July will mark my 3 year anniversary ... and recently I have felt like my 12 1/2 year old hates me for the AN ... when I don't hear her and ask her to repeat something she rolls her eyes makes a kinda grunting sound and storms off ... she gets mad when I won't want to go watch them skate or when I do go and I plug my hearing ear , she is mad because I can't hear and respond to her as she wants me too ... I get tired and take naps ...lots of naps and she thinks I should be up and about ...but later after being a pill and growling at me she comes around , kisses my forehead and tells me she loves me ... but the anger she is expressing is scary ... I am figuring hormones and the still dealing with my issues is catching up with her ... She has said she wants the old mom back and I am not the same mom she had before surgery â€¦
my 10 1/2 year old is just herself ...sweet, lovable , happy kid ... but I am prepared for her to turn Mr. Hyde on me like older one has ... and with both , I just keep loving them and wait for it to pass ... will seek help if we need to â€¦
as for counseling ... it all depends like Donnalynn said , getting the right match ... the wrong person can do more damage than good ...
I have been in counseling several time in my life associated with problems of my older sister and how it was impacting my life and that of our whole family ...
First was group family therapy when my parents finally realized that my older sisterâ€™s severe mental illness was not something they could handle alone ... she would be normal one day and may try to kill someone the next ...didnâ€™t work well with first 2 assigned therapists ( when in El Paso and Army is paying for it , you got little choice in who you saw , just take what is given )
I have a knife scar on the back of my hand and a scar on my forehead ... When I was about 6 month old she held me by my ankles and thunked my head on a coffee table to get rid of me ... She told our parents she didnâ€™t want any brothers or sisters â€¦but me having a hard head she didn't succeed ... She was just past 2 years old at the time
The knife scar was put there when I was about 11 and I had cut up an apple ... I was sitting at table smearing peanut butter on the pieces and then there was knife stuck in my hand ... she was in and out of hospitals all across the country ...
The first therapist was when we were in El Paso , mid 70â€™s we went into group therapy to â€œfix her â€œ â€¦ after one session of getting to know us other kids ( as if he could know 4 kids in 2 hours ) the therapist had us drawing all the time â€¦ just put us at a table with crayons and paper , then tell us to draw what ever comes to mind â€¦ this went on every Saturday morning and Wednesday evening for 2 hours each session â€¦after about 6 weeks of this he said we all had issues and needed extensive counseling â€¦ this after our drawings went for typical for our ages to disturbing
what he and my parents didnâ€™t know is that my oldest brother ( a year younger than me ) and myself devised a plan to get out of therapy â€¦ about 2 weeks in to this experiment , we had bribed and instructed our two younger brothers to draw naked people and draw in black and red only â€¦and we had out own drawing plans â€¦so we all sat drawing in black and red â€¦me and partner in crime drew angry people and demons all in black and red crayon , while the younger two were drawing naked people colored red â€¦looked bloody â€¦ I was in 8th grade and tired of being hurt and my parents reluctance to do anything drastic like commit my sister so the myself and my brothers could have a normal life â€¦ I had to fess up or we were all going to have to go to private sessions for being nuts â€¦ but he was not a good therapist â€¦ did nothing but add frustration to the problems we had in dealing with living with a sibling that tried regularly to kill or maim us ...learned later he had been working with vets that had returned from Vietnam with PTS syndrome and was reassigned to family counseling after complaints from some of the soldiers he was suppose to be helping
Take Two â€¦. First question the next one asked me : How do you know that you are not the one with a problem instead of Jay
Well sir , I have never tried to kill any of my little brothers (just made them draw naked people ) and I never stuck a knife in anyone â€¦ But does that make you more normal than her ?
Yes â€¦ How can you be sure you are both not operating in your own state of normal ?
â€¦ I had to think on that question for an answer that wouldnâ€™t end with my mouth being washed out or a whipping when I got home â€¦. In my hesitation he said See you donâ€™t know if you are any more normal than she is
â€¦. This man had been seeing her in a group home she had been in for about a month and I guess she had him convince she was OKâ€¦ so he figured it was the rest of us â€¦ I told him that maybe we were both in our own normal state but mine was the socially acceptable state â€¦ I got up and left his office never to return â€¦
I developed a distrust of therapists â€¦ my sister could be so normal acting when she was put in the hospital and dupe doctors in to believing she was fine â€¦ it was the rest of the world that had a problem â€¦it was the fault of her siblings that she acted like she did â€¦ then she would come out and terrorize us â€¦ if we defended our selves we were in trouble because if you fought her, her behavior escalated and police had to be called in â€¦and that embarrassed my parents â€¦
Last one they assigned us was a good man â€¦ he listened â€¦and especially listened to my mom when she said Jay had never been normal since early childhood â€¦ (what 2 Â½ year old tries to get rid of their sister by killing her
) and she told him that she thought that her worse behavior was tied to her cycle ( this was in the days where PMS was not a house hold thing and not as understood) he did blood work , after blood work â€¦ did it at several points in her cycle , 2 or 3 months in a row and came up with a plan â€¦her male hormones skyrocketed when she cycled and she got aggressive and dangerous â€¦ even when she was at her good she could be mean â€¦ but at that time of the month look out â€¦ with hormone therapy to keep her levels from going up and down so drastically , tranquilizers to keep her calm and alot of talk therapy things were better â€¦he helped us all where the others caused additional damage â€¦
Long story short â€¦ there are good and bad therapist â€¦ have seen both
Watch your child and follow your instincts â€¦ and if you do decide to do any therapy donâ€™t be afraid to fire one and find another until you find one that is good for your daughter and what she has going on â€¦ and is also good for your family â€¦