just sharing my emotional state this evening

[ayse81]

  Disclaimer:  This  involves a young woman with some self pity and me finally facing my emotional pain and going through it rather than avoiding it.
It is 8 months after my initial surgery.  I think today is the lowest day that I have had throughout this whole process.  I cannot help that I got an acoustic neuroma.  I get that it was large and had to be removed.  I have had a mostly positive mindset throughout my recovery.  Lately I have unfortunately had more of a negative mindset which will be short lived because I am on the verge of finding my way through my current mental roadblock.

I find myself thinking about the past and the way that I used to look and feel about myself. 
Man has my self confidence taken a huge hit.  I understand that at this moment I am feeling self pity.  That is a weak feeling.  I will not feel that way for much longer because it will destroy me.

Much more often than not I love to be forward thinking because it gives me so much hope that I will one day look and feel the way that makes me happy.  I see myself as better than I ever used to be.  I visualize my future and it is bright. 
I will achieve a higher quality of life than ever before. 
I am grateful to have come out on the other side of this thing because not everyone does.  I have a hard time trying to keep from comparing my life to the best lives.  Seldom I find myself being thankful because it could have been worse. 
That is something that does not bring me much joy because I do not like comparing my life to the worst lives.
I am really excited about my future.  lol honestly I am despite me being in a mild temporary state of emotional turmoil.  I see a different life for my future in the way that I look, think, and feel about things and people and it is even better than before.

It feels good to unload some of this on to a site where some people can understand.
Thanks for reading.

[Mimispree]

Hi:

You are a few months down-the-line from me, but I could relate so much with what you wrote.  I feel exactly the same way. 

Self-pity is the worse, because were to understand there are always people worse-off than us, so we don't have the right to feel sorry for ourselves.  I also believe I have a bright future ahead, but I don't even know who I am anymore, so it's hard to look ahead with confidence.

I tried to email you, but I a message comes up to try again later.  If you'd like to email me, send me a PM with your email.  I think we are in a very similar place.  My tumor was the same size but on the right too.  Crazy. 

Thank you and keep on keepin' on!

Michelle

Note:  I removed your email address for privacy concerns, Michelle.  You can private message her your address through the little bubble to the left of her comment.  Clarice

[LakeErie]

ayse - I read your 4 posts and didn't find why you underwent two 15 hour surgeries. Then you had to deal with infections as well, which compounds what your body went through. And now you have to deal with the complications of your surgery. That is a lot to go through in a relatively short time. There are times when you are entitled to feel sorry for yourself while you are recovering, and given what you have been through, you are still recovering. Every AN recovery is different and we need to remember that we only recover as fast as our bodies and brains let us, but improvement does happen over time. We also tend to underestimate our ability to compensate for those things that don't improve. What I am trying to say is that things will get better even if not exactly like before your surgery. Try to take things a day at a time, don't think about next month or next year. You have enough to deal with each day as it is.
If I can ask, where was your surgery done? And can you amplify a little on the need for two surgeries? Good luck
 

[ayse81]

I appreciate the replies.  Thank you.
I had two 15 hour craniotomies.
The first one was done to debulk about 60 percent of the tumor so that the remainder would collapse.  That did not happen.  The tumor was very hard.
My surgeon did a second craniotomy to remove as much as possible.
The 5 percent that he left is attached to my brainstem.
My brainstem was majorly pushed aside but now looks back to normal.
I am feeling great now.
Of Corse I am sure that my concern that tumor may possibly regrow one day is normal. 
The future mris will hopefully alleviate some of that.
April will be 12 months after my final surgery.
I will most likely get another mri in feb or march because I would like to put my curiousity about what is going on in there if anything to rest.
I