REALLY need positive thoughts ......

[Denisex2boys]

Ok ..... firstly, once again I would like to apologize for not frequenting this site more .... but in reality after living with the 'blob' for over a year and not really knowing when I would be called for surgery - - I just thought outta site outta mind ..... and then BOOM I am given a date - - Oct. 16th ..... I knew long ago I wanted this thing gone but was not prepared for this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness (sp) I am feeling ..... I am a blubbering idiot and seem to cry at the drop of a hat.  I am trying not to for the sake of my boy's and hubby ... Brendan is 8 and Mitchell will be 5 on Halloween.

I went to the school today and met with the teachers .....  Mitchell's teacher was already aware of the AN as I talked to her in April when I had the pre-op (and he has her this year for his SK program) - Brendan's teacher was not aware of it and quite surprised that I was so calm this past year - she had no idea (I sit on School Council with her) as well as participate in many other school activities ... anyway I started blubbering this morning when I was telling her about it and she took me in her arms and told me not to be embarrassed and let it out .... she is one terrific lady .... I mentioned to her that Brendan was aware of the tumor and that it was ok for her to talk to him about it if he needed support - - she did mention it to him and told him she was ther for him and not to be scared 'that mommy would be ok' .... I just tucked him into bed and he started crying and said he was scared for me ..... he told me I would be ok and I held back the tears (for his sake) - I KNOW I will be ok but I cannot stand this anxious feeling that I am having .... is this normal?  I cannot stand the thought of being away from them and thinking what they may be feeling - even though both sets of grandparents will be here for them while I am in the hospital.

I think I would have faired better with 'be here tomorrow' - - I am working until Tuesday and taking a 'mental health day' on Wednesday - (to prepare the house for my parents and ready myself for Thursday).

I am just hopeful that these are normal feelings and will not impact me the day of surgery.  I am strong in my decision and have faith in my Surgeons .... but the closer it gets the more nervous I get .......

Thank you all ... and "HAPPY THANKSGIVING" to my fellow Canucks!  We are heading up to our trailer this weekend to close it for the season - the weather is supposed to be unseasonably WARM!

((((HUGS)))) to all experiencing upcoming surgeries, recovering AN patients and all the FRIENDS I have met here!

[msmaggie]

Hey Denise,

My kids are 26 and 29...and they are also anxious  about me.  I wish for you peace and strength as you get ready for this.  All will be well!!  You will be ready and your family will be there to support you.  My time is coming and I can appreciate all your anxieties.  It will help me to understand my own feelings when my time comes.  Be strong!

Sending you hugs and good wishes,
Mags

[MAlegant]

My son was home from college this summer when I had my surgery. At 20 years-old, he was quite a trooper and was the glue that held all of us together, but he had his moments of breaking down.  We're their parents, they love us, it's all natural.

It's normal to be nervous, but also try some positive visualization--it helped me quite a bit.  The week or so before my surgery one of my doctors prescribed Xanax for me and that allowed me to eat (I wasn't) and function relatively well.

Wishing you all the best,
Marci

[sgerrard]

Hi Denise,

There is no way you are supposed to think that having brain surgery is an ordinary thing; it is very natural to be anxious about it. You will be fine after surgery - well not the first day, but a few days later - and you will be home with your family soon after. You may have one or another of the various symptoms and issues that people get, but you will absolutely be back with your family, and spending many more happy years with Brendan and Mitchell.

If you can, try to mentally sit back and let the whole process unfold on its own. We will be rooting for you all the way through.

Steve

[leapyrtwins]

Denise -

no need to apologize for not being "here" more frequently.  We definitely missed you, but we also realize you have a life, too    It's good to see you back.

Worrying about your surgery and about your boys is perfectly normal.  And, it's normal that they will worry about you - you're their mom and they love you.

I don't know how things work in Canada, but my children were able to visit me in the hospital a day or two post op.  With the exception of the huge white mastoid bandage I was sporting on my head, I looked quite normal and if I hadn't I truthfully don't think they would have noticed a bit; they were just very glad to see me.

Making their teachers aware of your impending surgery was a very good idea.  My children attended school the day I had surgery and my son was really worried; his teacher helped him work through it since she was aware of the situation.  You'll be okay.  You're boys will be okay.  Their grandparents and your husband will take good care of them while you are recovering and things will work out just fine. 

Hang in there and try to relax.  We're here for you.

Jan

[Jim Scott]

Denise:

Although I wish we could just wave your anxiety away, it's based on reality, mostly a fear of the unknown, which frightens all of us to some degree, no matter how brave we think we are.  You have every right to be stressed and worried but of course, that helps no one.  Not you, your husband and certainly not your children, who, despite your best attempts, obviously sense that you're upset and worried and they naturally pick up on those vibes and become frightened, too.  After all, as children, parents are our whole world and when 'mommy' is threatened by a scheduled operation, the kids are doubly frightened.  Children's brave attempts to reassure a worried parent are heartbreakingly poignant and remind us of why we have to get control of our emotions, trust our doctors, rely on our spouse and friends and for the spiritual/religious, pray and trust God to get us through this.

You clearly weren't emotionally prepared for this surgery and the sudden scheduling has thrown you off balance.  I can sympathize because I went from MRI to surgery in less than two weeks.  Not an easy adjustment to make.  You've had the surgery lurking in the back of your mind, like a predator, and now the predator (surgery) is upon you and you're a bit overwhelmed.  It's difficult and no amount of reassurance is going to make it easy.  That's up to you.  You know you have to do this (surgery) and you'll have to draw on your inner strength and those around you who want to support you.  It's imperative that your children not be drawn into your fears and become that much more frightened, which is not good, to put it politely.  The best way to accomplish that is to surmount those fears within yourself.  You'll want to banish the anxiety in whatever way works best for you.  The 16th will be here soon and you'll want to be ready, mentally and physically.  You've done well with preparing your children's teachers so you do have a grip on the realities of the situation, Denise.  Keep up that kind of practical approach and you'll get through this. 

Meanwhile, a good cry, away from the children of course, can do wonders to alleviate stress.  Don't think you aren't entitled to cry or be fearful, because you are.  However, at some point, fear and anxiety have to be pushed aside for everyone's benefit, including yours.  I think you'll be able to do that and you know your friends here are behind you 100%.  Please use us as a resource, venting place, whatever you need.  Lots of folks you've never met feel they know you and they care about you.  Try to stay strong with that knowledge as well as for you and your family and you'll be O.K. 

Jim

[andrea in slc]

Denise-

~~~~~~~~~~~ There, did you feel those positive vibes? Sending them your way big time!

I think what you are feeling is perfectly, totally normal! Heck, I don't have my surgery scheduled yet, and I am nervous too just thinking about it.  You will do fine, really, you will.  Come here to vent, it does help (I already did, LOL) and then you can be stronger around your family, and for yourself too. It is so sweet that your sons are trying to reassure you as well as themselves.  It can be very scary for them, but I think you are doing the right thing in preparing the teachers, and them, for what is to come.

Hang in there, vent, cry, scream, HERE. Then take a deep breath, reach down inside yourself, and feel the calm and the strength that you have. I can't imagine waiting as long as you have for a surgery date, you are one strong person! Take things one day at a time. You can do this! Oh, and don't forget to check out the "What to bring to the hospital" thread.

(((Hugs))) and ~~~~~~~~ positive thoughts coming your way again!

Andrea

[Denisex2boys]

Thank you everyone for the kind heartfelt words - - they do help and I know I will be OK ..... I did have a good cry last night when I went to bed and it was just the icing on the cake of this whole surgery thing ........ I was brushing my teeth before bed and a HUGE chunk of one of my front teeth broke off - - Oh my - - I just broke into tears and my hubby wondered what the fuss was all about .... I had a VERY sleepless night - thinking more about the gap in my mouth - I left an emergency message at my Dentists office and they were able to get me in - he was able to 'patch it' and I had a nice little high with the nitrous.

Anyway ..... I told him (I have been putting this off for years) - that when I am all recovered from this AN thing I am going to get crowns/veneers on my front teeth for my 45th birthday . . I have not been confident about my smile in years and I figured they would go along with my new HEAD!

Thank you everyone - - I don't mean to sound so 'cry-baby' but I never in my wildest dreams new so many people would step up to help support me, Dan and the kids through this ......

((((HUGS))))

[wendysig]

Denise,
I agree with everyone that your feelings are very normal.  I can't imagine that anyone facing this surgery wouldn't cry.  By the day of my surgery I elt a strange sense of calmness and I hope this happens for you  but if it doesn't that's normal too.   Everyone has their own "norml reaction" to surgery and there is nothing to be embarrassed about.  Just remember, you will get through this!  I am crossing my fingers, toes, arms and legs for you -- never could cross my eyes.   I'm sending positive vibes your way and you can be sure you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Wishing you only good things,
Wendy

[Nancy Drew]

Hi Denise,

I wish the best for you as you go through this period of anxiety.  Everyone here says such appropriate and inspiring things, and I can only say "ditto" to all of the above.  I had my feet knocked out from under me recently so I can kind of relate to the anxiety issue.  Although I am not having surgery, I was scheduled to have GK on Oct. 7th.  At my pre-op on Oct. 2nd, I was informed that my GK was actually scheduled for Oct. 21st.  I think I was "bumped" and everyone was informed but me.  I have cried, denied my feelings and cried some more.  Like you, I am strong in my decision and have faith in my doctors, but it sure would help if it was "tomorrow" already.  Kids are pretty tough, and it sounds like you have a good support system to back you up.  Best wishes.

Nancy 

[krbonner]

Hi, Denise,

As all the others have said, it sounds like your worries and anxieties are pretty normal for facing a major surgery like this.  My boys were 1 and 4 when I had surgery, so they weren't really aware of the significance.  But I sure as heck worried about them!  Even though I knew they'd be in excellent care with my husband and all the grandparents.

The first few weeks were rough but now, 2 years later, life continues just as it did before.  (((hugs)))

Katie

[pwatts]

 relax and take it lightly, realize its just temporary, my wife and i took it lightly and took it for what it was . dont make more of it than what it is . I know the fear of the unknown will make you think the worst , but you will recover if you want to , ya just gotta move on afterwards... sorry my spelling and punctuation are brutal

[elderbirds]

Denise,
Everything you are feeling is quite normal.  I cried everyday from the diagnosis until the day before surgery. I even wrote the boys and my husband "goodbye letters" ...just incase. Then I went to get my pedicure and my son's baseball practice.  i too felt an overwhelming sense of calmness the day of surgery.  My boys (9 & 7) were amazing.  they just wanted to know who was getting them to their soccer games, and if grandma knew how to make PB&J for lunch.  I talked to them on the phone 1 day post-op, and they were wonderful when I came home.  Toys cleaned up and no fighting for two weeks!  (something good had to come of this).  You will be fine, as will your boys and husband.  best wishes for a quick surgery and easy recovery.  My thoughts are with you. 
Hope

[justsimplyrhonda]

I hope you are doing ok ....I will be praying for you