Author Topic: Just when I thought...  (Read 6611 times)

wendymenard

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Just when I thought...
« on: August 30, 2012, 09:28:59 am »
Hey Everyone
I am dealing with some emotional issues I thought I had dealt with before...but in recent events they have come back to the surface. I am 10 months post op. I went through periods of why me, the acceptance of the tumor, the surgery, the after math of many post surgical issues...I am currently going to facial retraining and therapy so I am heading in the right direction. I was a school teacher before this tumor was diagnosed and for many reason after the surgery I decided to not go back into the classroom...it was just not a decision I took lightly but after being around the kids at the end of the year party I knew this was a profession I could no longer do..so I came to terms with it. Then I was told by my private disability company to apply for SSD disability and with much hesitation I did.. well as you can imagine it brought up the WHOLE EXPERIENCE again...that was last week..I am through with the application process and I am sure they will deny me the first time since this is standard practice but ever since I dropped off those papers I have been in a fog or a funk...I have no desire to do anything but just lay around..I do the basic things for myself and take care of my kids too. I am scared that I am becoming depressed. I think having to dredge up the whole experience again made me relive it and I feel like I am grieving again. Being 10 months post op I thought I would be further along in my recovery but after reading many post some of what i am experiencing may be with me for the rest of my life..I am not ready to accept that yet..Just wondering if what I am experiencing is normal and how did you all deal with all the emotions? Thanks  ???
Retrosigmoid approach Oct 25. 2011  2.5 cm tumor on hearing nerve touching facial nerve and brain stem. Experiencing several post op issues but staying positive and creating my new normal

mindyandy

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2012, 01:08:01 pm »
Hi Wendy
I'm not sure what to say *HUGS* Keep your chin up. The good Lord is by your side.

Mindy
14mm dx 9/07. CK done Seattle  1 year MRI showed some shrinkage. 4 year MRI 2mm growth nothing conclusive. Trigminal nerve involvment Retrosigmoid Friedmand/Schwartz HEI March 7,2012

Jim Scott

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2012, 02:00:05 pm »
Wendy ~

As we always caution, the AN experience; from diagnosis, treatment decision, surgery or radiation and recovery - including emotional issues - is different for every AN patient.  Obviously,your experience was a blow to your self-confidence and affected your quality of life.  This is more common that you might think.  However, many AN patients, while struggling, have responsibilities they must deal with and choose to push their disappointments and frustrations relative to their AN recovery, aside.  Unfortunately, doing so can have negative consequences yet allowing AN -related problems to overwhelm you is just as unhealthy.  What to do? 

Aside from venting here, which I consider very constructive, I would suggest you consider some form of counseling with a professional.  Many of our members have done this and most find it beneficial.   I have no experience in this area and won't presume to offer advice but I can offer you empathy and extend the promise of keeping you in thought and prayer.  I doubt I'll be the only person on these forums doing this so know that you are not isolated but surrounded by those who have been through their own AN journey, are rooting for you and wish you a successful recovery.  My final thought is that I believe we determine our own state of happiness.  I hope you'll decide to choose to be at peace and to find a way through this. 

Jim
4.5 cm AN diagnosed 5/06.  Retrosigmoid surgery 6/06.  Follow-up FSR completed 10/06.  Tumor shrinkage & necrosis noted on last MRI.  Life is good. 

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is.  The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.

PamJ

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2012, 03:03:23 pm »
Hi Wendy I went through a similar experience as you after having my tumour out.  I had to give up work as I was struggling with my SSD and as I worked for the Police I could not give a 100% to my job.  That's when I was worried  depression would set in I had gone from being a very busy person to  sitting feeling sorry for myself and not wanting to do anything. When people came to visit I put on this front of telling everyone I was fine and deep inside I wasn't. Then I began to realise how lucky I was that my tumour was non-cancerous, then I head about the BAHA operation to help hear on my deaf side again, I had the implant 9 weeks ago and am hopefully having the processor fitting in 4 weeks time so things are now beginning to look brighter.  Every now and then I think of what I had to go through and I find it scarey even now but things do gradually get better.  I had my tumour out 18 months ago. 
March 2011 - Acoustic Neuroma translab surgery
July    2011 - Tarsorrhaphy surgery
June   2012 - BAHA abutment surgery
July    2012 - Tarsorrhapy reversed
Sept   2012 - BAHA (Pronto Pro) fitted
Sept   2013 - Diplopia Surgery
April   2014 - Platinum chain surgery

MDemisay

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2012, 02:12:41 pm »
Dear Wendy,

What you are going through right now is normal and has a great deal to do with loss, the loss of who you viewed yourself as, you artificially cut yourself off and ended your career that was fine for a while until you had to revisit your career and deal with your unresolved feelings again. I am no therapist but I do know what that feels like.

I am in therapy myself!

 I had had a brain operation in 1974 for my AVM removal. I thought I was done with brain operations. That is until 2004, I nearly went ballistic when I realized that I was going to have to undergo another brain operation in a different region of my brain. What I had done in 1974 was I compartmentalized my operation and learned to live with things like not being able to use my right hand and relearning to walk again. A lot of time passed 30 years! I had come out of it by adapting to my new normal!

I went into a denial phase where I had to get 14 different neurosurgeons opinions to finally convince me to go. I felt depressed again but I went through it. Believe me it was painful Back then to get myself out of my depression ,I took up an old forgotten hobby of mine (model railroading) and little by little I came out of my shell.

What I am proposing here is get something that you are interested in and resume it! It may take a while at first but you can go slowly. If you like teaching and the feeling that you get from teaching then why not have a one to one situation regarding tutoring? Have you explored this?

Do something to distract yourself from yourself and the way you feel about your self image, get a new self image! You have adapted, you are strong, you are resilient!


I have faith in you, you CAN do it!

Have a nice weekend!

Mike
1974 - Dr. Michelson  Colombia Presbyterian removal of 3 Arterio Venous Malformations
2004- Dr. Sisti  NY Presbyterian subtotal removal of 3.1 cm AN,
2012 - June 11th Dr. Sisti Gamma Knife (easy-breasily done)"DEAD IRV" play taps!
Research, research, research then decide and trust in God's Hands!

wendymenard

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2012, 03:02:09 pm »
Thanks for all your comments. I believe some of what I am going through is emotional because my endometriosis has come back...this disease is horrible and it can get someone quite depressed. The pain from it alone is horrible. I have started to paint on canvas again and this has helped me. Last week was just a bad week for me. From not feeling well from post op issues from the AN to my endometriosis coming back has been overwhelming but I am grateful for every day I have...Wendy
Retrosigmoid approach Oct 25. 2011  2.5 cm tumor on hearing nerve touching facial nerve and brain stem. Experiencing several post op issues but staying positive and creating my new normal

MDemisay

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2012, 06:17:03 am »
Wendy,

Painting is extremely therapeutic too! Express your creativity! You'll find the more you are creative the more joy you'll feel.

Stop and appreciate your world there is true beauty there. Try to create a journal of how you feel on a day to day basis. Noting that at the beginning you will feel low, but as the days go on and as time passes that you should feel better.

Being a hobbyist myself, I thought my canvas was my layout an area that I was working on myself.

I revel in going to train shows! I encourage you to expand your interest and try to make it out to galleries and museums as often as you like.

Mike
1974 - Dr. Michelson  Colombia Presbyterian removal of 3 Arterio Venous Malformations
2004- Dr. Sisti  NY Presbyterian subtotal removal of 3.1 cm AN,
2012 - June 11th Dr. Sisti Gamma Knife (easy-breasily done)"DEAD IRV" play taps!
Research, research, research then decide and trust in God's Hands!

thisisajourney

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2012, 12:38:05 pm »
Hey Everyone
I am dealing with some emotional issues I thought I had dealt with before...but in recent events they have come back to the surface. I am 10 months post op. I went through periods of why me, the acceptance of the tumor, the surgery, the after math of many post surgical issues...I am currently going to facial retraining and therapy so I am heading in the right direction. I was a school teacher before this tumor was diagnosed and for many reason after the surgery I decided to not go back into the classroom...it was just not a decision I took lightly but after being around the kids at the end of the year party I knew this was a profession I could no longer do..so I came to terms with it. Then I was told by my private disability company to apply for SSD disability and with much hesitation I did.. well as you can imagine it brought up the WHOLE EXPERIENCE again...that was last week..I am through with the application process and I am sure they will deny me the first time since this is standard practice but ever since I dropped off those papers I have been in a fog or a funk...I have no desire to do anything but just lay around..I do the basic things for myself and take care of my kids too. I am scared that I am becoming depressed. I think having to dredge up the whole experience again made me relive it and I feel like I am grieving again. Being 10 months post op I thought I would be further along in my recovery but after reading many post some of what i am experiencing may be with me for the rest of my life..I am not ready to accept that yet..Just wondering if what I am experiencing is normal and how did you all deal with all the emotions? Thanks  ???

MDemisay

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Re: Just when I thought...
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2012, 03:02:09 pm »
Dear thisajourney,

??????????

Mike
1974 - Dr. Michelson  Colombia Presbyterian removal of 3 Arterio Venous Malformations
2004- Dr. Sisti  NY Presbyterian subtotal removal of 3.1 cm AN,
2012 - June 11th Dr. Sisti Gamma Knife (easy-breasily done)"DEAD IRV" play taps!
Research, research, research then decide and trust in God's Hands!

 


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