I think I am in a mourning period... I have mourned the loss of some things since surgery...mostly the
ability to get around the farm and chase cows...
... sounds silly I know but if you live on a farm and
work it and one day get up and can't it is sad ... I helped sort calves last time we vaccinated and sold off
some and had to medicate myself before and again after to get through it without crying from pain...
This week my husband has been on call to be sent to Kentucky ...he works for the local electric system...
only 10 of our 30 linesmen and right-of-way crew are here ...rest in Kentucky ... some may come home and Bo
will leave ....
without talking to me first he talked to my son ... they arranged a row of round bales of hay with a hot wire
in front of them so I could take the old farm truck and bump them and roll them off the hill and wouldn't
have to deal with gates , the tractor and all else that it usually takes to put out hay... good system but I am totally
pissed off that he went behind my back and talked to my son first and thinks that I can't handle feeding the
cows... I blew my stack and told him they could starve for all I cared...
he got all apologetic and asked what I wanted him to do... I want to not be treated as a handicap around
here... I want to be able to jump up and down off tractor and get gates and take care of things ...I want to be
in on decisions being made for me and not told of them after things are arranged ... it was a good plan and would
be easier than the usual feed plan just because the up and down and dragging gates would get me ... but he
should have talked to me ...not my son ...
and I did something I have never done ... I told him that Travis was my son and not his and to never go behind my
back talking to my kids about me .... told him he could talk to our girls but not my sons ... not that he would get
a 9 and 11 year old to help move hay ..
ever since before we were married the boys have come to him over their dad... they have a great relationship with
him and they like him ... they were in mid to late teens when we married which could have been a bad time with all the
changes they were going through but Bo made it easy because he is one of those guys that I don't think has a mean
bone in his body and has no enemies ... even my ex likes him and has thanked him for taking care of his kids when he
wasn't around ... and to try to hurt him like that was senseless ... but a demon took over... I was hurt so bit back
feel kinda sucky now ...stupid thing to say but I have been under alot of stress dealing with the headaches and a
bad doctor and the cold that about zaps me (something it never did before but now makes me ache)... what
does Bo do ...he pats me on the head and hugs me and tells me things will be OK... in ways they will and we will
be OK ... and I will bump and roll hay off the hill to feed the cows and things will be sorta right with the world ...if
I didn't have him I would be insane by now ... and I gotta learn to not snap at him...something that has happened
several times ... I almost think unconsciously I snap at him because he takes it and still loves me regardless...
we talked and are OK... but I know he will do something again because he thinks it is protecting me ... and I will
get mad ... but we will move on ...at this point I have no choice and Bo won't let me not go on...
But I reserve the right to be sad and mad at things that have changed ... as long as I don't dwell on them and
after a short intermission to blow up and rant , I am able to move on and get on with daily life I think I will be OK...
that is something people don't understand ... I am alive but not always alright ... and they don't understand
my anger when it pops out ... or why I get sad ... they think the tumor is gone and I should be happy ...
which I am most of the time ... but the other things come with it ...anger ,sadness frustration etc
taking things one day at a time and some days hour by hour
PS... my Christmas tree is still up ...just haven't felt like dealing with packing all the ornamanets away and don't
want anyone else to do it ... 9 year old is thrilled and plans on adding Valentine and Easter things to it
... I did
get the 4 or 5 smaller tress throughout the house put away and other decorations are resting in their boxes til next
year ... but the tree remains in it's corner ...lights twinkling ... I get sad thinking about taking it down so don't ...
and I don't know why ... go figure
3:11 and alls well... I guess I should try to go back to sleep...