Dealing with people first seeing your face

[stoneaxe]

I'm in the same boat.  Other than the fact that my eye is an issue for surfing I could care less though. The people that I care about don't give a damn what my face looks like. It may have been a surprise for them but they've gotten over it. I'm still the same person. I caught a little girl staring at my face the other day when Sue and I went shopping. I winked at her and gave her my single-sided smile....she smiled back. If anyone cares about how I look (negatively) ...I say to heck with them. If I let others opinions of my looks effect me its me that has a problem.

[cecile k]

Hugs, Darlene.

We have an elderly gentleman in our church who has total one sided facial paralysis. He is an amazing person - great sense of humor and is able to ignore any stares. When I was told that there was a chance I would be left with facial paralysis, I would think of him and his attitude to life. You WILL get through this...walk with your head held high and care not a whit about people's rudeness. Look at it as their problem, not yours.

Cecile

[moe]

Darlene,
Great posts from the others, and ditto ditto ditto!
It becomes more of a norm after a while. Those first couple of weeks/months are very awkward for sure. I too felt like hiding. That is the normal response!
It's called coping!
Hopefully you have seen some facial  improvement already

I too felt this need to explain to people why my face was droopy and my eye was half stitched shut (facial nerve cut) after seeing people I knew after the surgery.
They were like "Oh you look great!"  huh?
I guess, I still had the same personality and I smiled with my eye, and I was alive and being myself.
Keep truckn
Maureen
p.s.- 3 years post op brain surgery,  and I go next week for my 12/7 surgery follow up (18 month follow up) , with hopefully plans for the next phase of my facial drama. I'll get to start a new topic!

[Darlene]

Just wanted to update, it has been almost 7 weeks and most of the time I totally forget about my face.  I totally understand now how your own positive attitude has a great impact on how others view your difference.   Since my original post, I have been out an about and other than some curious questions (everyone wants to know how you know you had a brain tumor, guess they are worried about it for themselves) and well wishes, my facial paralysis has not been a big thing.  I went back to work and aside from slurring my words and my eye sometimes dripping from the drops it really has been a non issue. 

To show how far I've come, the other day I saw an advertisement for a job that I thought I might want and without giving it another thought, called, sent my resume and got an interview.  Of course as I got ready for the interview, I remembered my face and began to panic, even to the extent that I thought of calling and canceling.  Well, I got tough and went and it was a great interview.  I briefly explained I had, had surgery and my facial nerve was nicked and that I was waiting for it to recover.  I was basically offered the job, but I have decided to turn it down ( too much office politics, that would make me unhappy)  This AN has changed my perspective and despite it being a great opportunity, I don't want to waste my time in a negative environment.  Thanks for all your words of wisdom, it really helps to get another viewpoint and to learn from others experience,   Take care, Darlene

[Kaybo]

Darlene~
Glad things are going well for you!!   

K

[moe]

Congrats on getting over another little hurdle, Darlene!

One thing I learned when applying for a job here in WA after we got settled was that there is no need to disclose personal health info. With my first job interview (home health nurse), I felt compelled to explain what happened to me. They didn't hire me.  ( I didn't like the interview anyways , or how they ran things). Don't know if  it was discriminatory or if I was overly qualified for what they were looking for. I have tons of home health experience and was floored when they sent me an email saying someone else got the position!

So with the second place, I didn't mention a thing. I was hired, and like this company so much better, anyway. I still am so conscious of my facial paralysis. I look like I have Bells Palsy, which is what people think.
Now that I work there, they know the gorey details!

Glad to see you are progressing
Maureen

[Jim Scott]

Darlene ~

Kudos to you for your fortitude and determination not to allow your fears or misgivings to conquer you!  The successful job interview should cement your realization that your temporary facial paralysis is not a barrier to living a full, productive life because it does not define you.  Now that you've come to understand this, you should continue to have better days.  Well done! 

Jim

[Migoi]

A little late to the game but....

Darlene, it looks like from your later posts that you are doing a fantastic job at adapting to your situation, be it ever improving.

I count myself fortunate in that I had plenty of practice with people staring at me for pretty much my adult life. When we lived in Korea, I stood out a lot. I'm about 5 to 6 inches taller than the average Korean guy and about 50 to 80 pounds heavier. While I don't usually think of myself as being gigantic but certainly felt so when walking down the street. Couple this with the fact that very few Korean men have beards and those that do are usually pretty old and it wasn't just my imagination that a LOT of people stared at me.

The other aspect of this extra attention was that small children and even some adult women, would come up to me and touch my beard. Since I have a very American sense of personal space in public spaces (big ole 3 foot circle around me please), this was a bit unsettling at first. I know they were not meaning to be rude and there was absolutely nothing negative or menacing in their actions and after a short time I got used to it. I really was a pretty unique sight moving through their presence, unique enough to provoke reactions. The usual reaction from the Korean men was to show me more deference than I was usually due. Respect for age is still a very huge part of their culture and since only old men grew beards most assumed (at least the ones I asked) that I was much older and therefore was due more respect. Not that I ever took advantage of this misconception.

I also seem to attract quite a bit of attention each year starting about Thanksgiving or so, especially if I happen to wear red garments. I will see small children tugging on their parents and can hear them ask, "Is that Santa Claus?" Like was suggested above, I have a canned spiel to offer during these times. I usually say, "Actually, I'm Santa's younger brother, but I tell him everything I see. I'm glad you're being good for your Mom (or Dad) today." That usually results in lots of grateful smiles from the parent.

When my face was in full side paralysis, I suppose that some folks stared at me, but I didn't really notice much of an increase...as I said, folks been staring at me my whole adult life. Only occasionally, while wearing the eye patch, did I ever let out a menacing "Arrrrgh, matey!" if I caught someone staring.

..take care.. tim b

[Darlene]

Thanks everyone!  I went to therapist yesterday and he made me feel very hopeful.  He believed I would make a full recovery!  With the start of the school year, I am meeting a lot of people and it still makes me uncomfortable to talk when I am slurring words but overall I am doing my best to just move forward and continue to be grateful for all that I have. 

Tim,
 I loved your Santa reply!!  You are one impressive person, I am always in awe of people who make the best of any situation.  I have a resilient personality but I am not so quick on the uptake.

Thanks,
Darlene