My Family just doesn't get it.......

[Melissa778]

So I'll start by saying that I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother-in-law or sister-in-law....

I have told everyone about my surgery in 30 days...eeekk....yep, t-minus 30 days and counting, and I need to set up a shcedule with my sister-in-law for her to help with my kids.....my MIL and SIL are now asking why on earth am I having this done, why didn't I choose radiation, have I seen enough doctors....blah, blah, blah.....To most this would seem as if it was just curiosity and concern....not with these women....Its' accusatory.  It's as if they think I just woke up one day and decided to have some brain surgery, as if I'm making more of this thing than what it is.  Its' so incredibly frustrating and I'm at my boiling point.  I really would love to tell them off, but 30 days prior to surgery knowing I'lll be needing there help with my kdis isn;t exactly the most opportune time to speak my mind.  AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

Has anyoen else experienced this kind of "resistance" from people when you told them of your decision?

Melissa.....rolling on floor, kicking, screaming, and crying...yes a full blown temper tantrum.   

[Pembo]

On the day of my surgery my kindergartener had a field trip to a local park and parents were invited. My parents could not go as they were watching my youngest. I asked my sil, it's her day off. She said NO, she had to set up for her garage sale.     My high school age niece (not the sil's daughter) and her boyfriend went. It was an early release day for them.

[Mary 117]

Daydreamer,
Ouch! It is amazing how truly selfish some people can be. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I had lots of support, except from my own mother. 2 days after surgery, she called me at the hospital (I was in LA and home is in Montana) and she told me how many pain pills she had to take because cleaning my house was so much work. I could hardly lift my head at the time. Urgh. Then my birthday was about 2 weeks after surgery. I had returned home and she brought over a cake and dinner for me and the kids (I do the single mom thing). When I got up the next morning, I realized that she had taken all the left-overs, including the salad my kids made with the stuff in my frig, and even my birthday cake home with her. That was her only attempt at helping. Even my kids were amazed at her behavior. I've never figured it out. I think some people want the attention on themselves and are jeolous when it isn't, it seems sick, I know, but thats what I think.

I guess I just tried to not let it get to me and focused on all the truly good people that were around and helping. Adversity certainly reveals the good and the bad in people.

Good luck and know that there many people wishing you the best!
Mary

[Jim Scott]

Hi, Melissa:

The opening words in your post probably explain most of the problem. 

That less-than-great relationship with your mother and sister-in-law you mentioned indicates that they probably have little interest in doing you the favor of watching your children while you're in the hospital.  It's likely an imposition on their normal schedule.  Because you're not ' close', they're complaining about it - but using the cover of asking why you didn't have radiation, etc.  Of course, minus the hospitalization, they wouldn't be asked for child care assistance so their questioning of your decision is another way of saying "why didn't you do what would be more convenient for us?".  Ouch. 

Unfortunately, this blatantly self-centered attitude is all-too common, even within families.  Sometimes, relatives, especially in-laws, are the least sympathetic to your needs.   Still, as you noted, you will need their help.  I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here as I don't know your personal situation, but it might help if your husband could try to explain to them (they are his family) that this is serious surgery and that you need to know your children are in safe hands.  This is asking for a little sympathy for your situation but also flatters them, to some extent.   If possible, he needs to step up here to help make this situation go smoother and spare you the stress of dealing with the recalcitrant in-laws during a time of need.  Remind him that you're having brain surgery within a month and you could sure use some help.  In-laws attempting to make you feel guilty for having necessary surgery (that no one looks forward to) because they really don't want to watch your kids, does not qualify as 'help'.

Again, Melissa, I'm unaware of any family dynamics that might make this suggestion moot or somehow inapplicable to your situation but it was the first thing that sprung to mind when I read your post.  I trust it'll be of some help and, if not, I'm sure others will come forth with other, possibly more useful advice.  Meanwhile, know that you'll be in our prayers and that we hope this unpleasant situation will be resolved long before your surgery date.  Try to stay calm and strong...for you and your family...and you'll do fine. 

Jim

[nancyann]

Well, we don't get to pick our family OR our in-laws.     Is it possible your husband can speak to them since it's his side of the family ?

Or can he take off at least 2 weeks under the FMLA ?

We're all rooting for you.   Keep a peaceful heart through all this mess....       Nancy

[LADavid]

Hi Melissa
I'm with Jim.  Maybe your husband needs to get involved.  At some point over the next 30 days, someone has to take your responsibilities from you.  There are pamphlets that HEI gave me prior to surgery to provide to family members.  It detailed the complexity of an AN and what family members needed to do to help.  With that said, I unfortunately know your situation.  Not currently -- but in the past.

As far as others accusing me of being a burden and second-guessing the surgery, that came after the surgery.  I still have people criticizing my choice of House.  They tell me that they have a wonderful ENT who would have done a better job.  And there are those who tell me because of my longer recovery that the doctors really messed me up.  It's always fun to hear stuff like that

Check into what you can find as far as pamphlets.  Maybe the ANA has something that you can share with them.  Like I said -- I know exactly what you are dealing with -- it's a shot.  And have a serious talk with your husband.

Good luck
David

[Debbi]

I agree with the suggestion to ask your hubby for help.  And, if at all possible, limit your exposure to "toxic" people.  When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer over 10 years ago, it amazed me that some people found it necessary to tell me about everyone they know who hadn't survived!  They aren't in my life anymore.  And, btw, my mom is healthy and beautiful today - with one third of her lung gone - she's MY hero!

Hang in there Melissa - and get those who support you at your side!

Sending good thoughts your way.

Debbi

[leapyrtwins]

Melissa -

as others have said, I'd ask your husband to talk to his family.  And as Jim suggested, flattery might go a long way.  Maybe if you tell your mother-in-law and sister-in-law that you don't feel comfortable leaving your children "with just anyone" during this stressful time and that you "really need their help", they would understand the importance of their involvement.  I'd stress that the children need their support. 

Another suggestion would be to ask friends, neighbors, coworkers, or anyone else you feel comfortable leaving your children with to help out.  I know that's not always a possibility, but in my experience those who truly cared about me and my children were more than willing to help me during my hospitalization and recovery time at home. 

It's unfortunate that you have toxic people in your life, but sometimes you can't avoid it.  I think we've all been there; I know I have 

I only wish I lived around you; I'd be more than willing to watch your children or do anything else I could to help out.

Jan   

[Kaybo]

Melissa~
I'm so sorry for their crummy attitudes...it is not you have enought to have to think about right now!  I know I am VERY blessed to have wonderful in-laws (they still get their say in at times, believe me) -- they are VERY supportive -- especially when it comes to health issues or needing help.  Try to flatter them & I agree with Jan (seems like I do that a LOT), seek out others that can help if they are unwilling.  I wish I was there to help you too!

K 

[ppearl214]

Melissa,

I wish I had an answer for everytime someone cops an attitude with us....  I did a post here (now in the "Archives" forum) about when folks disappear from our lives and trying to understand the human nature to certain behaviors.  For the most part, I  have somewhat given up on trying to figure it all out... but remain diligent in not letting others attitudes interfere with me doing what is best for me.... they have no say so... It's my say-so.  You will know what is best for you and you have some fabulous suggestions here already made by a terrific bunch of folks   *takes bribe money behind back from the forumites on this site*.....

Hang in there..... For me, all I can do it give you huggles and shoulder of support..... as you will know what is best for you to handle this situation.

Phyl

[george3933]

I am in line with so many of these suggestions.

First of all it is OK for you to feel you need help.  Then there needs to be some form in place to get this information in a non threatening way to your family members . . . husband, pamphlets, web sites, whatever.  I would say the earlier the better.  Your body will need to heal.  It will be best if you are at peace with how things are covered and how it is being received by those helping you.  You are in need.  Sometimes the best way is to show it in a vulnerable, open way.  Without judgement.  A simple, innocent, open ask from you to them.

I don't know.  Just my thoughts.

George

[Palace]

Hello Melissa/Daydreamer,


Play it "cool" and you will get farther that way.  I know it's difficult however it will pay off for you later.  Yes, you'll be needing help.

My MIL has Alzheimer's Disease and doesn't even know who I am, my FIL laughed at me just the other day about having a brain tumor.  A neighbor laughed at me.

This is a difficult time for us for the rest of our lives however, we are all the more "special" and "tough" for it.  I have the Family Village here to thank for being there for me when friends and family fail.  My parents left this earth the same night, many years ago so, they are spared my AN data.

We are all here for you and many will be able to help you better than I. 

Thank goodness, I had no resistance to my decision as, it was only my husband and dogs at the time of my sorting through the data for answers.



My best wishes,



Palace

[Suzy]

Absolutely been there......with my sisters in law too!  It's terribly hard making your decision and then once you do, instead of getting the support you need, you begin to question yourself when people start asking why you didn't choose radiation.  My advise is to tell them that you want this over and then to get on with your life.  Radiation might be fine for some people but you want to know the tumor is gone and in 30 days it will be!  It's a personal decision and remember it's your choice.  I am a big baby when it comes to surgery but I chose surgery and am glad I did.  I didn't want to lie in bed wondering if radiation worked, if I had to have surgery at a later date, or if I waited could I go to sleep every night because I would be wondering if the thing was growing.  Get it out and get on with life!  Be strong and brave. 

Good Luck! 

[robynabc]

HI,

This sort of thing happens alot.  I want to preface what I am going to share with- I do believe most people care.  Here is a quote from one of my favorite movies. RIding in Cars with Boys.

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart's too big. "


I really believe this is true in most cases.  There were alot of poeple who didn't know what to do.  THey couldn't help because they didn't know how.

That being said, my ex in laws drove me crazy.  Now granted this is normal behavior for them.  Unfortunatly, people don't magically change once a problem happens but when you are under duress from something like this it just makes it worse.  My ex sister in law came down to be with my ex and me through this. I felt from the beginning something woulld happen.  I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I had to tell her alot of stuff about me because this was doublely difficult for me dealing with PTSD and this. Since she was going to spend the day with me I felt like I had to tell her.  And I do not have any family so I really didn't have anyone.  Anyway to make a long story short.  In the middle of the second day she said she didn't feel good and just took off and went home.  That was hard for us then later in the day my ex got on the phone with her for like an hour then came in to tell me the news that she has MS and has known for 6 years.  I am trying to believe that she didn't mean to do this but needless to say,  it was terrible to find something out like this in the middle of my son having brain surgery.  And I felt like she expected me to help her through this. While my son was in intensive care! It was terrible and then I felt guilty because I could not deal with it.  I felt that she should have told me before.  Especially since, 1)  I had to give her all this personal info on me the day before and 2)we needed her help so it would have been helpful to have that info and 3) I felt that she couldn't handle that she was not getting attention.  I know that is a judgement but my ex's family is like that.  The fact is people behave the way they always have before and she has done this sort of thing before.  ANd the fact is my ex had to spend all this time talking with her and give her support while my son was in intensive care.  He didn't think it was wierd.  I did.

Anyway,  I wish I had not worried about it because it is her problem not mine.  Yes,  I needed help and I let her in because I didn't have anyone else.  But let me say this.  As much as you need help,  it is important to have people that want to help because like me it could make it worse if in the middle of all this the people you depend on just don't actually help or make things worse.  The fact is, you really see who people are when something like this happens.  But once again,  It's not what people do its why are they doing it.  And as I stated with the quote, some people act that way because they don't know how to handle it and some because they are selfish and can't stand others having attention.  So,  I try not to judge.  Didn't do a good job did I?  And even now talking about this I feel bad because she does have MS.  It is just that dealiing with it at that time was not right.  And it made me look like I didn't care but I couldn't at that time.  I just could not deal with it.

But,  you cannot change your mind because others don't want to deal with your decision.  It is yours to make and don't feel guilty what ever you do.  If your husband can,  maybe he can deal with his family or maybe consider a friend instead.  Sometimes I don't think that people understand that being supportive is caring and helping someone with the decisions they make not trying to get them to do thing differently.  My ex's familiy is like that and it sucks. 

You could tell MIL and SIL that if they have a question about the method you chose they can talk to your doctor about it.  Give them the number.  That might do it.  I hope I am not being mean.  I am sure you care about them.  But really,  that might make them "get it"

Sending Sunshine. 

PS.  I cannot imagine having someone take all the leftover and the birthday cake too!  I wonder what they were thinking.  Maybe they weren't.  I would be perplexed too. 

[Melissa778]

Thanks to all for your wonderful words, support, and great suggestions!~  My husband tends to always side with "them" and tells me I'm too sensitive.  I'm not sure the fact that I am having brain surgery, and that he will take on alot more responsibilites than he has now, has fully set in with him yet.  I keep waiting....I told him yesterday "30 more days".  Hsi response was, "unitl what?"  That says it all I guess.  My mother on the other hand has been a wonderful support and is always so very helpful.  I know it will all end up working out in the end.  I wish they understood that I really don't need the added stress right now. 

I was a bit of a chicken yesterday and emailed my in-laws and expressed in a butt-kissing kind of way how I was feeling and that I needed there support and that they were welcoem to join me for my pre-op appointment if they wanted to ask the doctor any questions.  I've gotten no response from eith one of them.....not sure if that's a good or bad sign

THe cake and leftovers is my MIL to a tee.  I jsut feel liek I've been biting my tongue on alot of things and trying to kill tghem with kindness for the last 9-10 years.....what's 30 more days fo tongue biting


The frustrating thing is how most people dont' get it.  I think because I'm not down and out in bed everyday that they think it's not "serious" or "necessary".

Melissa......pulling hair out!