last April and was unable to find work until I moved to Indiana in January of this year.  I spent most of last year struggling with severe depression on top of all the financial issues I was facing.  Three years ago, I designed and built my own home and have since lost it to foreclosure.  My retirement is also gone. 

One does what she has to survive.  As I said in my earlier post, my AN was sort of a mixed blessing.  I was laid off from my new job a week before it was diagnosed.  Because I was technically still employed, surgery for my AN allowed me to qualify for short-term disability and, if necessary, long-term disability.  Instead of collecting unemployment, I will continue to draw my salary until the doctor determines that I’m healthy enough to go back to work or, in my case, look for work.  The Lord takes care of me in strange ways sometimes.  I’m not sure one can call having an AN a blessing, but I am blessed to be able to have the time to heal without financial hardship.

The reality of the situation is that I, like most of you, must deal with all of the problems associated with AN surgery.  I researched the tumor, surgery, and its aftermath prior to surgery, but knowing what recovery is going to be like and living it are very different.  I knew my face would be paralyzed and that my hearing would be compromised.  I also knew my balance would be affected.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the reality of facial paralysis.  My smile is who I am.  It’s very difficult to look in the mirror and not see it.  I’ve always been able to smile in the face of adversity and now I can’t.

[sgerrard]

I believe the good Lord has confused me with Job during the last year.

Smile or no smile, you still have a good sense of humor.

Steve

[moe]

  My smile is who I am.  It’s very difficult to look in the mirror and not see it.  I’ve always been able to smile in the face of adversity and now I can’t.

Those sound like my words exactly after my surgery when I woke up with facial paralysis. Okay so this is a high jack going from panic attacks to losing the ability to smile, but we can find some similarity somewhere!

I kind of  mourned the loss of my smile, as one mourns losing a breast to cancer. It defined me.

Pat- I have never given up on my wish for a "smile"  or even some symmetry.
after almost  4 years post AN surgery, I will receive my "miracle surgery".-it is a long boring story but shows how perseverance and prayer have payed off.

so  my advice is : Never give up and keep praying and hoping. Hope is what kept me going. I'll PM you.
  

I'm so sorry about all your losses- too much for one to handle. I can't imagine losing it all- job, house,retirement-I just about cried reading what you've been through.

  It will get better,
Maureen

[Kaybo]

Pat~
SO glad you found this Forum and the people here - WELCOME, but...sorry you had to find us.  I am so sorry for all you have endured, but a good attitude goes a LONG way and your ability to see the blessing in a bad situation is a great start (you loss of job but still being paid?).  I definitely believe that the Lord can work in everything if you look for it - He doesn't CAUSE bad things to happen, but like Job, sometimes allows them for His purpose.  I know that is VERY hard and I am not here to preach...just to reaffirm what you have already said.  If I didn't believe that, I don't think I would be where I am today.  You see, I have been completely paralyzed on the right side of my face since I was 25 (I just turned 40!) - has it been all sunshine & roses?  Of course not but I am choosing to try to make the most of it.  I had the T3 done 2 years ago at Johns-Hopkins to try to give me some of my smile back and even the Dr. pointed out to his resident that I had (had) the "greatest" type of smile where I used ALL of the facial receptors to smile (apparently most people don't do this) - needless to say, I had a HUGE smile/laugh and used it ALL the time - still do!  I would hope that anyone who has met me would tell you the same.  You are still not very far out at all and a LOT of healing is still going to take place!  Was your facial nerve cut or could it still return?  Even if it was cut, there are many -& more & more all the time - things that can be done!!

I would LOVE to chat - if you would like for me to call you, please PM me your number & a good time to call!

K 

[ddaybrat]

Didn't mean to hijack this thread...the loss of my smile is a major factor in what triggers my depression and my panic attacks.

thanks to all...Pat

[saralynn143]

Pat, have you had the time to look through some of the posts in the facial issues area? There's lots of info there about stages of recovery, surgical options, dealing with paralysis, etc.

Sara