Boy! Where do I start with this one?
To begin, I'm 51. I've been a musician all of my life and have made a living playing music. I was at one time in the electronics industry (hi-tech). I had always worked a day job and moonlighted by playing music at night and on weekends. After I got laid-off in the '90s, I was forced to further develop my skills as a musician. This worked out well as it eventually grew into a full time job. In the midst of all this activity in musicâ€â€which is very grueling and often thankless hard workâ€â€I began to get increasingly ill with the A.N.. Not having health insurance, I continued working (never missing a gig) until I could barely even walk anymore, crawling into a hospital, physically impaired and sick with fear, seeking free care.
Having emerged from this dilemma (half-deaf of course and with other problems) I had no choice but to continue abusing myself by going back to what I was doing before I got sick. Not only am I half-deaf but my left hand has been impaired from brain compression caused by the enormous tumor. I can still play but because I'm a bass guitarist and bass is more of a rhythmic instrument, most of I do comes from the right, or picking hand. Yet, it still hurts my left hand. Not only that, my good ear is being subjected to dangerous volume levels. I wear an earplug. I'm in good physical condition from the neck down. From the neck up though, I'm a wreck. I'm also afflicted with constant double vision. Driving at night has become almost maddening with disorientation caused by the glare from headlights. I've noticed that I get lost easily if I'm not familiar with where I'm going.
While I really shouldn't be doing this, I'm in a position where I am being forced to build my schedule back up to the level it was at before I became ill with the A.N.. Not only is it extremely difficult in this economy, my heart just isn't in it any longer. I never thought I'd see the day when the empty drudgery of some stupid forty hour a week job would seem more appealing than doing what I supposedly loved to do for a living.
The bottom line is that I'm tired of the whole business. I'm 51, not 25. I don't like anything or most anyone that is associated with it either. Not only has it become especially hazardous to someone in my situation for ear-related reasons but it is no environment that you'd want to find yourself stuck in if you're a person with clean living habits. It's become a veritable nightmare for me. I can still hear well out of my right ear and I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible.
So, one would naturally think, "then just get another regular day job". HA!! In this economy? Easier said than done. Not only does a person need to have a certain skill set, but they need friends in the right places.
That leaves SSD! perhaps? Sure, I have some impairments from what I went through but I'm not really in bad shape. I'm probably healthier than 75% of the people walking around on the street. I genuinely take care of myself and always have. The other concern is that while I'm in decent physical condition, I am, after all, 51 years old. I'm tired, disillusioned, bitter and pissed-off that the few things that I was really good at (music and art) have been unceremoniously robbed from me. What am I supposed to do, beck and grovel for some Government funding so that I can go back to school to earn a certificate of some kind so that I can while my remaining years away in miserable servitude doing something I was never interested in doing to begin with? I think not.
As far as my equilibrium is concerned, yes it was been impaired. The good news is that is has gotten much better over time. I noticed the other night that I walked upstairs in the dark holding a full cup of coffee without grabbing the banister and didn't spill a drop! There's something to be said for that!
I know this may come across as "negative" but for me it is in fact the opposite. Constructive ranting has become a saving grace for me.
