ANA Discussion Forum
Archive => Archives => Topic started by: sewnice50 on September 18, 2006, 10:31:02 am
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I was diagnosed 2 years ago with a AN and it is now 1.7cm and growing, it is finally time to zap it. I am preparing for the GK. I told only my husband and my 2 closest friends of the AN 2 years ago. One of my friends has not mentioned it again and the other does not seem interested either, I think because its a scary brain tumor (understandable). My husband is scared, I think more than I am. I have not told my son, he is 35 years old and has a brand new baby. I don't want to upset his life with this news of a brain tumor, but is that the right thing to do? I am having GK and am thinking it's not like surgery, no one would know. I ask myself if it was the other way around, I would be devastated if something happed and I had not known, but I could also see the point of not spreading the bad news.
What would you do? Would you rather be spared the worry if possible?
Please help me decide. Thank you all.
Sue
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Sue
You answered the first question I was going to ask. If your son were going in to have the GK done, would you want to know? I think it is important regardless of whether it’s deemed "surgery" or not that you have your support system. Your son might also lend support to your husband and be there for him to lean on while you are undergoing the treatment. And you know… extra love and prayers never hurt anyone. If you do keep it from your son there might always be the possibility that he would find out later; how would he react if this were the case? Personally, I know I would be livid with my parents if they didn't include me in their health issues.
Ultimately, it is your decision and it has to be the one that allows you to sleep at night. Everyone here will support you, encourage you, and pray for you regardless of your decision.
Laura
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I told my 8-year old from the first day when I found out about AN. He and my husband along with close friends and family have been with me throughout the journey. It is my choice to let people know. It helps me tremdously knowing the support system I have around me. Even my 8-year old is so understanding and this situation helps him learn about many things and grow up. It actually is better overall for everyone around me not only for myself. I did hold back in telling my mother who lives overseas. I figured there was not much she could do and I did not want to worry her. I did tell her after the treatment and she was okay to learn that it was a simple procedure and the tumor was benign.
Ultimately it is your choice to decide if you'd like to share with your son or not. If he would find out somehow, I would consider letting him know ahead than have him find out some other means. Just my thought.
Mary
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Hi Mary,
Wow, how different we all are. I was blabbing to everyone about my AN! My family knew about my symptoms for over a year, so they knew I was seeing doctors and such, so it didn't occur to me to not keep them in the loop. I thought at first you were talking about a small child, so that might make sense...but 35? My son is 33, and after my husband, he was the first one I turned to. Your decision, but in my opinion, they shouldn't be left out.
Sue in Vancouver
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No, my child is 8 year old. I share everything with him. He is totally cool about that and is my rock!
I think Sue's child is 35. I did not tell my mom who is 75 until after treatment however. She lives too far away to worry (Hong Kong).
Mary
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ooops, 'scuse me. I did mean to refer to the first person that posted..Sue. Thanks for the correction!
The other Sue
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I told my children 5 and 2.  My 5 year old understands more and my 2 year old knows that Mommy has a boo-boo in her head.  They know when I go to the dr. etc.   They were so sweet to me during my treatment.  They are my everything and I thought I should tell them something incase for some reason I had some side effects.  They pick up on things anyway, and I wanted to be honest (without worrying them of course).  :)
ÂÂ
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Alex, my 8-year old, even went to the treatment center with me. He saw the entire process on the monitors (laser on, laser off, etc.). At the end of the last day of treatment, he came in the treatment room and took pictures for all of us. To him, it was a field trip and he learned from the experience. To me, he provided comfort knowing my family was with me.
Mary
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Hi Sue--I understand your reluctance to tell your gown son who has a new baby--I have a 35 year old son and 29 year old daughter--I knew about my AN re-growth since June and also knew my son was proposing to his girlfirend and having a party with us all afterward (happened in Aug) and then it was a vacation with them in Maine and now they are in the throes of planning a wedding next JUly 15. I waited until today to tell them when I viisited with my son and fiance and my daughter (all live in RI)--I told them I had done hrs of research and have a consult in RI Sept w/Dr Noren for GK.. We cried together and I explained everything I knew and my choice for GK and they understood but wished I had told them earlier so they could be there for me emotionally as they knew I went this "all alone" since I have known. I do not regret waiting until now to tell them as I honestly didn't want to burst their bubble as this is m yson (and his fiance's) first marriage and I am so happy for them. So this was the time to tell them and both wanted to accompany me to the consult but I agreed with my son who, due to his position at work, can take off to be with me. You really should tell your son--he is not a child and I think he would feel betrayed if he found out later and would ask why you didn't tell him!!! He really needs to know-after all he is family. That's what family is all about to share and care about one another.
And my best wishes for your treatment!! Le tus know how you are doing!!! 8) Regards. Mar from MA
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at 35 years old .. he should know .. and 5 years old .. the "boo boo" is a great idea, it should be at thier level of understanding ...
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i can certainly understand your dilemna here, my children are still vrey young and i chose to not tell them, simply because i knew they could not fully understand it, and it would cause them unnecessary worries if they knew i was sick. Personally i think as a grown man it is something he would want to know, perhaps if you told him with a sugar coating so as to not worry him too much :) lol it's what i would do There is a huge difference in reaction between 'benign brain tumor' and a mass.
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Hi Sue,
This is such an individual thing isn't it.
I found out about my An on a weekend during which I was giving a small party for family. A doctor of mine suggested not saying anything then.
What I remember ( now) is feeling so awfully alone when what I wanted to have was some hugs.
When I did tell all family members including my son, I down-played it. For me, it was not a good idea. My son picked up on a "word" i let slip while driving me to an appointment later and was most definitely vocall and not happy about having been kept in the dark. (and he was driving).....
Think about this and be smart.
Windsong
I was diagnosed 2 years ago with a AN and it is now 1.7cm and growing, it is finally time to zap it. I am preparing for the GK. I told only my husband and my 2 closest friends of the AN 2 years ago. One of my friends has not mentioned it again and the other does not seem interested either, I think because its a scary brain tumor (understandable). My husband is scared, I think more than I am. I have not told my son, he is 35 years old and has a brand new baby. I don't want to upset his life with this news of a brain tumor, but is that the right thing to do? I am having GK and am thinking it's not like surgery, no one would know. I ask myself if it was the other way around, I would be devastated if something happed and I had not known, but I could also see the point of not spreading the bad news.
What would you do? Would you rather be spared the worry if possible?
Please help me decide. Thank you all.
Sue
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Sue: My two cents...... both my parents have gone through treatment for serious health issue's, although I was told before the treatment I was left out for a period, only until they got "the full scoop", and that was appropriate...even parents need time to think and get over "the shock stage" on thier own. When they did tell me I was glad they did, it allowed me time to adjust to the idea of them being ill before they had treatment......even as a grown child it's hard to think of looking after them vs them looking after me!
With my being a nurse I was greatly involved in my father's decision of treatment as he had options and I helped him "think it through" as I could easily give him the "what if's" to think about before making his decison, also I gave him more questions to ask the doctor before going ahead (that he hadn't thought of).In my mother's case there was nothing to discuss, only one treatment option but I was glad I had forwarning.
It is a personal decison and yours to make.
Kathleen
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Sue - I totally understand where you are coming from. Being parents we want to spare our children, no matter how old they may be, from pain and worry. My boys are 23 and 20, but at the time of my diagnosis and surgery, they were 12 and 15. I told them everything from the get go and invited them along on doctor visits if they chose so. They wanted to know everything and did not want to be kept in the dark and told me many times not to hide anything. I recently discovered a lump in my breast and had been keeping it a secret, except for my husband. I did not want to say anything until I knew for sure what was going on, but my boys found out about it, got together and confronted me. Yikes! being on the other end of the finger pointing is not pleasant LOL
I know how tough this is, but I think your son should know. Keeping you in my prayers!
hugs,
Cheryl
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Things never happen at the best time and this is surely an individual decision for your family but I'd say tell him. I'm very close to my son and asked his opinion and he said he'd want to know, his concern was upsetting the new mom and causing post partum depression. What does a 16 year old know about that? :o All my best during your treatment!
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Thank you all for your comments. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your thoughts, I will tell my son. Katmumof3, sugar coating is a good idea. It is benign after all. Now I have to come up with the words....
Sue
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If this were me then "YES" i would definitely inform my children about the tumor and procedure. My mother was always one to hide things from her children especially me since I was the youngest. This actually bothered me very much. I think your children will appreciate you more (not that they don't appreciate you now) but we all need to be reminded that our loved ones won't be around forever. I know this is not a life threatening disease but this will make your loved ones think more about you and life in general. I am slightly older than your son at 37. We are far from children anymore. I tell my children every night that I love them and spend as much time with them as possible. My daughter (Jordyn) was actually born on the exact date of my surgery one year later. I took that as a sign from God telling me that everything was alright now. These tumors can be scary at first despite being told 99% of them are benign. When I was told I thought I was dying. I knew absolutely nothing about AN. Today, I am doing fine. I hope all goes well for you and I hope your children know soon and will be there for you if you should need them.
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Sue,
What bothered me most about your post was that your two best friends haven't talked to you about your tumor/surgery. I know that everyone reacts differently. But I was wondering why you haven't brought it up with them again. I make my best friend go out to dinner with me every year on the anniversary of my surgery (our husbands watch the kids). I need support from her, too. But I had to initiate it so that she would know how important it is to me.
I hope my comments aren't taken the wrong way, I am just concerned for you.
Brittany
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Hi Sue,
So, did you tell your son? I still haven't told my mum. I figure I won't need to tell her unless my symptoms became physically obvious. I understand other's comments regarding family etc but my mum was looking after my very ill dad until recently. She has coped with his death amazingly well, on the outside, but I still can't stand the thought of putting her through more stress. I guess she probably will be annoyed with me if she finds out but I am such a chicken.
Regards
Chris
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Hi, I was just reading this, and thought about how little I told my kids, they were 6 and 9 last year when I had CK for my AN. And I think I really didn't go into detail because I didn't want to scare them. So basically I "sugarcoated" the situation. However, I think if I had to go in to the hospital for micorsurgery craniotomy etc.... I would have been more specific with them. Right now I am going to schedule my MRI for my year check up. When I had my films, I didn't show my children, because I was upset and found it disturbing to look at picture of that thing in my head. However on the flip side, I understand the friend reaction because I have friends like that too, they just never mentioned it again...its like having radiation zapped through your head is like getting a tooth filled, perhaps they really don't understand the severity of the situation.
Cheers to all,
Sue (Las Vegas)
PS Just an observation..are people with variations of the name Sue more likely to develope ANs than those with other names??? :D
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Hmmmm Sue, you might be on to something there lol
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I told both my son and my daughter when I found out. They are 6 and 7 years old. I used simple terminology and explained I was not going to die or anything. I even explained what would happen if I have surgery. My son was very upset ( he's the 7 year old ) for two days. His teacher knows about it so she let me know he was upset. He was afraid of me being in the hospital for so long. Even a few days to a 7 year old is long. I just explained to him that I may not have surgery and I'm actually thinking of going with Cyberknife. I told him how cool the equipment is and he seems fine now. I have told all of my family and friends, coworkers, anyone that will lend an ear. It helps me to deal with it and I have always been an open an honest person so it's difficult to keep things to myself. Everyone has been very supportive especially at work which helps. I think hiding it just makes things more difficult on yourself and to your family. They understand your mood changes better once they know what is going on. Just my opinion but I thought it could help.
Lana