Author Topic: My daughter hates me because I got sick...  (Read 16327 times)

mimoore

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My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« on: January 15, 2010, 07:50:46 pm »
Has anyone experienced this?
My 13 year old daughter is angry at me all the time and I think I have figured out why and it has to do with my tumour. I have older daughters so know teenage girls and mothers have their issues but I felt this was different. We have always been close and slowly she has pushed me away.
I feel she is angry at me because I got sick and that there was a risk of me dying. At the time of my surgery the doctors did not know what type of tumour I had and they said there was a risk because of where my tumour was located and the size of it. We choose to be upfront with her and our other children. I did not want to say I wasn't going to die when we weren't sure. I did say that there was a huge chance I would lose my hearing and a little chance I would die. I did not want to lie to her and then had I died she would never have forgiven me.
Anyway, I confronted her and asked her if this is true and she said 'yes' and a tear rolled down her cheek. I am crushed, I told her I am not going to die from this tumour and she said I was a liar. I told her I would show her this site and some research I have. I asked her how we could make this better and she said she doesn't know and asked me to leave her alone.
I am sooo sad right now. I still need to be the mother I am (make her clean her room, not be on the computer too long, clean up after herself, blah blah blah) and I cannot parent from guilt.
I sense therapy when she is an adult.... my mother got sick and I hate her for it...she ruined my life...

Michelle  :'(
 
« Last Edit: January 15, 2010, 07:55:48 pm by mimoore »
Retrosigmond surgery on June 4th, 2008 for an AN. 100% hearing loss and facial paralysis (was not prepared for facial paralysis). Size: 2.3 cm, 2.1 cm, 1.8 cm. some tumour remains along facial nerve. Pray for no regrowth. Misdiagnosed for 10 yrs.

saralynn143

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2010, 09:06:46 pm »
Hi Michelle. I'm so sorry this has come between you and your daughter. It sounds like you have the channels of communication open, though, and I'm praying that her emotions are resolved for the better very soon.

Take care, Michelle.

Sara
MVD for hemifacial spasm 6/2/08
left side facial paresis
 12/100 facial function - 7/29/08
 46 - 11/25/08
 53 - 05/12/09
left side SSD approx. 4 weeks
 low-frequency hearing loss; 85% speech recognition 7/28/08
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Fitted for scleral lens 5/9/13

leapyrtwins

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2010, 09:18:49 pm »
Michelle -

I have a 13 year old daughter and a 13 year old son, but thankfully I haven't had this issue with either one of them.  They were 11 1/2 at the time of my AN surgery and although I was very upfront with them, I never told them that I could die from my AN or my AN surgery because I myself didn't believe I would.   

If it were one of my kids with this issue, I'd seek therapy for her/him now, not wait and let the resentment build.  IMO, it would be wise to address your daughter's concerns head on; issues like this can linger and fester.  Maybe joint therapy or family therapy would be a good option.

Just my take on the situation and my two cents worth.  I fully expect that a lot of others will disagree with me. 

Jan

Retrosig 5/31/07 Drs. Battista & Kazan (Hinsdale, Illinois)
Left AN 3.0 cm (1.5 cm @ diagnosis 6 wks prior) SSD. BAHA implant 3/4/08 (Dr. Battista) Divino 6/4/08  BP100 4/2010 BAHA 5 8/2015

I don't actually "make" trouble..just kind of attract it, fine tune it, and apply it in new and exciting ways

Kaybo

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2010, 10:22:14 pm »
Michelle~
I have not experienced this exactly as my girls were not born yet when I had the AN surgery.  HOWEVER, I have had many other surgeries and permanent facial paralysis.  My middle daughter was having some problems so we took her to a counselor and HE figured out that she is very worried that I will get ANOTHER brain tumor and die (we never realized this b/c WE know that it was a long time ago and I am OK now, but every time she looks at my face, she worries).  Apparently, she worries about things and that is where her troubles stem - we thought she had an anger problem but I think now that she is very anxious and bottles everything up & then blows (right now she is obsessive about tornadoes).  All that to say that this does effect our kids in many ways that we don't even think about!  I would also say that I think some sort of counseling would help her to understand better and get her feelings out.

K   ;D
Translab 12/95@Houston Methodist(Baylor College of Medicine)for "HUGE" tumor-no size specified
25 yrs then-14 hour surgery-stroke
12/7 Graft 1/97
Gold Weight x 5
SSD
Facial Paralysis-R(no movement or feelings in face,mouth,eye)
T3-3/08
Great life!

lawmama

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2010, 06:36:55 am »
Michelle,

I am a mother and my heart aches for you!  My kids are little, so I will let other more experienced moms give you advice, but I just wanted you to know that things with your daughter will be ok.  If you have been a loving mother, which it sounds like you have, she is probably just pushing you away because she is so afraid of losing you. I hope she can work through her feelings and realize that pushing you away is not the answer. 

Lyn
9mm X 7mm tumor (left side), diagnosed 10-15-09
Retrosigmoid on 12-14-09 by Drs. Antonelli and Lewis (my heroes!)
Shands in Gainesville, FL
SSD, but no facial issues.  Mild tinnitus.

Cheryl R

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2010, 08:36:49 am »
Michelle,   Your daughter is also at the the age where the hormones are kicking in big time and can bring lots of ups and downs  to their thoughts.      I agree with the worry one that Kaybo mentioned as my youngest daughter is a worrier type and inherited it from me.     My daughters were in their early twenties to thirty  by the time I have had my surgeries so able to handle it probably better than if they were younger.                    Some of her thoughts might even be something she doesn't really know how to explain.         Life with a teenager can be very hard even with nothing going on in your life.          I hope this can work out in time and make life easier for both of you.                        Cheryl R 
Right mid fossa 11-01-01
  left tumor found 5-03,so have NF2
  trans lab for right facial nerve tumor
  with nerve graft 3-23-06
   CSF leak revision surgery 4-07-06
   left mid fossa 4-17-08
   near deaf on left before surgery
   with hearing much improved .
    Univ of Iowa for all care

mimoore

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2010, 11:00:58 am »
Thank you everyone for your kind words.

This June I will be two years post op. My older daughters were - 23 and 25 at the time so they understood the situation better. We had a family meeting when I was diagnosed so they could ask questions, and we could discuss things openly. We didn't want to hide anything and now it has backfired. I thought we were making the best decision at the time.  Had I known my tumour was an AN it might have been better. Then after surgery I had complications that probably didn't help.

I think therapy of some sort would be beneficial, I will call my family doctor to refer us to someone. I know this anger is a big shield to protect herself. This is a sad time as I have always had a very close relationship with all of my children.

My 13 yr old is going to spend the weekend with her sisters(they have a very loving relationship) and they are going to try to talk to her. Hopefully this will help a bit.

Michelle   :'(
« Last Edit: January 16, 2010, 11:02:41 am by mimoore »
Retrosigmond surgery on June 4th, 2008 for an AN. 100% hearing loss and facial paralysis (was not prepared for facial paralysis). Size: 2.3 cm, 2.1 cm, 1.8 cm. some tumour remains along facial nerve. Pray for no regrowth. Misdiagnosed for 10 yrs.

sgerrard

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2010, 11:58:58 am »
Michelle,

I have a good friend who lost her mother at the age of 14. It caused a lot of problems in her life for years after. I wish she could have gotten good therapy at the time, I'm sure it would have helped enormously. Do whatever you can.

Although this won't make logical sense, there is truth in it when it is a matter of the heart: she wouldn't hate you if she didn't love you. She has learned too early that her mother will not always be there for her. Though we all learn it eventually, it is difficult when it is thrust upon you at a young age. Whether it be divorce or death or medical issue, it is too much grown up information for a kid.

I'm betting that if you stick with her, it will work out in time.

Steve
8 mm left AN June 2007,  CK at Stanford Sept 2007.
Hearing lasted a while, but left side is deaf now.
Right side is weak too. Life is quiet.

moe

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2010, 12:20:14 pm »
Michelle,
My heart goes out to you. Your daughter is at a crucial hormonal stage of ups and downs, so also her imagination may be getting the best of her.
No, you didn't die, but in her mind- who knows, you still may die. The subconscious brain is very powerful....(Even though you have told her you will NOTdie)
Kind of a protective mechanism- she is maybe angry or turning away in case you DO die so she can cope.  ??? ???
Therapy is definitely a must for you and her now. Now how to get both of you there without having to drag her.......
Good luck, you both are in my prayers.
Maureen
06/06-Translab 3x2.5 vascular L AN- MAMC,Tacoma WA
Facial nerve cut,reanastomosed.Tarsorrhaphy
11/06. Gold weight,tarsorrhaphy reversed
01/08- nerve transposition-(12/7) UW Hospital, Seattle
5/13/10 Gracilis flap surgery UW for smile restoration :)
11/10/10 BAHA 2/23/11 brow lift/canthoplasty

yardtick

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2010, 01:31:48 pm »
Michelle,

I have four sons.  At the time of my surgery and recovery my third son Anthony's dear friend Amanda was fighting for her life.  She had cancer as a young toddler and as a result of treatment she developed a secondary cancer that took her life after a valiant 18 month battle.  He was with her when she passed, two days before his 18Th birthday.  I myself was battling crippling headaches and severe facial pain.  I was working full time, coming home to the couch or my bed.  I was having a very difficult time coping because of the pain. 

Being a mother is challenging and very rewarding as you know.  The night of Amanda's passing, Anthony climbed into my bed between my husband and I.  He cried himself to sleep in my arms.  During the viewing and funeral he was stuck to me like glue.  It took its toll on me and I thought I hid my own pain from him, but I didn't.  A few days afterwards when I was in bed with a brain wreck of a headache, he got so angry with me.  He yelled, ranted and raved.  I knew it was his grieving over loosing Amanda, but I also knew he was very angry I was sick.  He might of been afraid of loosing me. 

His anger lasted for several months.  It was my cousin who saw and heard him one day and she cornered him.  She told Anthony that no one wants to take to their bed at 2:00 in the afternoon on a gorgeous summer day.  She told him I was not feeling sorry for myself.  She asked him to remember what I was like before the surgery, to remember our house was always the house where everyone gathered.  Than she ask him if he was afraid I was going to die.  At that moment he crumbled in her arms.  Once his fear was verbalized it was easier for me to understand his anger.  He saw the family doctor a few times, which was very beneficial.

Today he is two months shy of his 20Th birthday and he is my loveable, kind, considerate son again.  Hang in there Michele, she is still a baby.  Older sisters are wonderful.  Try not to take it personally and let her know she can come to you or her sisters anytime.

You need a kiss to the forehead  :-*
Anne Marie

Sept 8/06 Translab
Post surgical headaches, hemifacial spasms and a scar neuroma. 
Our we having fun YET!!! 
Watch & Wait for more fun & games

Jim Scott

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2010, 03:20:24 pm »
Michelle ~

I was predictably dismayed to read about the situation with your 13-year-old daughter; her fear and now, her anger that has come between you.  I've never pretended to understand the minds of young females and although I'm a parent, we had a son (now 30) who was a good boy and grew to be a fine young man, although of course, we had our issues during his adolescence.  By the time I received my AN diagnosis, he was 27 and because I wasn't panicky (my wife wasn't quite so sanguine) he took my cue and treated the entire process; numerous doctor visits, multiple pre-op tests, the 9-hour surgery, 5-day hospitalization and - fortunately - a rapid recovery, with remarkable equanimity.  I can't imagine how he would have reacted at 13 and if we'd had a pubescent young daughter, well, all bets would be off.  That said, I offer you my sympathy - but no substantive advice.  It's unfortunate that your daughter believes you could die from your AN, which, as we know, is  technically true - but the chances of that happening are truly infinitesimal.  However, I doubt statistics would carry much weight when a girl is convinced her mother could die - and leave her - because of a small, benign, partially excised skull-based tumor.  It appears as if your daughter is struggling with her fear of losing you - and that fear has to be respected, even when it's practically baseless.  Just as we sensitively deal with non-existent 'monsters under the bed' when our children are toddlers, we have to treat these fears of a 13-year-old girl about her mom dying as both real and somewhat serious.

I can't imagine your daughter growing up to be maladjusted over her misunderstanding the risks of her mother having an acoustic neuroma and subsequent removal surgery, back when she was 13 years old.  However, I'm well aware that some children may carry the fallout of such incidents with them and later develop unhealthy attitudes because the issue was never properly addressed.  Still, I'm 'old school 'and so, don't automatically fall back on 'therapy' and 'counseling' for every traumatic incident in my child's life, although I have no problem with these disciplines that help many.  My son always had a good relationship with his mother and me.  We talked.  I was careful to treat him age-appropriately, that is, I didn't 'talk down' to him but I didn't expect him, at, say 13, to have the discernment of an adult, either.  He went through some struggles during his adolescence and did see a doctor at one point (to determine if he had any physical problems) but for the most part, we muddled through and he did just fine.  Today, we have a very strong bond.

I know that offering advice on child-raising issues is risky and fraught with too many opportunities to make enemies so I have absolutely no desire to give advice on a subject that I have only my own parenting experience to draw on, which is hardly impressive, I know.  I have no expertise in this sort of thing so I'll simply mention that your daughter may well get past this on her own - or with her big sisters help - but I wouldn't make myself despondent and fearful of dire consequences to your daughter's psyche because you 'got sick' when she was 13 years old and unable to deal with her fears of 'losing' her mom.  If professional counseling is called for, by all means, pursue that option.  Whatever it takes.  I can only hope and believe that your daughter will be O.K., in time.

Jim                  
4.5 cm AN diagnosed 5/06.  Retrosigmoid surgery 6/06.  Follow-up FSR completed 10/06.  Tumor shrinkage & necrosis noted on last MRI.  Life is good. 

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is.  The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.

mimoore

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2010, 03:39:43 pm »
Wow, you are all wonderful. :-*
I got all teary reading your posts. It is great to see things from all perspectives.
I knew you would all understand, thank you for being there for me again and again.
We will make it through this our bond is strong. It is just very sad that another thing has happened as a result of my AN.
Michelle  :(
Retrosigmond surgery on June 4th, 2008 for an AN. 100% hearing loss and facial paralysis (was not prepared for facial paralysis). Size: 2.3 cm, 2.1 cm, 1.8 cm. some tumour remains along facial nerve. Pray for no regrowth. Misdiagnosed for 10 yrs.

another NY postie

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2010, 07:20:05 am »
Dear Michelle,
I, too, am living with a 13 year old and I feel your pain! :D  Seriously, she is not angry with me for my surgery but seems to always be on a rollercoaster of emotions, dragging her mama right along with her.  I was honest, too, about my surgery, but did leave the "might die" out just because, although I knew it was a risk, I don't think I really thought I would.  I used the caringbridge site and they got to see lots of "head" shots of me while I was out in CA and when I came home, they seemed fine.  But I don't think we can ever understand the workings of our individual minds and there are definitely those, myself included, who suffer from anxiety.  Anxiety is not something that is easily controlled and it does seem to be random.  The most important thing, which you are doing, is acknowledging her feelings, whether they are rational or not.  The anger/hate is just masking the fear.

My 10 year old seems to have my tendency towards anxiety and while she has been fine all through my recovery, she started having nightmares when I returned to work 2 weeks ago.  She doesn't suffer from these typically, but she is now so gripped with fear of someone breaking in that she is sleeping in her sister's room on the floor. I know that it is related to my returning to work but can't exactly bridge the two thoughts.  She meets me at the door everyday with this huge, long hug and while it is extremely sweet, there is an air of desperation or fear around her.  I am trying to work this through with her and it also could be the fear of me dying.   She also doesn't seem to be able to walk home from school by herself because of fear.  (there is a small portion of the walk where she is alone but there are many kids walking all over the place).  I don't know at what point that one seeks therapy for their child.  I think if it starts interfering with their normal activiites or if one feels that they need guidance in working through an issue.

Good luck with your daughter...I am sure you will find a happy place with her and this will be a distant memory someday.  Parenting is such a hard task and when we throw in ANs and surgeries and recoveries, it does seem to affect all aspects of our lives.

Cheryl
5 mm lateral IAC (impacted?) diagnosed 6-09-09
middle fosa 9/23 HEI - Brackmann/Schwartz
all tumor gone, facial perfect, no ringing
SSD on right side - Rockin' and Rollin'

stoneaxe

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2010, 10:02:20 am »
This too shall pass.

She's 13..its what some 13 year olds do. My youngest daughter hated me from the time she was 10 until she was 20. She hated me because I was her father and she didn't like that I had rules for her to follow. She's 25 now and we're very close....no therapy necessary. I'd avoid therapy like a plague. Most of the kids that I know whose parents sent them to therapy are even more screwed up today as adults.
Bob - Official Member of the Postie/Toasty Club
6mm AN treated with Proton Beam Radiosurgery in March 2004
at Mass General Hospital, Dr's Loeffler and Chapman
Cut the little bugger out the second time around in 2009..translab at MGH with Dr's McKenna and Barker.
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Kaybo

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Re: My daughter hates me because I got sick...
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2010, 11:11:28 am »
My middle child is seeing someone - which was a VERY hard thing for me.  I am not opposed to therapy but have NEVER had to go for myself or needed any medication.  I think that if you asked ANYONE around, they would say that we are very good parents and not "screwed up" in any way - even though we are certainly NOT super parents, or people.  Even though I feel inadequate as a parent that had to seek counseling for my child, I am doing it because I want the VERY BEST for her and I don't think we were meeting that need.  I have 3 daughters and 2 of the 3 are more like me - my middle is extremely bright and apparently anxiety ridden.  She is still very young, IMO, and we have been struggling with issues (her anxiety manifests in angry outbursts) basically since she could talk.  We felt that it was time to get someone else involved to help HER - we were afraid it was interfering with her friendships and how the other kids viewed her.

It has been my experience a lot of folks do just stick their kids in therapy because they really don't care & don't want to have to deal with them, however; that is certainly NOT the case in all scenarios.  PLEASE don't pass judgement or advise others to not seek something that could be really helpful (ex. health related issues as opposed to general rebellion of rules) for them and their whole family.

K
*a parent who is TORN UP because my child is in counseling...*
Translab 12/95@Houston Methodist(Baylor College of Medicine)for "HUGE" tumor-no size specified
25 yrs then-14 hour surgery-stroke
12/7 Graft 1/97
Gold Weight x 5
SSD
Facial Paralysis-R(no movement or feelings in face,mouth,eye)
T3-3/08
Great life!

 


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