Denise,
I apologize for being late in chiming in on this thread, as I was in treatment last week and am trying to catch up on all here. Anything other than what others have shared here will be senseless, but know that I chime in with the love and support you so need at this time.  I have also learned that venting is great... actually, manditory, in handling all stresses in our lives. Nothing I could say right now can help with the anquish you are feeling but I can share this.... that I thank the lord each day that I awake with a lung full of breath, just as you do. I thank the lord that I am loved, just as you are loved. I thank the lord that it's truly ok to feel this way, just as you do. I thank the lord for the wonderful folks here on this site that encourage us to hang tough, gives us huggles (sorry batty!) when needed, listen, console and truly extend open arms when we need them.
Know that I do walk with you, as we all do. Know that we remain here to support you if you need us.. or even if you don't.... but know that we are all part of your family and family is thicker than anything... we are the one's that truly do understand.
Please hang in there.. and know that I'm sending wishes and thoughts your way that tomorrow will be a brighter one.
xoxox
Phyl