I am thinking that life will be unstable enough as Mom goes in for surgery for AN treatment. I am not sure what the ages of your children are but for my kids this was a hard time. Even with a caring community and neighbors, around us, who were there for them ... when I cold not
If the children also hear about Mom having brain surgery and
that their parents are going to divorce, during this already difficult timeâ€¦ you should be very
aware of the children and their emotional needsâ€¦ in addition to yours.
Here is a PDF from a reputable university known for studies in child developmenthttp://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs482.pdf
After my 1st surgery (not acoustic neuroma stuff), that required about 2 months recovery, I thought our family was not going to make itâ€¦ I would call home, from my hospital bed and it seemed the household was in total disarray. (We have no extended family, geographically close by, and no one to call on at that timeâ€¦ my husband had to hold-down-the-fort solo.) I asked for early hospital discharge as I needed to get back to meet the needs of the childrenâ€¦ especially when one was in tears after being bullied at after-school-care. It was a very frustrating time and I became much more assertive about my misgivings and less succumbing to "martyrdom"
. (Gee maybe it was steroids
at surgery they gave me.
) Little did I know this was a â€œdress rehearsalâ€ run through for a bigger
event yet to comeâ€¦
However with the major life changing Acoustic Neuroma surgery (ie surgery #2) â€¦ I was as not back to â€œSuper Momâ€ in 2 months â€¦ and the recovery was much slower
than surgery #1.
I was impressed with how this time (surgery #2) my husband stepped up-to-the plate. Now I reflect back on the last 2 years where he stepped into: coaching our kidsâ€™ teams, doing my carpool driving plus his, attending parent conferences, homework help, cooking (ok ok
he is NO chef yet
)â€¦ and orchestrating the kids to clean the houseâ€¦ with him role modeling â€œnot do as I do not say but do as I DO
â€ :)â€¦ He performed VERY well. He even made 2-dozen chocolate cupcakes and took them to my youngest class on her birthday. (That totally blew me out of the water
) â€¦And our family is the stronger for it.
Know that we did not have the best role models on how to make a marriage work being that we both grew up, in our teen years, with single parent families. However we both know what it is like to grow up in a family that is splitâ€¦ Difficult dynamics resurfaced at university graduations when parents attend (or chose not to because the other would be there)â€¦ and the difficulties of planning ours or siblings' weddings when our parent had bitter endings, and feelings, towards marriage â€¦ I wonâ€™t even start on all the complicated dynamics that we experienced when having a dementia aging parent placed in a nursing homeâ€¦ Tomorrow - is actually her funeral (trying to deal with getting that organized, in a mixed marriage family, was another interesting adventure- as there are also interesting step-family dynamics to consider.)
Think this out very
carefully before you act and know that the implications have LONG-term impact that you may not currently
Here is a popular book amongst my generation of adults- from divorced familieshttp://www.amazon.com/Healing-Adult-Children-Divorce-Unfinished/dp/0892837276
In my 30â€™s I was about to totally give up on my marriage.
(â€œWhy not that is what my parent role modeled for me?â€
I had to go back to work full-time when baby #1 was just 6 months. When she was age 1- I was working 3 jobs (1 full time â€“ 2 part time) to cover expenses â€¦ in a place that had no career prospects for my husband and he was not motivated to go after jobs he was over-qualified for. I was pumping breast milk at work, during lunch in a private room, so he could feed it to our baby while he was home with her- during the day. Bewildered I was almost close to asking for autonomy to raise our child aloneâ€¦ but did not want her in daycare so young...
I went in and had a heart-to-heart with my â€œbossâ€ and I asked for a 2 year sabbatical from my teaching positionâ€¦ so we could head to the USA where there were more high tech jobs for my husbandâ€¦. And give a "new beginning" a try. (If it did not work out, after 2 years,- I had my full time job back â€¦ and tenure)â€¦ My husband found a job (actually more than one) in the USA that was right up his alley and interest. Then he got on an airplane for the booming high tech Forest of Oregonâ€¦ I was left behind, in Canada, to sell up the house, move everything, sell the car and get the paper work for me and our child to reside in the USA. (Gee maybe that stress was the birth of my acoustic neuroma- teaseâ€¦
2 years later my husband was secure in his new corporation and turned over a new leaf as he was in a job where his skills were recognized and he had a renewed sense of self worthâ€¦. Things looked good and we were blessed with baby #2 (this time I got to stay home
and nurse our baby from the comfort of my couch -while also being there for our then
4 1/2 year old too)â€¦ while HE went to work. After the 2 years in the USA I tendered my resignation, up in Canada, and never went back to our old town â€¦or my â€œtenureâ€ (that
was very hard for me to let go of.
There were many ups and downsâ€¦ and some days I felt I was being treated like a hypochondriac (also by my USA doctor and new â€œfriendsâ€) when I complained of fatigue, vertigo, ringing ears, etcâ€¦ I missed my old doctor and my old friends and colleagues up in Canada.
Life went onâ€¦ later Baby #2 turned age 9... I was ready to start researching graduate schools now that the kids didnâ€™t need me at home, as much, and I was so itching to do something for â€œmeâ€ â€¦ But I am so darn tired all the timeâ€¦
Then I switched to a different doctor who does routine hearing tests as part of the wellness visitsâ€¦ and went for a check up to find out â€œwhy?â€
There we both were sitting there, husband and wife, in an ENT office looking at this MRI with the XXL 4cm tuma up on the screen pushing the brain stem over and read about AN tuma symptoms,
â€œHMMM that explains a few things now doesn't it?
â€ My husband said.
The kids started off school, in Oregon, with both parents out-of-state and lived with another family while we went away for surgery at Stanford. I had a myriad of complications. â€¦ Having us in California longer than planned. When we finally
got home to all be together again as a family -my husband had to wear two hats and apronsâ€¦ his and mineâ€¦
In the 1st year after my AN tumor removal my entire family had a new respect for me and what all I did to build a familyâ€¦ By year #2, after surgery, I had a new respect for all THEY had done â€¦to build a family. We are a stronger family as result of this AN tuma journey thing
There has been tremendous personal growth in ALL of us. I have not yet got myself to graduate schoolâ€¦ but intend to get there once I know my family is all stable, secure and I know the kids are on to their road of independence. (I am also waiting to see if a Baha might actually help me go back to hearing students and working in a group teaching setting again vs. the quiet library setting. So the "which" graduate degree I am not sure onâ€¦ yet
Know that at age 30 I almost gave up on marriage (perhaps on odd occasions in early 40's too) â€¦ and as I am now age 46+ I am glad I did not.
I think divorce is a much more life changing event than an acoustic neuroma surgery... It is not just yours and your husband's lives affected here. "Will the children be better off without both parents together?"
is something that you will both have to weight out- very carefully.
Food for thoughtâ€¦ and a different perspective here.
HUGS being sent your way.
Daisy Head Mazy