Author Topic: Jokes-good for you  (Read 16370 times)

ppearl214

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2006, 02:01:36 pm »
Raydean!

OMG!  You owe me a new computer monitor! LOL!!!!!!!!

xo
Phyl
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Battyp

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2006, 07:01:00 pm »
Thanks for sharing Raydean... 

Gennysmom

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2006, 08:44:45 pm »
Taa daa!!! Raydean comes out of her shell and shows her true colors.  Most hysterical!!  Way to go!!!  Everyone at work thought I had totally lost it and someone made mention that I sounded like the Count from Sesame Street....ah ha ha!!!

"More, more, more....how do you like it, how do you like it....more, more, more"

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Raydean

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2006, 06:17:26 pm »
new monitor huh, must be from that diet coke build up!!! 
Here's another one

CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives,  whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces,  nephews,   or students...  here is something to
make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,  you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,  God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was  "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."  God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "

God replied,wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.   (continued below)

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a
piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
    talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
    what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
    there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.  (continued below)

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"  AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Quick, send this and make 10 people laugh
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Raydean

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2006, 06:23:46 pm »
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm 
                 thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
                windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
                software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use
     to write proposals and track expenses and run my
     business.  What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
       just  say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a
       proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start
    with some straight answers. What about financial
    bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
                much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Raydean

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2006, 06:31:39 pm »
20 puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
 
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
 
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
 
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
 
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
 
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?? A fsh.
 
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to  his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 
 
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope  that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Raydean

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #21 on: March 30, 2006, 06:35:01 pm »
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock k you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you 're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
" When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

RadiantStar

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2006, 08:07:40 pm »
AAAAAAAAAAAaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I be a joke pirate


To all my dearest friends, I need some help. 

My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them.  I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3.  I can't take one because I am allergic, but if three of you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home.   

Since he lives by the Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you.  I've attached pictures of the last 3 kittens.
Will you help?
 

 
   
  DDDDDaaaaaaaaaaaaaarnnnn why didn't ya' tell me the pictures wouldn't print????



DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDdddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn







 
  i am really allergic...and that's the truth!
« Last Edit: March 30, 2006, 08:09:40 pm by RadiantStar »

RadiantStar

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2006, 08:10:36 pm »
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrraaaaaaaaaaaap

Battyp

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2006, 08:12:19 pm »
We can't see the kittens...hmmm..guess your'e gonna be stuck with them ALL 

Captain Deb

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2006, 08:14:42 pm »
Star--email me the joke--I'll share it around!
Message me and I'll give you my email!
Capt Deb
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Larry

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #26 on: March 31, 2006, 06:54:30 am »
Star,

Another closet wench - ye be in deep doo doo now - refer to upcoming good morning thread.
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Nov 2005. Watch and wait until 2010 when I had radiotherapy. 20% shrinkage and no change since - You beauty
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Raydean

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #27 on: April 01, 2006, 04:41:17 pm »
A Few Days Off

A few days off......... I desperately needed a few, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her " ...and where do you think you're going?"


She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Captain Deb

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2006, 11:29:51 am »
 
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.  You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "power-wash and rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Sincerely,
The Dog


 

 

 

 



 

 

 







 

 

 

 



"You only have two choices, having fun or freaking out"-Jimmy Buffett
50-ish with a 1x.7x.8cm.AN
Mid-fossa HEI, Jan 03 Friedman & Hitselberger
Chronic post-op headaches
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Battyp

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Re: Jokes-good for you
« Reply #29 on: April 04, 2006, 11:05:52 pm »
Capt Deb are you trying to tell us you're not a cat person?  lol

 


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