Still getting along OK.
Don't like who I am seeing. He is wanting to look at 30 years ago to figure out if something in my past is
causing issues now. Still holding to just prier to surgery forward. Not hiding anything. I gave him a short history
from childhood through to present. Zeroing in on when I starting melting down and what brought it on.
Been snowed and or iced in for the better part of two weeks. Mostly hanging out with my girls (now 15 and 17)
who were down with stomach bug and cruddy cough. But also did most of the feeding of the cows/chickens/donkeys
and other assorted critters while husband was out with electric system making
sure lines were clear and power was restored.
Kind of fun most of the time. Had a limb break under ice load and fall on electric fence. Couldn't get saw
cranked so tied it to my truck and jerked it loose. Untangled it from wires and put wires back up. Didn't want to chase
cows in snow drug it down the road and to the hay field about a mile away. So there was a random cedar limb in
our hay field with people trying to figure out how it got there.
Would have had to fly at least 100 feet since that was the closest cedar to it. I enjoyed seeing people walk
out and look at it. Several people called to tell me about it. Couldn't figure how it got there without high winds. It was
snowing enough when I drug it down road at about 6:30 to cover my tracks. Most sensible people were snug
and warm inside. Bo had worked a 26 hour stint then home for about 5 hours and back out. I had just got him fed and
went down to check a cow we have put up at the barn with a set of twins. Came back to house and the limb was across the
drive and had the fence down. just took care of it . I didn't mean to create a mystery, I was just trying to get fence up and limb
out of the way with no working saw. But I had fun with it when the mystery developed. Some people know
but it was more fun to hear theories from those who don't know I put the limb in field.
These two weeks of being snow bound have helped me more than the therapy. A lot of work but fun and enjoyable. I felt
alive and useful. I also worked on creating a coral reef from spray foam insulation for the upcoming book fair.
I think this has shown me something I already knew. I feel useless a lot of time because I can't do as much as I used to
But the cows chickens dogs cats etc. all survived under my care even though it was not as thorough or as complete as Bo
care. I got them through. I carried the cow 5 gallons of water twice a day and took me 3 trips each time carrying partially
filled bucket up from the creek instead of filling her trough since the water was froze from house to barn and that is all I
could manage. They (cow and twins) seem no worse for wear.
And my inept attempts at running the farm made me feel good.
I know somewhere in me that I have value. But at times reject it and feel pretty worthless. Then the losses and illnesses
of friends and their loved ones make me go why was I spared worse than SSD, headaches and my swaggering pirate walk?
OK. Enough self analyzing. I honestly think I am on to something and plan on sharing this with my shrink and
let him pick it apart.
I think I may think too much sometimes. And type too much sometimes .