Hi, Mary:
Again, my condolences on the recent loss of your friend, Linda, to cancer.
I've always considered myself somewhat of a 'rugged individualist'. My attitude in most situations is that I do what I think is right. I realize that I can't control or be responsible for what other people do...or don't do, as in the case of the no-shows for your friend Linda's bereft husband's support dinner. That was unfortunate and clearly disheartening,
but it isn't your fault. At some point, we have to face the reality that people don't always do what's right and most folks are rather self-centered, which isn't always apparent until you call on them for help or support. I think that's where the cliché
'talk is cheap' comes from. Fortunately, my wife, like your husband, was a 'rock' of support two years ago when my AN symptoms flared up big-time and a large AN was found, necessitating surgery and radiation. We've always been each other's main support through many difficult times over our almost 40-year marriage. However, we have a large circle of friends, mostly (but not all) from our church, and they prayed for me and offered lots of help, which we didn't really need - but we appreciated the offers. My wife didn't leave the hospital for 3 days during and immediately following my surgery. She slept in the nurses' lounge ( no one objected) or in a chair, next to my bed in ICU. I didn't really want any visitors but all 5 Elders of my church were there to encourage me when I was waiting to be wheeled into surgery. Once home from the hospital, I received many calls...fielded by my wife...and numerous beautiful 'get well' cards from friends and acquaintances while I was recuperating. I felt well cared for and, frankly, didn't expect as much support as I received. Even now, two years later, some acquaintances I haven't seen for some time ask:
"how are you?" with that note of concern you'll probably get used to hearing in the months to come. I'm very grateful to be able to truthfully respond:
"Just fine, thanks!" The fact that you're dealing with your aged mother living with you and an adult son with serious medical issues is stressful and you'll definitely need to diffuse some of that stress as you deal with your AN. Radiation may be non-invasive but is not necessarily free of residual effects. You'll need some 'down-time' and you must allow yourself to focus on
you for awhile. Let others, be it your good-hearted husband or friends that actually want to do more than offer sympathy, take up the slack for awhile. You really will need to just let some obligations and concerns 'go' for a bit to give yourself time to fully recuperate. As they say:
"If you're not 100%, you're no good to others" (well, something like that).
Mary, based on your obvious personal strength of character (as demonstrated in your posts) and your husband's support, I believe you're going to get through this just fine. Still, a positive attitude has to come from a basis of reality. I fully believed my surgeon was an expert on AN surgeries and had only my best interests at heart. He confirmed that belief by his actions, including flying in a nerve-monitoring specialist for my surgery because I had expressed fears of facial paralysis after the operation. I had no facial paralysis and my follow-up radiation was effective but uneventful. No neusea or dizziness, just boredom. I felt truly blessed. I think you will be, too. Go ahead, be a little 'selfish' and just focus on
you. Don't let the failings of others drag you down and don't expect too much from friends, but just be grateful for what they can offer, even if only a kind word. We all have our burdens to bear and shouldering them often turns out to a be a singular task but one that we can conquer, even if 'a little help from our friends' is less than overwhelming at times.
Hang in there, Mary. We're all here for you when you need to vent or simply ask a question one of us may be able to answer, and we're not going away.
Jim
