one of lifes lessons

[konnie]

Hi Everyone,
I SURVIVED MY FIRST WEEK BACK AT WORK AS THE NEW ME !!!!!!!!!!!!

I just need to vent...with people just like me, so please hear me out..
Pretty much all of us on this forum have recieved the news of a tragic diagnosis and how it changes ones perspective on life.

My co-workers were so happy to see me back and very helpful for i had forgotten allot of little things. not sure if it is old age or side effects from having brain surgery.  It was nice to be back in the swing of things..
 However, I could not help but notice how negative my co-workers have become. everyone was talking behind each others backs, and no one was getting along. it was like high school all over agian
I am in sales and it can be pretty competitve at times.

I guess it was always like this but it never bothered me like it does now!!!
I just want to say "HEY PEOPLE, HAVE BRAIN SURGERY AND BE TOLD YOU COULD POSSABLE DIE"
They just do not get it..
I can't say as i blame them , I too was once just like them, to easily pulled into the negitivity just fit in with everyone else.

I can only pray that i will always stay as greatful as I am today, and not ever feel the need to talk behind anyones back or be pulled into negitivity or the rings of fire again...
I have never felt so happy and content in my life as i do today. I am soooo thankful for my life and my family and friends.
I only wish i could rub this off on other people...
I guess its true one only opens thier eyes when something tragic happens close to home...
Thank you for listening..
I hope each and every one has a memerable holiday season this year with your family and friends.
Konnie

[Cheryl R]

I think we have a euphoria after surgery and can last for some time where we feel different around people and how they handle the routine everyday life.             I think I have each time after having the more than one surgery.               You do get over it in time as we do get back to more of a normal life again.   Just takes time.                I do realize that to some of that life never feels the same again but one gets more adjusted to it over time and is just there and you deal with it.                          I get "the you look good" from my former coworkers when stop to see them.           I just try to agree as they will never understand what our small ( or not so small for some) after effects do feel like.         I hate to sound like I don't agree as I am lucky to be as good as I am for what I have been thru.   
A side note,  I am one of those who thinks it is good to get out and walk. Outside, the mall,where it is hard for you.    It is hard at first but it helps in time.
                                                       Cheryl R

[wendysig]

Great words Cheryl! I love to read your posts because you have gone through so much and have an extra 'twinkle' in the wisdom depatment.

  *  I think that when we suffer and our worlds are shaken, we come away with an extra dose of many different things, What you are feeling in regard to your co- workers is that now you "love" deeper, "care" more and have a grasp on having an incredible greatful heart. And yes i do think that you will stay greatful... you have so much more to offer the world now, I'll bet that people will start coming to you, to tap into your  soft and sweet heart. Don't be at all surprised if you begin to see people watching you and wanting to confide in you. people that have been touched deeply in their lives have an ora of beauty and others do see this.
And your wish " I only wish i could rub this off on other people..." is absolutely going to happen if it hasn't already. Your spirit is already shinning forth!

Konnie -
I totally agree with Donnalynn.  I think you will remain grateful and feel that peace wthin  yourself.  At 3 1/2 months post-op I still feel that way and can't imagine this feeling will ever go away, and I certainly don't want it to.    It may not stay constantly in the forefront of my life as  it is now, but I am sure will always feel grateful t for my wonderfuly outcome, be happier with my life than I was before  and just more positive in general.  I truly feel this experience has made me a better person.  This does rub off on others to a certain degree, even if not quite as much as we would like.

Wendy

[Jim Scott]

Konnie:

First, congratulations on returning to work...always an important milestone on the road to recovery.

Your observation on the 'natural' negativity of most people is astute and not uncommon for many AN 'posties'  Having a serious medical problem, such as an acoustic neuroma, then surgery and a sometime lengthy recuperation generally changes one's outlook on life somewhat.  At least for anyone self-aware enough to notice, as you have.  In addition, being away from your normal work environment for some time, then returning, puts it - and the people you work with - in a new perspective.  Just as your own home can appear a bit 'strange-but-yet-familiar when you return from a being away from home for a long time.  I know from experience that sales environments are 'naturally' competitive.  I'm afraid your perception of your co-workers is probably quite accurate.  I think you'll adjust to that in time, part out of habit and part out of necessity.  However, going through an experience such as we have (AN) can alter your outlook to a point where returning to what was once 'normal', especially in the workplace, may no longer be a tenable situation for you.  Then again, you may be back in the swing of things within days and wonder what you ever found so off-putting about your co-workers.  Time will tell. 

Jim  

[konnie]

thank you for your responses.
I just didn't realise how ugly it made people look when they acted this way. 
it really does open ones eyes after being away for a while.
  I am going to make sure I do not slip back.  ( even if i have to print out this post and put it on my refrigerator.)
 hopefully it will rub off on everyone else.....this is gonna be a challenge but I'm up for it.
thanks again
Konnie

[leapyrtwins]

Konnie -

I can relate to feeling grateful and having a new perspective on life after my AN diagnosis and subsequent surgery.

Lots of things in my life and my attitude have changed for the better and I've found I've become a different person than I used to be.

I found it somewhat interesting though that you referred to having an AN as being "tragic". 

Maybe I'm unique here, but I never viewed my AN as being a tragedy in my life.  It was definitely shocking and frightening to be diagnosed, but as soon as I heard the word "benign" I felt a huge sense of relief.  I was never told that I "could die" though so maybe that's why I didn't see my situation as tragic.  My neurotologist always stressed to me that I would "be fine" and I believed in this - and him - 100%.

Call me corny, but I think God gave me an AN for lots of reasons - some of which I'm just beginning to understand.  In my case, there was nothing tragic about my AN journey and I thank my lucky stars - and God - each and every day.

Congratulations on completing your first week of work as a postie; I hope the second week is going well.

Jan

[calimama]

Yes yes yes... so important to be grateful, and find the positive as  much as possible.

thanks,
Trish

[wendysig]

Konnie,
Whem Jan mentioned you called the AN diagnosis tragic, I had to go back and re-read your post since I hadn't noticed that.  I have to agree with her, I would call the diagnosis, frightening, at least initially, but not tragic.  Like her, even though It through me for a loop at first, I never doubted I would be okay in the end.  Frightening, confusing, life changing are all adjectives that would fit the AN diagnosis in my opinion, but tragic, maybe to someone who has  been unfortunate to have a deblitating outcome, but thankfully I think most people here would agree, even though many have big problems to overcome,  their outcomes have not been tragic.  The AN experience seems to bring out the best in almost everyone I've encountered here.

Wendy

[Jill Marie]

Hi Konnie,

Don't worry you will continue to feel the upside of having an AN, I had my Facial Nerve Surgery in 1992 and still notice the negativity in my co-workers and sometimes my family.  Ok, that doesn't sound like an upside but it is, the small things aren't as big a deal anymore and we tend to look for the good in things. The part that bothers me now is that I feel frustrated when I hear and see those around me acting as you say like they were in high school again.  I've been having a bit of trouble not feeling negative about it which is the exact opposite of what I want to do, guess I'm just frustrated that I can't explain to them what it means to me.  We all have problems to deal with so why make it worse with snickers behind the back!   

Donnalynn, I got the raisins, mini-cupcake papers, O.J., & molasses, just need the mixed peel and I'm ready to bake!  Jill 

[konnie]

Donnalynn,
thanks for sticking up for me.
True having a AN diagnosis is different for everyone.
I only went for a doctors appt for my sinuses and found out i had a brain tumor..............

My tumor was on the large side 4.cm (size of a golf ball) and it was pressing on my brain stem.
I was told by my doctors that i had to have surgery ASAP to have it removed and had no time to wait.
I was also told if i waited any longer that i could "eventually die a slow miserable death."
not to mention all the different side effects post surgery. Just having to put together my last will freaked me out....
I never had to have surgery before in my life so yes this was a shocker and to me it was tragic.
I can honstley say that this forum has been a GOD send.
everyone has been very informitive and maid me feel more  confident with my procedure and my out come.
and yes it has changed my life for the better.
thank you
Konnie

[wendysig]

Konnie,
Please forgive me if I hurt your feelings.  You are entitled to feel whatever your feel and if your diagnosis felt tragic, then I have no right to say that it wasn't -- each of us owns our feelings and comes here for support so I am truly sorry that I let you down..  I wish you only t he best in your recovery and in  life.

Wishing you only good things,
Wendy

[Tisha]

Hi Konnie,

When I first found out, I was a mess, and my world was turned upside down.  I also realized, even that early, how selfish I had been with my compassion for other's hurt, pains and tough times in life.  I just didn't want to hear it and wanted to go on my merry way in life.  This has stopped me in my tracks in those regards.  This AN has changed me physically and on the good side, emotionally.  I feel, and I hope...that this makes me a better person.  I'm glad everything has turned out well for you and you are back in the saddle, so to speak.  Tisha

[konnie]

Wendy,
you are forgiven, "sniff, sniff" 
you really didn't let me down, like you said each of us owns our feelings and they are all different.

My family and I have been  fortunat,  not having to deal with any major health issues.
 So when we where told about my brain tumor it was a major blow in comperesense to what we had delt with so far in our lives.
Im sure life has many more bumps along the way  I can only say that this has made us stronger.
 Wendy, Thank you again for your concern.. that is why i love this forum...
Konnie
 

[Jill Marie]

Hi Konnie,  I too feel that my tumor was a tragic event in my life.  The dictionary defines tragic as:  of or in the style of tragedy, sorrowful, causing great sadness.  It doesn't say that you feel that way now or that your life is tragic.  Yes, through out the years I've experienced great sadness because of the tumor but I've also had wonderful times.  You've obviously are doing well and things are looking better as you've returned to work.  I've been at the same job since 1995, first job after my surgery in 1992. 

Tomorrow I will be heading back to my home town for a big party.  It's my Mom's brothers 90th birthday party.  Last July when I was at my Dad's family reunion(we've done this every year for 30 years so I'm fairly comfortable there) they told us about the party and I was thrilled and couldn't wait for the big day.  As the time grew nearer I realized once again that I would be at a big event (held at a Grange Hall) with lots of chatter and unfamilliar surroundings and of course relatives I haven't seen in years not to mention old family friends.  The SSD always plays a part as someone will come up to me on my left side and say something but I don't hear them so they think I'm ignoring them and walk away.  Then there's the eye that has to have ointment put in it every 15 minutes, is it my imagination or not that people see the ointment below my eye and start rubbing their eye either to let me know that my eye has something below it or is it just an involuntary response to what they see, or just a normal action that I notice that most others don't.  I think the part that bothers me the most is picture time, SMILE everyone, come on give us a big old smile, I can't so I feel like they are talking to me personally.  I love getting together with the relatives, they are a really funny bunch, then we get to telling stories and we start to laugh and the laughs grow bigger and I join in then stop because my face doesn't look right when I really let the feelings out, then the feelings get bottled up. 

I'm hoping that by sharing my feelings this evening it will give me the strength to ignore my fears and just relax and have a good time!  Will let you know how it goes! By the way, thanks for letting us know how you are feeling and dealing with being back at work!  Jill

[Jill Marie]

I can't believe it's already been a couple of weeks since I went to my Uncles birthday party.  I meant to post sooner but I've been busy with Thanksgiving then Christmas preparations as I'm sure everyone else has been.  The party and the whole 3 day weekend was perfect.  By the end of the first day I felt right at home (in my childhood home) with family and friends.  I talked for hours with a cousin I haven't seen since I was in high school, then my sister showed up with my other sister (flew in from Tennessee to surprise us).  We stayed up way to late then the fun began again the next day as my brother joined us.  It's the first time in several years that all of us have been together.  There were over 250 people at the party, 19 of my Uncles 20 nieces and nephews were there.  It was like none of us had ever left home.  The next morning most of the relatives had breakfast together and I finally got to actually talk with my 90 year old Uncle, his mind is sharper than mine.  I really hated to leave!  It felt like Christmas!

Speaking of Christmas, I just can't seem to get everything done that I want to do so I'm taking Wednesday off to finish decorating, do some baking and hopefully some wrapping.  SO, Donnalynn would you like to join me in the kitchen to do some baking?  Jill