When I heard the news about surgery.....

[Jwh]

Hi,

How come when I heard the news about surgery, I became numb and really didn't have any emotion about it?  So many people have called me to tell me to stay strong and yet I could careless at the moment.  What is up with that??  Maybe because my surgery is not until October and I feel like it's way off. 

Jen

[leapyrtwins]

Jen -

I'm guessing that you could care less right now because as you point out, October is a long way from July.  It must be great to be getting so much support so early though.

IMO as October gets closer you'll be less ambivalent.

Do you have an actual date in October yet?  If so, please put it on the AN Calendar.  You'll find a link at the bottom of Steve's (sgerrard) and LADavid's profiles.

Jan

[Nicole222]

It might be a coping mechanism.  It is a long way off and you will probably run the gamut of emotions (a few times) in the coming months.    It is good that you are calm and you realize that surgery is one step closer to you being healed.  I hope you remain to feel at peace about it.

I remember the morning of my surgery, I was so calm.  I thought I would be freaking out.  But, I was so focused on prayer and knowing that I was being prayed for--I just felt centered.  I hope the same for you.

Edited to Add:  Oh my!  I had no idea this was round 2 for you.   I am so sorry.  Take Care--we're all here for you

[wendysig]

Hi Jen,
Sorry you have to  go through this yet again.  I have to agree that the reason for you ambivalence is because your surgery is relatively far off.  I decided in May that I would have my surgery sometime this month and while I haven't been ambivalent, the idea of having surgery did have a somewhat unreal quality until recently.  I also agree with Nicole that it is a kind of coping mechanism, you would probably cause yourself a lot more anxiety if this weren't the case.  Hang in there and try to keep busy.  It's the best medicine right now.

Best wishes,
Wendy

[lori67]

Jen,

I was the same way.  When my doctor told me the results of the MRI and that I'd need surgery, I just said "Ok".  He looked a little confused and said "well, I guess I expected a more emotional response".  I'm not one to cry, especially in front of other people, so that didn't seem like an option at the moment.  I guess I just looked at it like, well, this is what the problem is, this is what we need to do to fix it, so let's fix it and get on with things.

Looking back now, I'm a little surprised that I wasn't more freaked out about the whole thing, but I'm glad I wasn't.  With any luck you'll be able to remain calm all the way through, but I think it would be perfectly normal to become more nervous as the date approaches.

Lori

[Jim Scott]

Jen:

I had a similar reaction but probably closer to what Lori experienced.  I got the diagnosis over the phone from my PCP.  I asked if radiation was a treatment option but he told me my AN was too big for radiation.  I was not upset, just resigned... and grateful that the tumor was benign.  The neurosurgeon I engaged made it clear that surgery was the only immediate option but that he would only debulk the tumor, then radiate it.  I made a big point about avoiding facial paralysis so he gladly accommodated my request to do everything possible to destroy the AN and avoid nerve-related complications.  My signature tells the story...everything worked out. 

An ambivalent reaction to the news that you have an Acoustic Neuroma and will require surgery...brain surgery, no less, is not all that uncommon.  The news can be  shocking and everyone handles it differently.  I just accepted the reality and put my trust in God and my surgeon.  Apprehensive?  Sure.  Panicky?  No.  My wife was ultra supportive and handled all the scheduling of doctor and lab appointments.  By that time, thanks to my foolish procrastination about seeing a doctor, my symptoms had worsened to the point where I could no longer (safely) drive so she played chauffeur, too.  Family support is crucial and certainly makes the whole ordeal easier.

I agree with Nicole that your passive reaction to the news that you'll require another AN surgery may simply be a coping mechanism of sorts, which is not a bad thing.  The fact that it's a few months away may also help you see it in the abstract, thus helping you to subvert any emotion you might otherwise feel and/or manifest.  I'm sure you'll run the gamut of emotions as the actual surgery date draws closer and you start having the usual battery of pre-op tests and exams.  Until then, looking at the situation sans emotion can't hurt but emotions can also be a form of coping mechanism.  I'm sure you'll get through this O.K. Jen but for now, don't worry about your lack of an emotional response.  I'm sure it will come soon enough. 

Take care.

Jim

[Tamara]

Maybe that's just how your normal response is to most things in life?  I was pretty much like Lori - hmmm, Ok, I guess we'd better do something about this.  Never had a freak out moment, and was too busy to worry about it much.  Mostly had to deal with logistics of making sure things continued to run in my absence.

Don't worry about it - the non-response is normal, too.
Tammy

[cmp]

Jen--

Whether you'll be unshakably calm up to the moment of your surgery in October, or as Nicole suggests may happen, you find yourself running a gamut of emotions as you process the news--either is YOUR way of dealing with this. Of all the responses I got (none were encouragement to "stay strong", as you have gotten--I think most were dropped jaws!), the most incredibly helpful came from my wise and wonderful older sis. She said "whatever you feel, it's OK; you're allowed to feel whatever you do about this."

Before she said that, I think I was in shock--afterward, I let myself have a good cry or two, a brief freakout, and then was, over time, able to get back to being calm (and it didn't seem "strange" anymore...)

So, whatever you feel--it's OK! (But, however it goes, I think you should use the time between now and October to be very nice to yourself!)

Carrie