Author Topic: Unsupportive Spouse?  (Read 13785 times)


  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3235
  • Life is good again!!
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2009, 01:14:35 pm »
Lyn .....

Although I do have a supportive spouse, I just wanted to add that we are all here to help walk you through the coming months!  Also, some spouses (male or female) just never grow up emotionally and when their mate goes through a rough patch in life, they cannot handle it.  Many of these types of individuals were always the focus of everyone's attention, some starting with parents ..... and when attention is diverted away from them, they become very insecure and act out in all kinds of ways.  Basic human nature should kick in here and common decency should make him compassionate as to what you are going through .....

Even though I personally believe in my marriage vows, there are many cases in which couples should not feel guilt about splitting when it becomes a toxic situation that is unresolvable.  If this is the case for you, do what is going to be healthy for you and your children in the long-term.  That being said, being in the throes of the AN crisis is probably not the ideal time to make a permanent decision for the long-term.  Lean on the support of your mother and friends (and us!!) to get you through this crisis before tackling another potential one.

Thoughts and prayers.

Right MVD for trigeminal neuralgia, 1994, Pittsburgh, PA
Left retrosigmoid 2.6 cm AN removal, February, 2008, Duke U
Tumor regrew to 1.3 cm in February, 2011
Translab AN removal, May, 2011 at HEI, Friedman & Schwartz
Oticon Ponto Pro abutment implant at same time; processor added August, 2011


  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 258
  • I'm a Postie Now!!!
    • My AN Blog:
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2009, 04:04:31 pm »
I really appreciate all of the comments, particularly all of the support.  It feels great to have a place to talk.   I think I was just really down yesterday.

I understand that different people will have different beliefs about divorce and whether people with children should divorce.  I am not a big fan of divorce.  However, I am only 1/2 of the marriage, so what I decide to do really only counts that much.  I can't make him participate if he is unwilling to be a husband and father.  There are other issues that I really would rather not get into. 

Again, thanks to all of you.  I really appreciate all of your points of view.  I think I am very lucky to have such a wonderful mother, and hopefully my husband will step-up while I am in the hospital and help her with the kids.  Either way, I will make it past this and I will come out stronger on the other side.

9mm X 7mm tumor (left side), diagnosed 10-15-09
Retrosigmoid on 12-14-09 by Drs. Antonelli and Lewis (my heroes!)
Shands in Gainesville, FL
SSD, but no facial issues.  Mild tinnitus.

Jim Scott

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7241
  • To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2009, 04:29:13 pm »
Lyn ~

Although I've been very happily married to the lovely and gracious Tina for almost 40 years, I'm sure that if I looked hard enough I could find a few pieces of 'dirty laundry' in my marriage hamper - so don't be concerned about sharing this, here.  Still, I'm sorry to learn of your less-than-ideal marital situation as you deal with your AN.  I suspect that this will likely drive you to discover strengths you weren't aware you possessed.  That happens a lot. 

I won't try to add to the sound counsel you've received in previous posts except to amplify the fact that the lack of spousal emotional support can be a problem but your mom, friends and even co-workers can go a long way toward making up for it.  I concur with the advice that you accept whatever your husband can give you in terms of physical help (with the children) and so on.  Meanwhile, know that you have your mom and, most of all, two children that love you and want the best for you as you travel on this 'journey'.  Oh, and don't forget: you have all of us, too.  :)

4.5 cm AN diagnosed 5/06.  Retrosigmoid surgery 6/06.  Follow-up FSR completed 10/06.  Tumor shrinkage & necrosis noted on last MRI.  Life is good. 

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is.  The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.


  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 665
  • Blessings abound!
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2009, 06:40:20 pm »
My prayers are with you as you face upcoming surgery.  You have a lot on your plate going into this, and my heart goes out to you as you try to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together.  You have gotten some wise and wonderful advice already.  Gather close all the love and support you know you can count on, and be pleasantly surprised at anything else that comes along in the way of help. ;)  Don't be shy about asking friends.  Most people are thrilled to be needed, as long as you give them something concrete to do...laundry, grocery shopping, a casserole or two, etc.  Take care of yourself and keep us posted on how it's going.  We care about our fellow travelers on this unexpected journey!

Diagnosed  left AN 8/07/08, 1.9 CM
Surgery 12/10/08 at Methodist Hospital w/Vrabec and Trask for what turned out to be a cpa meningioma.


  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 569
  • Make your good days more than make up for the bad.
    • Cape Cod Bay Challenge
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2009, 08:40:30 pm »
Hello Lyn,

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to your post. My experience has been so much different than yours. I was fortunate to meet my soulmate at 17 and love her more today than ever....34 years later...I was very lucky. The only thing I can say is that it sounds like you are a strong woman and WILL come out of this even stronger. I watched my sister stay in a toxic relationship and it hurt not only her but her children as well. My daughter is fortunately divorcing her husband before things get worse. As for the man you married....I don't care if you are going through a divorce. At one point he was interested enough to marry and have children with you....and now he's unsupportive when you are facing such a tough time? No decent human being would act that're better off without him.

From the sound of your determination your kids have a wonderfully strong Mom to set a great example for them. You'll do fine on the other side of this.

Best wishes....
Bob - Official Member of the Postie/Toasty Club
6mm AN treated with Proton Beam Radiosurgery in March 2004
at Mass General Hospital, Dr's Loeffler and Chapman
Cut the little bugger out the second time around in 2009..translab at MGH with Dr's McKenna and Barker.


  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10826
  • I am a success story!
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2009, 08:48:07 pm »
Very well said, Bob.

Retrosig 5/31/07 Drs. Battista & Kazan (Hinsdale, Illinois)
Left AN 3.0 cm (1.5 cm @ diagnosis 6 wks prior) SSD. BAHA implant 3/4/08 (Dr. Battista) Divino 6/4/08  BP100 4/2010 BAHA 5 8/2015

I don't actually "make" trouble..just kind of attract it, fine tune it, and apply it in new and exciting ways


  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4232
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2009, 09:03:44 pm »
A hearty "Amen" to what you said & the way you said it!!  I always feel a little guilty and a LOT thankful for the way that Dave has spoiled me throughout my surgery and over the years since...

K   ;D
Translab 12/95@Houston Methodist(Baylor College of Medicine)for "HUGE" tumor-no size specified
25 yrs then-14 hour surgery-stroke
12/7 Graft 1/97
Gold Weight x 5
Facial Paralysis-R(no movement or feelings in face,mouth,eye)
Great life!

Rc Moser

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 179
Re: Unsupportive Spouse?
« Reply #22 on: December 22, 2009, 09:59:35 pm »
these are so sad to read, I can't imagine going through some of this and staying with someone I didn't love. When I finely found out I had the tumor. It actually made us closer, I guess from all sudden not knowing the near future? We had everything planned good or bad, and I mean really bad!

I guess I got lucky and my wife also. We of course have our little moments, but don't  turn to hatered for each other.  If it wasn't for my wife I probably would of not had surgery and be gone by now. She was wonderful. Stayed in the hospital the first three days monitoring my condition and the service (health care) I was getting slept right beside me in a reclining chair. After I got out of the hospital I was in heavenly care. took care of all the insurance, logged it and followed up on any problems while I was recovering

I guess it was appreciation for 41 years of working everyday earning a paycheck and making sure the bills was able to be paid, coming home after work everyday, making sure my son had everything he needed, and being responsible enough to put family first before my petty needs or wants.
In about 3 more years I will retire for good the second time with little luck. I will of worked 51 years and we can't wait!
9/17/03, 4.5CM, Translab, OU Medical Center, Dr. (the ear man) Saunders and Dr. B. (the BrainMAN) Wilson  along with about 4 other Doctors that keep me going for 18 hours.