Hi, 'Giggles' - and welcome.
Thanks for having the courage to post what amounts to a view from the 'other side' and, by doing so, adding some balance to the discussion, which, by the nature of the ANA forums being here for the support of AN patients, lean toward the AN patient's POV almost exclusively. You raise some salient points regarding the spouse, significant other, relatives or friends position in dealing with the loved one that has physical deficits resulting from AN surgery (or radiation) and no longer is exactly the same person as they once were. It's a complicated issue and I won't attempt to offer glib answers to the questions raised but I can state from my experience that each person - the AN patient and the spouse, relative, friend, whatever has to chose to adapt and adjust to the realities involved. No, the 30ish husband may not like noisy-but-fun restaurants anymore or hiking in the mountains, whatever the specific issue at hand. That is discouraging to the spouse, relative or friend and obviously requires some adjustments on their part. Guilt should not drive their attitude. The AN patient should make that clear. If his or her family or friends want to do something he can't or would no longer enjoy doing, he should sincerely encourage them to go without him, explaining that he doesn't want to spoil their fun. Obviously, this is especially important for kids, who can't be expected to simply abandon their favorite pursuits because dad can't do them or struggles trying.
I went on a week-long visit to Disney World in Orlando, Florida in '08 accompanied by my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, their adult daughter (my niece, age 30), my adult son (age 30) and my wife. We made the 1,000-mile trip by car (SUV) and it was uncomfortable, plus, my brother-in-law is fanatic about driving 'straight through' so we slept in the vehicle, which, at my age, is not fun. Once there, we visited 4 of the Theme Parks, one each day. It involved a lot of walking in very hot, humid weather. I was O.K. and went on a lot of fairly 'strenuous' rides, such as the infamous 'Magic Mountain' roller coaster, 'Test Track' (twice) and other rides, including the stationary but exhilarating 'Soaring'. My wife and sister-in-law asked me quite a few times if I was "O.K." and of course I answered in the affirmative. My brother-in-law , some 6 years younger than me, has an old foot injury and has to use an electric 'scooter' that prevented him from participating in many of the rides and attractions. Some days, he chose to stay in his room for the day, meeting us for dinner. No one made anything of it because we understood his reasons, and knew he wasn't being anti-social or petulant, he just couldn't do the things we were doing. Ironically, my 30-year-old niece took a 'day off' because she was too tired to walk another day and my son caught a bug and spent the last 3 days of our expensive vacation in his room, in bed, most of the time. I couldn't complain because he paid his own way and really was sick. The point being that I pushed myself (with no negative consequences) to do everything and be a part of the fun but I know, without a doubt, that had I been unable to, my wife and relatives would have understood, made the necessary allowances and not considered me to be 'a drag'. This is the kind of mutual respect and understanding necessary when the post-op AN patient is trying to socialize with family and friends but, perhaps, cannot do everything he or she once did.
As I posted to Brian, had we had a heart attack or a knee replacement, most people we interact with would be quite accommodating and not expect us to do everything we once did. However, because few people even understand what an acoustic neuroma is and the usual hearing and balance deficits are invisible to others, our ongoing inability to do or enjoy some things are not always given a lot of consideration. We're not visibly impaired (except for those suffering facial paralysis) and our change of attitude seems a bit selfish and hard to understand by folks who have not experienced an acoustic neuroma and the surgery that often is necessary to remove it and it's consequences on our quality of life.
I state all this as an AN patient who survived a large tumor, surgery and radiation and once safely through the medical procedures with minimal complications, was determined to regain my quality of life. I was able to do so with a combination of prayer, hard work and an attitude that simply would not countenance anything less than a successful transition back to doing what I've always done. However, my situation is somewhat unique. I was retired at the time of my diagnosis, did not have young children to care for and had the great benefit of an extremely supportive spouse. She has undergone numerous surgeries over the past 20 years, has endured much pain but always refused to 'give in' to it and has led a relatively normal life. She no longer works but has an active social life and we've enjoyed many good times together, including the aforementioned week-long visit to Disney World in 2008. In short, she understands. Not every spouse, friend or relative does. This is why I want to reiterate that mutual understanding is necessary to alleviate frustrations and hurt feelings between the post-op AN patient, family and friends. Of course, it isn't always so simple or easy. This is why I stress that we have to be willing to accept that some of the people we're closest to may not always have the 'right' reaction to the 'new you' that an acoustic neuroma and subsequent surgery sometimes imposes on us. Unfortunately, there is no pat solution that I can see. It is what it is. However, I appreciate your posting, that attempts to offer a view from the perspective of one dealing with an AN patient, often with deficits and unhappy about them, as you would expect. There are always two sides to every story and I appreciate you helping us to see both.
Jim
