Prayers For Dad

[rayden1]

Hi Soundy,

So sorry for what you are going through. Prayers said for you both.

Ann x

[schmidtkat]

Soundy,
Thoughts and prayer to you and your family. So sorry to read of these challenging times for you and your dad. He is fortunate to have your love and compassion. Prayers for God's mercy and peace.
Kathy

[Soundy]

Daddy is doing good... he is back to eating soft foods... he wants meat and raw fruit but they are giving him soft stuff that will pass by the tumor that is blocking intestines... they say solids would lead to a painful death as his intestines could rupture if a blockage of waste developed above tumor ... the walls of his intestines are so thin they were afraid to do anything ... and there was not  a long enough piece to run over to outside and put a bag on him ...

but he is back at nursing home and doing better... he is pain free and hoping to get well enough to move back to assisted living side ... doctors don't think he will ever be able to ... I am going over tomorrow to sit with him. .. Mostly I just sit and read from my Nook since he is sleeping alot... It is when he wakes up that is interesting … a lot of talk and the occasional try at escape

they put a body alarm on him but he gets it off... he wants to go outside and to ramble the halls like he was doing the day before all this started ... he can't by himself because his insurance hasn't approved a portable oxygen tank he could roll around... he takes the oxygen off to go to bathroom and by the time he is through his oxygen has dropped to 70 or so ...once went to 55 and he collapsed and took about an hour to get him back to his normal ... his ears and nose turned grey and it scared me ... he is like an ant and all his live has been in near perpetual motion ... the laying around is starting to way on him ... and then he tries to take off to go visit or to go outside to look at trees , bird and passing traffic...

part of me wants him to just slip away and be at peace ... the other part wants to keep him hear ... we have had a rough relationship and now as he lays dying he is opening up and trying to explain why he did things he did and apologizing without saying the words  "I'm Sorry" ... all of us kids need this from him ...I don't ask or push him like one of my brothers do ... I just sit and listen and when he starts explaining his whys I answer anything he asks about how things affected me or hurt me ...

then he may slip off into a good time like berry picking in Alaska with a bear following us ... we smelled him before we saw him (bears  stink) and he was between us and our house ... we casually made a big  circle and came back to the house ... we also dumped the berries so he could stop and eat them and give us some time to make our get away ... that may not sound like a good memory but it is ...we worked as a team and didn't get eaten by a bear... And that was about 2 years before he told me he didn’t want girls that I just happened before he got his boys …

enough of my book... I am trying to catch up on laundry ... I have a load in the dryer and another in the washer... my people sure do go through alot of towels ... had two loads ...last night me and Bo had to share the last clean  towel and he thought it was the end of the world …don‘t know what he was complaining about … he got it first with instructions not to dry his feet or nether regions ...I have to sit with Daddy tomorrow after I do mamo until around 6... then me and the girls will go over Saturday to visit ...over the weekend is easier .. friends from his church have started taking 2 hour stints with him to give us a break

Thanks for thoughts and prayers  … I need them … this is a healing process for me and a mending between me and my dad … it has come about 42 years late … but better late than never …it is good … that said , his passing is going to hurt all the more because we are reconnecting …

I did learn a family secret that has haunted me since about 3rd grade when we studied the holocaust... my origin on Dads side is German ... I knew that my great grandfather got family out of Germany in early 40's and changed the spelling of his last name , settled in Alabama and worked in foundries and coal mines  ... never knew anything other than they got out of Germany fast ... I have asked and been told it was none oe my business if we were of Jewish decent , Nazi getting out of Dodge ...just why did he pick up and leave with just his family and what they could carry ... turns out that he was a Jewish sympathizer and was working underground to hide Jews and get them out of Germany ... we he was identified as such he and his family was in danger of being killed and he managed to get out ... evidently he had been well off and bought his way out with property and ended up here nearly penniless ...

I think this is something to be proud of ... but my dad is a very prejudice man ... people different than him I think scare him ... he is better now as he has aged than when I was grown up but we butted heads growing up over my making friend that were black kids , a Japanese girl in the first grade , Mexican kids when we lived in El Paso etc ... I would have liked to know this years ago … I have always viewed people as just people …we are all different but that makes things interesting … I have always felt that people don’t deserve to be labeled due to race , religion etc … I guess I got that from my great grandfather that I never knew but now have a little bit of bio on …

OK… time to do something useful like more laundry 

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers

[Soundy]

Dad doing good. He is about his normal selve. In good spirits.

[Jim Scott]

Dad doing good. He is about his normal selve. In good spirits.

Answered prayers!   

Jim

[Soundy]

That's what I think ... the doctors are wonder why he is up and about and not gone ... I think God has given us time to get to know him and to learn things that he has kept from us our whole life ... he is unburdening his soul I guess you would say ... I have heard things I have waiting 40 years or more to hear ... better late than never  ... if it eases him now to say I am sorry , I will take that ... have one brother who is very angry with him or doing this now and won't look in on him unless he is sleeping them he just stares at him and gets teary ... he is as stubborn and hardheaded as his dad ...

continue prayers please and add one to soften my brothers heart and make him understand that Pa ( I usually type my dad or Dad  but he is Pa ...always has been , always will be ) was like he was because of seeds planted when he was a child by our grandmother who was a very hard , cold woman... he was just never able to cut the thing that grew and affected all of us kid negatively ... he is very much like Pa and does some of the same things to his two boys as Pa did to us ... He needs to break the cycle … I did , so know it can be done

thank you

[Jim Scott]

Soundy ~

Very moving information regarding your 'Pa's' rebound and I tend to agree with your assessment of the purpose for sparing him.  I would hope that, as you hear the things you've longed to hear for so long, that you can reciprocate by offering your father your forgiveness - while you can.  That lifts a burden from both of you that will be cathartic for both you and 'Pa'.  We can't change the past but we can choose a better present and I commend you for making that choice in this very emotional, difficult time in your life.

Your brother's hard heart is somewhat understandable, given the family history you've graciously shared here but in the end, it all comes down to a choice.  He can hold on to his anger and resentment and it will be nothing but toxic for him and, as you've noted, can end up being passed on, which is doubly sad for all concerned.  Once your father has passed, he can no longer be hurt in any way by his son's resentment but the son (your brother) will be emotionally harmed by clinging to anger against a man that is no longer here.  As you stated, your brother can break this vicious cycle but he has to chose to do so.  I won't presume to offer direct advice on how to approach him about this - but I will suggest that you try to help your brother see the futility of holding on to his resentment against his father when the father is admitting his errors and, in reality, seeking forgiveness.  Your brother withholding that forgiveness will, in the long run, hurt him far more than it will hurt your father, who likely will be gone, soon.  Your brother is not 'getting even' with his dad but simply wallowing in what is probably well-earned resentment and anger that he needs to let go so he can move on with a 'clean slate'.  Allow 'Pa' to admit his failuers and mistakes, then offer him genuine forgivness.  All you can do is state the reality.  What your brother chooses to do will be his decision to make - and to live with.  I pray (with you, I'm sure) that he'll make the right choice. 

Jim

[Soundy]

Pa still doing good considering all things... spent last two days sitting with him ... only time he got agitated was when he couldn't remember the names of the stores that used to be around the square in Fayetteville... many have changed after being there 50-100 years and he doesn't like it ... but he had me trying to remember ... I moved from there in 1986 and haven't kept up ... a feed store we used moved then later closed when the owner died ... I called one of my brothers to get the name and thankfully he knew  .... not a single person in the halls that I asked remembered the name … but they did remember that the old man had a 5 cent Coke machine and he always had a pocket full of nickels to give to kids to go get a Coke even though they were 50c everywhere else the last time I was in there  ... he still gave them to me when I was in mid 20s ... I kept thinking Tucker's Supply but me and Pa knew that wasn't right ... it was Tanner's Supply … this took up about 2 hours of yesterday and he wouldn’t calm down until I found out the name

my brother that is being hard headed and hearted talked to Pa Tuesday about his first hair cut ... the child had the prettiest long blonde curls I have ever seen ... Ma wouldn't let anyone cut his hair ... when we were buying new shoes and Danny was about 2 the lady in Penney's said to my parents that "it's awful to put those boots on such a pretty little girl" ... when we got home the clippers came out and he got his haircut ... we have pictures of him laughing through it all... SIL says he only stayed about 15 minutes but that is something ...

This is the same brother that has told me it is my fault that our family fell apart because I got married and left… and when I divorced my abusive first husband I took away his brother (my Ex) …nothing stopped him from keeping touch with him … my mom still does …he topped some trees for her a few weeks ago…it is nothing to me if my family keeps in touch with him … I think my brother has a lot of guilt for things he has done echoing my dad’s behavior … he can’t take ownership for his responsibility for it so has to blame someone … me , my dad , mom and his wife… he is stuck at being the 12 year old boy who felt I abandon and then two years later when Mom moved out she abandon him too … then my dad was really hard on him and my other brother who were still at home … he tries to make me feel guilty for leading my  own live and doing what is right for me and my family ...but maybe he is coming around ...at least he saw dad while he was awake

I quit keeping in touch with him about 13 years ago … in a drunken rant he told me that my daughter and my then unborn baby were bastards because he didn’t count my second marriage was real … that is not his call … but I was not going to put up with him and his mess any more  or let him hurt my girls… he calls me 2 or 3 times a year to say hi … we talk a few minutes and hang up … never says much …

What I regret is cutting me and my family off from my nephews … the oldest told me he missed me when I quit coming around and he missed playing with my long hair which I used to take down so he could brush and braid it ( just in case you are wondering , most 4 year olds can’t braid hair , the braids includig lots of knots )  the youngest was just a year a half old and doesn’t remember me at all … the oldest told me my brother told them I hated them … I told him that I had to protect myself and family from his dad hurting us with his attitude … he told me he fully understands that having grown up with him ... he is a senior this year and nearly 18 years old  … my sons have kept in touch with them and see the boys regularly …so they know what me and my family do and when the girls have won awards or did good in fair etc … and I know what they have been up to … but it just not the same as being there …

Something else my dad and me talked about yesterday was my step mother and her taking all he had … he told me several times that he got the piggy banks ( 30-40 of them ) that I have given him over the years out … he took his tools for the shop , clothes and those piggy banks … when I first saw them on the shelves he built to hold them it made me feel like maybe I had meant something to him after all … yesterday's talk was kinda enforcing that 

Sorry to go on … this is therapeutic for me and cheaper than a shrink … did talk to my PCP and got a low dose of Prozac  to calm me …I talk to my dad and brother in my head constantly rehearsing what I would like to say … some has been said over last few weeks … some will remain unsaid as it doesn’t matter at this point … but I am not sleeping and spending too many hours behind my steering wheel to be driving half asleep … they take the edge off just enough to shut down my brain enough to let me sleep when I lay down fro the night… and unlike the sleeping pills the neuro has given me to help me get some sleep , they don’t leave me with a hung over feeling

Let’s go get the girls from their FCA meeting … thanks for putting up with me

[Soundy]

The last two weeks have been bad for Pa. He was moved last Friday to a new facility. He is only taking a little liquid , mostly water, now. He has a morphine patch and gets a shot to boost it every 6 hours. If he gets hurting between they give him a little by mouth. They gave him 2-3 days at most last week. He had a bad day yesterday but was better today.

No one can answer this for me but will toss a thought out. The doctors advised us not to tell him early on that the cancer was so wide spread. Yesterday he aid he was just ready to go on and didn't know why he didn't. I think part of him wants to stay for us since he is finally opening up after a lifetime of silence. I think we have got from him what we need. Like I have said before it is late coming but better than the wondering.

I think someone needs to say to him ....." We forgive you , love you and it is OK to move on".   He sleeps most of the time but when he is awake he is in agony. But it seems like he is waiting for something or holding on. It would be good to see him at peace. Any opinions?

Typing on Nook. Tried to rid of typos and insert spaces as needed. Sorry for any I missed

[Jim Scott]

Soundy ~

Your post is poignant and challenging but with the understanding that this is a lot easier for me to say, an 'outsider' with no emotional attachment to the man, than it is for you to do, I offer this suggestion only because you asked the question. 

Based on what you've shared with us regarding your dad's pain, the successful, long-awaited reconciliations and his evident desire to end this, I would make the observation that it is, indeed, time to let him know that he is both loved and forgiven and that it is O.K. to 'let go' (of life).  Unrelenting, acute pain with no cure possible is hardly 'living' .  Let him go, in peace.  This can be your final act of love for your father. 

Jim 

[Soundy]

Thank you Jim.  I told Pa it was okay to go and be atpeace and that we all love him and forgive him for past hurts. He smiled a little and went to sleep. That was Friday evening .

He quietly passed away yesterday morning with us around him. He is at peace finaly.

Thank you for letting me express my hurts and feelings here. And for support shown.

[Cheryl R]

Soundy, my sympathy to you and your family.   It has been quite a struggle for all of you.    Knowing some family issues were resolved to some degree should help and may there be peace to you all.                         Cheryl R

[CHD63]

Soundy .....

Want you to know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers throughout this long time of sickness for your father.  Perhaps the length of time gave all of you the needed opportunity to express how you all felt so there are no regrets later.  May you all be at peace now.

Continuing prayers .....

Clarice

[Jim Scott]

Soundy ~

Please accept my condolences to you and your family on the death of your father. 

I'm relieved to learn that you were able to let him know that he was both loved and forgiven and that he was able to go gently 'into that good night'.*

* My apologies to Dylan Thomas

Jim

[saralynn143]

Peace to you and your family, Soundy.