I know I need help...

[petgroomer]

I am about to spin my life around 360 degrees and I need help.  I have read some of the topics on depression here in the forum.  I am MUCH in need of something.  Over the last 8 months, I have gone from a girl with not a care in the world, to one who can't sleep and gets upset over the slightest thing.  I have thoughts of packing and leaving on a bi-monthly basis.  I have no idea where I will be going or how I will live.  It is so unrealistic, but at the time I am thinking the thoughts, they are very real.
Either it is the change of life, or this new 6 cm x 4 cm additional pressure in my neck.  All I know is I am going to ruin everything at the turn of a key and a tank of gas.
Two weeks ago, my doctor prescribed me sleeping pills that I take nightly to help me sleep ( i have never had these in my life!), and also clonazepam for when I get irrational (again, somthing new to my system).  I took one today for the first time.  Actually left my job half way through to get home to take one, as my mind had me packing and leaving my entire existence.
Has anyone else had these feelings?  Just deep sadness.  Feeling situtations are so unfair. Wanting to run away.  (hell, I'm 43, I thought that happened at age 11 !) 
I love my boyfriend more than anything.  But I am so fast at throwing that away when my mind gets going.  This only happens 2-3 times a month,, but that is wayyy toooo much.
I know I need help.  If not, my city and life will be my past. 
I am looking to find out that I am not the only one that has felt this.  If I am, then I DO really need help in all aspects.  I just wish I could pinpoint it to what's going on in my head, that way I kind of know I'm not going nuts.

[saralynn143]

First question: does the clonazepam help? It is primarily a anticonvulsant and muscle relaxant. I used to take it for hemifacial spasm, and it had some significant side effects. There are two things I would like you to consider: first, call your doctor and ask for a medication specifically for depression and anxiety. Although 43 is young for change of life, ask your doctor if hormone treatment might help as well.

Second, talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that you are having these irrational thoughts so that if you do act on them, he will not be blindsided. Maybe come to an agreement about what you can do if the feelings get too strong.

I'm glad that you have reached out for help, and realize that your feelings are irrational. Keep reaching out. There IS help available. Running away may be tempting, but it won't make your AN go away and it will cause many other problems.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Sara

[CHD63]

Rhonda .....

First of all, you really need to share this burden with someone locally ..... your boyfriend, a trusted friend, a spiritual adviser, or family doctor ..... someone readily available when you have these overwhelming feelings.

..... and yes, depression can be a very real part of the brain tumor journey ..... you are not alone with these feelings.  That being said, when you are feeling so "at the bottom," it is difficult to be logical in what you need to do.  This is where the trusted friend comes in to help you bring some sense into everything.

It also sounds like you could possibly be having an adverse reaction to medication ..... please call your doctor and tell him/her what is happening.

My thoughts and prayers.

Clarice

[lawmama]

I agree.  Talk with someone!!!  If you have good insurance, find out what kinds of therapy (if any) will be covered and go talk this out.  Unfortunately, you can't run away from health problems, although I can completely understand why you would want to.  There are days I think I would like to run away, too.  My life seems complicated and full of so much pressure.  When I was first diagnosed, I went back on Zoloft for a few weeks (and I haven't needed it in years).  I have issues with anxiety, and it really helped me calm down and think through things.  I'm not saying that is right for you (or that you even need something chemical), just that there is no shame in getting help in whatever form you do need.

I hope this made sense.  I am very dizzy today and it is hard to concentrate.  Please write to me if you need someone to talk to.  I just don't want you to make any snap decisions.

Lyn

[petgroomer]

Man, to deal with mental issues as well as physical ones... total overload.  However, it is soooo welcoming to come home from work and find these responses.  Thank you!
By the time I got back to my job after I took the pill, I was actually calmed down.  I cancelled the rest of my day.  My friend from 3 1/2 hours away is driving up today to visit me (bringing a bottle of Bailey's.. lol).  My boyfriend emailed me from work telling me we will both call in sick tomorrow and have a quiet relaxing day off.
I have a great friend and spouse also as I can see
It's not an answer, but it's a crutch until I can get focused on the things that seem to upset me.  The things that otherwise are no problem in my life but at times become a volcano.
After all this is over and I am able to get better coping skills..., I want to be the one there for someone else who feels cornered... tell them I've been there,, and reassure them that things will get better.
xo

[Jim Scott]

Rhonda ~

I was uncharacteristically dismayed to learn of your struggle with anxiety and having to fight a strong urge to 'run away'.  Yet it's encouraging to see that you clearly recognize your problem and want very much to resolve it before these emotions overwhelm you to the point of acting irrationally.  That is definitely a very good indicator that you're in control of your emotions, for the most part.  The advice you've received in previous posts is excellent i.e. talk to someone, check with your doctor about medications/side effects.  I'm not a doctor and have only limited experience with depression but I know it can have many causes and take myriad forms, including the urge to run away - which you logically know is futile but still have to fight to keep the urge at bay.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with this as well as the AN but your manifestation of depression-type symptoms is not unknown in AN patients.  However, I believe it can be controlled with medication and talk therapy.  I understand that chocolate helps, too.  You might want to check that out. 

Jim

[Vivian B.]

Hi Rhonda,

I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. The good thing is that you can talk about it. That's the first step. Anxiety can be a very overwhelming thing. After I was diagnosed I felt like I was on a rollercoaster without being able to come off. The feeling was terrible, like you are falling and there is no one to catch you. I went on for months like that until I decided to talk to my doctor about it. I realized that this is a long journey and I could not let myself live like that every day. It was too painful . I am now on cipralex and it does help. I also take ativan to sleep. I was a little apprehensive at first as I was afraid to be dependant on them but I am so glad I started taking them. There is nothing wrong with taking something if it helps but make sure you are being monitored by your doctor regularly. You also need to do your part and talk to yourself when you are feeling anxious or depressed and constantly say "you can do this and you will get bettter". Talking to the people around you about what is happening to you is essential. Sometimes it will be difficult for people to understand and that's o.k. as they also need time to digest what is happening to their love one. You also have your AN family that definitely understands!

Vivian 

[Kaybo]

Rhoda~
You've gotten some great responses...this IS overwhelming.  PLEASE don't mix the Bailey's with the pills, though!   

K

[Cheryl R]

You are not going crazy but this whole new health issue is throwing off  your brain chemicals and turning life upside down.     I have a good friend who takes the clonazepam as she is considered to have panic attacks and that possibly is what you may be going thru.      I have trouble with some anxiety issues and know it can really make one feel not right.     Keep taking the meds and seeing the dr if you feel they are not helping right as sometimes there may have to be med changes.       Talk to whoever you need to to help,boyfriend, friend,dr or therapsit.       You are going thru a lot now and I wish I had better answers for you.   
 We will help what we can too!                         Cheryl R

[Doc]

For what it's worth, I'm still wondering when I'll find myself in a pile in some corner of the house, crying my eyes out like a little boy...this whole AN deal sucks and it can really pull at you, from all directions.  They just call me Doc, but hey, if you're having conscious thoughts about doing something that will have a long lasting negative impact on your life, it probably means you need to share your thoughts with someone that can help you deal with them.  I've given the whole running away thing some thought myself...it seems like the easy way out, but then it dawned on me that the portion of my Tumor left behind during my surgery and is still on my Brain Stem will only follow me, where ever I go.  Our kind of reality Rhonda, is best dealt with face to face, not looking at it through the rear view mirror.

Take care and I sure hope you start feeling better about things.
  
Doc

[kate]

Hi Rhonda,
This whole AN journey can be emotionally overwhelming and frightening. Depression and anxiety can be quite common. Unfortunately, I don't think doctors make a practice of referring patients to talk therapy. I just want to add my voice to those here who suggested getting some talk therapy. AN is one of those times in life where the emotionanal burden can be extreme, and it can be very helpful to have a supportive therapist to help you through it.

[yardtick]

Rhonda,

You have received some very good responses.  I too suffer from anxiety and depression, so I do feel your pain.  Vent, talk, cry, take a bubble bath, some good soothing music and a hug from that someone special helps.

Take care,
Anne Marie

[Vincent87]

Hey Rhonda:

I just read your posting and all I can offer is this (from my mom's experience). 

When Mom was being tapered off the Decadron after her GK (she was on an obscenely huge dosage and went psychotic), I asked for a psych consult. 

He asked Mom those 10 Questions (i.e. Depression).  She said yes to all (as did I and my family-we asked if he could write out a family script).  Mom's on Zoloft and Xanax. 

But at one point she was given Klonopin by her PCP at Nursing Home #1 (once you get into that Nursing Home System EVERYONE has an opinion)...and wow that was a really scary 12 hours.  It's strong stuff (and she was on the lowest dosage; she only took one pill and then I insisted that it be DC'd)...and all these meds can have, for lack of a better word, a rebound effect.  (Oh, and before I forget-Zyprexa was nasty for Mom too.  Mom, since her GK, has become the Rare Side Effect.  I remember getting dressed one morning to go to the nursing home and on TV was some local lawyer was advertising about how Zyprexa was being pulled from the market because, if I remember correctly, it was an anti-psychotic drug mostly for schizophrenics that was making patients psychotic.  I had that med DC'd too.) 

You might need to test drive a new med.  Sleeping pills (it has been Mom's experience...and also mine) are an oxymoron and you might do better with Advil PM.  There have also been studies i.e. Vitamin D.  Get a blood test-your thyroid might be off.  There's also something to be said about Sunlight Therapy.  Mom was a big swimmer during the Wait and Watch, before all The Madness.  And Mom also loved to bake.  Yes, I think it's a safe bet that if a survey was done on this forum that everyone (and their caretakers) have wanted to get in a car and keep driving, have had many moments of the Silent Scream, where you didn't think it possible to have that MANY tears, and yes, that it would all be easier to just fall asleep and not wake up.

If you're still on the Klonopin, speak to your MD/pharmacist; it could be contributing to your anxiety.  You might have to taper off before trying another med.  Same thing too with the sleeping pills. 

It has been my experience (with Mom) that Drugs.com is a great website and also the Physician's Desk Reference; you have to be your own doctor and if not you then maybe your boyfriend.

You're not going nuts.  You're just depressed and overwhelmed.

[sgerrard]

I have gone from a girl with not a care in the world...

Yes you have, because now you have a rather serious care in the world. It is pretty clear to me that a 6 x 4 vagus schwannoma does not fit your personality or lifestyle. I think you would have to be nuts not to get bummed out by that kind of diagnosis.

Maybe you should grab your boyfriend and your dog and get in a pickup truck and take a tour of the country. You could write a country song about it.

I hope you can get counseling on how to deal with a serious diagnosis, and that some of the suggestions for medical help with sleep and depression will prove useful. I know you didn't sign up for this thing, but you have it. There will turn out to be some good way to go forward with your life, making some changes and adding some new things and setting aside some old familiar things. I wish you the best on your journey.

Steve

[NancyMc]

Rhonda,
I wish you a day surrounded by love.
When I became overwhelmed, I took the rest of my life off from my career.  It was the only way I could enjoy the time I have left.
I feel for you.  Be strong.  Listen to your heart.  Keep talking to us.  I hope it helps in some way.
Nancy