ANA Discussion Forum
Post-Treatment => Cognitive/Emotional Issues => Topic started by: petgroomer on November 30, 2009, 11:23:14 am
-
I am about to spin my life around 360 degrees and I need help. I have read some of the topics on depression here in the forum. I am MUCH in need of something. Over the last 8 months, I have gone from a girl with not a care in the world, to one who can't sleep and gets upset over the slightest thing. I have thoughts of packing and leaving on a bi-monthly basis. I have no idea where I will be going or how I will live. It is so unrealistic, but at the time I am thinking the thoughts, they are very real.
Either it is the change of life, or this new 6 cm x 4 cm additional pressure in my neck. All I know is I am going to ruin everything at the turn of a key and a tank of gas.
Two weeks ago, my doctor prescribed me sleeping pills that I take nightly to help me sleep ( i have never had these in my life!), and also clonazepam for when I get irrational (again, somthing new to my system). I took one today for the first time. Actually left my job half way through to get home to take one, as my mind had me packing and leaving my entire existence.
Has anyone else had these feelings? Just deep sadness. Feeling situtations are so unfair. Wanting to run away. (hell, I'm 43, I thought that happened at age 11 !)
I love my boyfriend more than anything. But I am so fast at throwing that away when my mind gets going. This only happens 2-3 times a month,, but that is wayyy toooo much.
I know I need help. If not, my city and life will be my past.
I am looking to find out that I am not the only one that has felt this. If I am, then I DO really need help in all aspects. I just wish I could pinpoint it to what's going on in my head, that way I kind of know I'm not going nuts. :'(
-
First question: does the clonazepam help? It is primarily a anticonvulsant and muscle relaxant. I used to take it for hemifacial spasm, and it had some significant side effects. There are two things I would like you to consider: first, call your doctor and ask for a medication specifically for depression and anxiety. Although 43 is young for change of life, ask your doctor if hormone treatment might help as well.
Second, talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that you are having these irrational thoughts so that if you do act on them, he will not be blindsided. Maybe come to an agreement about what you can do if the feelings get too strong.
I'm glad that you have reached out for help, and realize that your feelings are irrational. Keep reaching out. There IS help available. Running away may be tempting, but it won't make your AN go away and it will cause many other problems.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
Sara
-
Rhonda .....
First of all, you really need to share this burden with someone locally ..... your boyfriend, a trusted friend, a spiritual adviser, or family doctor ..... someone readily available when you have these overwhelming feelings.
..... and yes, depression can be a very real part of the brain tumor journey ..... you are not alone with these feelings. That being said, when you are feeling so "at the bottom," it is difficult to be logical in what you need to do. This is where the trusted friend comes in to help you bring some sense into everything.
It also sounds like you could possibly be having an adverse reaction to medication ..... please call your doctor and tell him/her what is happening.
My thoughts and prayers.
Clarice
-
I agree. Talk with someone!!! If you have good insurance, find out what kinds of therapy (if any) will be covered and go talk this out. Unfortunately, you can't run away from health problems, although I can completely understand why you would want to. There are days I think I would like to run away, too. My life seems complicated and full of so much pressure. When I was first diagnosed, I went back on Zoloft for a few weeks (and I haven't needed it in years). I have issues with anxiety, and it really helped me calm down and think through things. I'm not saying that is right for you (or that you even need something chemical), just that there is no shame in getting help in whatever form you do need.
I hope this made sense. I am very dizzy today and it is hard to concentrate. Please write to me if you need someone to talk to. I just don't want you to make any snap decisions.
Lyn
-
Man, to deal with mental issues as well as physical ones... total overload. However, it is soooo welcoming to come home from work and find these responses. Thank you!
By the time I got back to my job after I took the pill, I was actually calmed down. I cancelled the rest of my day. My friend from 3 1/2 hours away is driving up today to visit me (bringing a bottle of Bailey's.. lol). My boyfriend emailed me from work telling me we will both call in sick tomorrow and have a quiet relaxing day off.
I have a great friend and spouse also as I can see :)
It's not an answer, but it's a crutch until I can get focused on the things that seem to upset me. The things that otherwise are no problem in my life but at times become a volcano.
After all this is over and I am able to get better coping skills..., I want to be the one there for someone else who feels cornered... tell them I've been there,, and reassure them that things will get better.
xo
-
Rhonda ~
I was uncharacteristically dismayed to learn of your struggle with anxiety and having to fight a strong urge to 'run away'. Yet it's encouraging to see that you clearly recognize your problem and want very much to resolve it before these emotions overwhelm you to the point of acting irrationally. That is definitely a very good indicator that you're in control of your emotions, for the most part. The advice you've received in previous posts is excellent i.e. talk to someone, check with your doctor about medications/side effects. I'm not a doctor and have only limited experience with depression but I know it can have many causes and take myriad forms, including the urge to run away - which you logically know is futile but still have to fight to keep the urge at bay. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this as well as the AN but your manifestation of depression-type symptoms is not unknown in AN patients. However, I believe it can be controlled with medication and talk therapy. I understand that chocolate helps, too. You might want to check that out. ;)
Jim
-
Hi Rhonda,
I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. The good thing is that you can talk about it. That's the first step. Anxiety can be a very overwhelming thing. After I was diagnosed I felt like I was on a rollercoaster without being able to come off. The feeling was terrible, like you are falling and there is no one to catch you. I went on for months like that until I decided to talk to my doctor about it. I realized that this is a long journey and I could not let myself live like that every day. It was too painful . I am now on cipralex and it does help. I also take ativan to sleep. I was a little apprehensive at first as I was afraid to be dependant on them but I am so glad I started taking them. There is nothing wrong with taking something if it helps but make sure you are being monitored by your doctor regularly. You also need to do your part and talk to yourself when you are feeling anxious or depressed and constantly say "you can do this and you will get bettter". Talking to the people around you about what is happening to you is essential. Sometimes it will be difficult for people to understand and that's o.k. as they also need time to digest what is happening to their love one. You also have your AN family that definitely understands!
Vivian
-
Rhoda~
You've gotten some great responses...this IS overwhelming. PLEASE don't mix the Bailey's with the pills, though! :o
K
-
You are not going crazy but this whole new health issue is throwing off your brain chemicals and turning life upside down. I have a good friend who takes the clonazepam as she is considered to have panic attacks and that possibly is what you may be going thru. I have trouble with some anxiety issues and know it can really make one feel not right. Keep taking the meds and seeing the dr if you feel they are not helping right as sometimes there may have to be med changes. Talk to whoever you need to to help,boyfriend, friend,dr or therapsit. You are going thru a lot now and I wish I had better answers for you.
We will help what we can too! Cheryl R
-
For what it's worth, I'm still wondering when I'll find myself in a pile in some corner of the house, crying my eyes out like a little boy...this whole AN deal sucks and it can really pull at you, from all directions. They just call me Doc, but hey, if you're having conscious thoughts about doing something that will have a long lasting negative impact on your life, it probably means you need to share your thoughts with someone that can help you deal with them. I've given the whole running away thing some thought myself...it seems like the easy way out, but then it dawned on me that the portion of my Tumor left behind during my surgery and is still on my Brain Stem will only follow me, where ever I go. Our kind of reality Rhonda, is best dealt with face to face, not looking at it through the rear view mirror.
Take care and I sure hope you start feeling better about things.
;)
Doc
-
Hi Rhonda,
This whole AN journey can be emotionally overwhelming and frightening. Depression and anxiety can be quite common. Unfortunately, I don't think doctors make a practice of referring patients to talk therapy. I just want to add my voice to those here who suggested getting some talk therapy. AN is one of those times in life where the emotionanal burden can be extreme, and it can be very helpful to have a supportive therapist to help you through it.
-
Rhonda,
You have received some very good responses. I too suffer from anxiety and depression, so I do feel your pain. Vent, talk, cry, take a bubble bath, some good soothing music and a hug from that someone special helps.
Take care,
Anne Marie
-
Hey Rhonda:
I just read your posting and all I can offer is this (from my mom's experience).
When Mom was being tapered off the Decadron after her GK (she was on an obscenely huge dosage and went psychotic), I asked for a psych consult.
He asked Mom those 10 Questions (i.e. Depression). She said yes to all (as did I and my family-we asked if he could write out a family script). Mom's on Zoloft and Xanax.
But at one point she was given Klonopin by her PCP at Nursing Home #1 (once you get into that Nursing Home System EVERYONE has an opinion)...and wow that was a really scary 12 hours. It's strong stuff (and she was on the lowest dosage; she only took one pill and then I insisted that it be DC'd)...and all these meds can have, for lack of a better word, a rebound effect. (Oh, and before I forget-Zyprexa was nasty for Mom too. Mom, since her GK, has become the Rare Side Effect. I remember getting dressed one morning to go to the nursing home and on TV was some local lawyer was advertising about how Zyprexa was being pulled from the market because, if I remember correctly, it was an anti-psychotic drug mostly for schizophrenics that was making patients psychotic. I had that med DC'd too.)
You might need to test drive a new med. Sleeping pills (it has been Mom's experience...and also mine) are an oxymoron and you might do better with Advil PM. There have also been studies i.e. Vitamin D. Get a blood test-your thyroid might be off. There's also something to be said about Sunlight Therapy. Mom was a big swimmer during the Wait and Watch, before all The Madness. And Mom also loved to bake. Yes, I think it's a safe bet that if a survey was done on this forum that everyone (and their caretakers) have wanted to get in a car and keep driving, have had many moments of the Silent Scream, where you didn't think it possible to have that MANY tears, and yes, that it would all be easier to just fall asleep and not wake up.
If you're still on the Klonopin, speak to your MD/pharmacist; it could be contributing to your anxiety. You might have to taper off before trying another med. Same thing too with the sleeping pills.
It has been my experience (with Mom) that Drugs.com is a great website and also the Physician's Desk Reference; you have to be your own doctor and if not you then maybe your boyfriend.
You're not going nuts. You're just depressed and overwhelmed.
-
I have gone from a girl with not a care in the world...
Yes you have, because now you have a rather serious care in the world. It is pretty clear to me that a 6 x 4 vagus schwannoma does not fit your personality or lifestyle. I think you would have to be nuts not to get bummed out by that kind of diagnosis.
Maybe you should grab your boyfriend and your dog and get in a pickup truck and take a tour of the country. You could write a country song about it. :)
I hope you can get counseling on how to deal with a serious diagnosis, and that some of the suggestions for medical help with sleep and depression will prove useful. I know you didn't sign up for this thing, but you have it. There will turn out to be some good way to go forward with your life, making some changes and adding some new things and setting aside some old familiar things. I wish you the best on your journey.
Steve
-
Rhonda,
I wish you a day surrounded by love.
When I became overwhelmed, I took the rest of my life off from my career. It was the only way I could enjoy the time I have left.
I feel for you. Be strong. Listen to your heart. Keep talking to us. I hope it helps in some way.
Nancy
-
Hi Rhonda! Enjoy your day at home. We all need time off, and we all need to admit we need help. I'm so glad you're boyfriend and your friend are there for you.
And, did you see that Ottawa may be getting a Cyberknife? How cool is that? something to strive for. I left you my number on your phone. Call me anytime! I wish you peace.
-
Rhonda,
I wish I could take all your problems (and everyone else’s on this forum) and make them disappear. This whole brain tumor thing is a lot for anyone to take, and if running would make it go away, I’d say RUN! You need to give your mind a break from all of this madness as much as you can, and definitely talk to your loved ones (and the doctors) about it and let them help you. Maybe a vacation with your boyfriend would be a great idea. Go someplace new, see new things, and give you mind a rest from all the bad things going on.
I have also been thinking about you and wondering how you made out with the doctors you were waiting to hear from.
I hope you keep posting here and let us help in whatever way we can. We are sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Remember…You are strong, and you can do this!
Scarlett and Rich
-
My prayers and thoughts are with you also, please talk to your doctor about your medication you might have to try several before one is right for you. You definitely need to speak to someone other then family or friends you are going through so much. I know I have been depressed after my surgery and my AN was only 1cm., I am taking xanax and a pain killer vicodin because of the surgery and other medical issues then an ambien at night. I am getting more depressed with taking all this medication I stare at the clock waiting for my next dosage..... It sounds nice to run away but please try a different medication to help you somewhat cope at least you are not alone here there are so many of us out there that you can talk to at anytime as needed...
-
*hugs*
Just wanted to tell you you are not alone. I consider, almost daily, running off to a commune somewhere with my kids. :P I do see a therapist, and it seems to be helping, so maybe you could try that?
I'm already post-op, but facing going back to a job I don't like in this new post-op condition where I'm not sure if I even *can* do it. My therapist thinks it's not so much that my executive functioning is messed up that's leading to these "irrational" thoughts, but more of a sense of desperation. ???
Whether that applies to you or not, you have every right to feel angry and sad and scared and I hope you find something that helps you!
-
It has been so wonderful reading all these responses. In them I see me. In them I see self healing for others reading them also.
I am usually a positive person. YESTERDAY I was not. Today, I am on top of the world again. I just took the one pill yesterday and within 40 mins, I felt a change. I resumed back to the job I was doing on the grooming. (yup, I actually left the house half way through the job in a crying mess and yes, she actually let me back in to finish the other dog.. good thing she is a close client of mine who let out her feelings of depression a month before to me!)
I am infact thinking a Crisis Councellor would be good. I don't believe much in marriage councellors but a crisis one would have a different approach (so Rhonda, what 3 things can you do for yourself to make you happy.. lol lol) As you can see, I have my humour back.
I am not interested in taking pills daily. I'm thinking my PRN will suffice, but my boyfriend says I should have a first aid kit in my car.. light the flare and take that pill as soon as I feel it coming on. He is just so funny AND understanding. I'm telling you,, yesterday he was the object of my anger and the one person I wanted to get as far away as possible from and let him know just that! Yet, I'll tell you, he totally understands and promises to stand behind me all the way. He just said he has learned to listen, no matter how unreasonable I sound, he knows it will only last so long. He said all he can do is reassure me he loves me and will never let me go :P Man, during my "freak out", I was DEFINATELY leaving and nothing was stopping me.
I will say,, the FIRST thing I thought of for help and ran to... was HERE on this forum. To people who I just KNEW would know what I am/was feeling and going through. I immediately logged on and typed away. I swear, if I ever can repay back (pay it forward) and help you as you help me... , if I can ever save a crash of an emotional day as you have done for me... I WILL BE THERE!
As for my surgery, I am awaiting the costs from Dr. Chang at Stanford so I can remit them to Ontario Health Ins. Plan to see if they will cover me out of country. I am aware of the new machines coming to Ontario but am hopeful Dr. Chang will be able to do it for me. He has already told me he will do the surgery and I have already filled out all the necessary paperwork at their facility.
Well, everyone, THANK YOU so much!!!! Love you all! xo
-
Rhonda .....
So glad you are feeling better now! You are on that emotional rollercoaster many of us know so well. Your boyfriend sounds like a jewel ..... hang on to him! :D My husband has been my rock and patiently listens when I go down the hill before coming up again.
This Forum has been such a comfort for many of us and I am so glad you have found us. No one else really knows what we have been or are going through ..... not family members, not even doctors!
Thoughts and prayers that the medical red-tape will be processed smoothly.
Clarice
-
Hi, Rhonda ~
The huge improvement in both your attitude and outlook is very welcome news. Your exultation at the change you've experienced is quite poignant to read about and of course, your appreciation of the folks that post on these ANA forums is most welcome. From your account, your boyfriend seems to be mature and compassionate in his reactions to your mood swings. I think he's a keeper. I concur with both your assessment that some sort of counseling may be beneficial for you and your aversion to medication as a solution to your anxiety issues.
Whatever path you chose for both your AN treatment and your occasional anxiety meltdowns (that many AN patients experience) I know you'll do well and of course, you can count on your AN family to support you all the way. :)
Jim
-
I can relate some with your feelings, but mine wasn't that drastic. I think most all of us go through some sort of depression a few weeks/months and maybe years after our AN removal. I don't know what to tell you, nor your history, and you had a very large tumor which IMO quantifies you problems. I don't think running away going to solve anything, IMO it surely will make it worse or worse yet fall victim of a vollent crime. I think you need to see you MD and he can recommend a physicist. I do know running will only make a bad situation worse with no support, no job, probably no insurance, and no one to talk to but strangers. I have to ask how is that going to help? sorry you had to go through this. Please seek some help.
-
Update,, STILL smiling and having a great day :)
Honestly tho, I have much more pressure in my ear lately and a clogged/muffled feeling in it along with some on and off pings of pain in my eye temple area (I know you all can relate), but this is new to me,, so I think that can coincide with the dramatic fluctuation of emotions I felt/feel.
Got a call from Stanford Medical Center and I'm getting the costs tomorrow emailed to me. Then it's all up hill from there.. I HOPE! lol
Thanking you all for your kind words and support! Anyone need a dog groomed?? Would love to help you out.. NO COST! Just drop on by.. lol lol
;)
-
Alas, I do not have a dog! :( ..... but I'd love to drop on by just to meet you in person ..... you seem like such a neat person!
Hang in there ...... you will be OK!
Clarice
-
Thank you for the offer but I have a Yorkshire Terrier and we call him the Yorkshire Terror all the groomers we have brought him to calls us to come get him they cannot handle the little guy.....it is so funny. We have had the vet sedating him after problems with groomers but now he is getting too old for that and now we have to give him benadryl.
Remember it is uphill now,
Pat
-
I have one! A golden similar to your photo buddy. He's pictured in my spa day lipo face lift thread when I received the magic scarf pre-op. He's 9 1/2 but still acts like a two-year old. He was bred for coat, and if I'd known what that means . . . I groom him myself as best I can, but mostly I vacuum a lot.
You sound a lot better. I hope the team at Stanford can help you pronto so you can put this behind you and get on with your wonderful life with that fabulous man of yours. (I have one, too.)
-
Wow, I had to read thru all of these posts - and I'm teary eyed writing this. It is helpful to know that we're not alone on the journey. I completely related to so much of what was described - mine happens to be a long, dark, lonely tunnel that I walk in which no one can see or hear me. These feelings started a few years ago after having to have a hysterectomy following a series of miscarriages. We married late (I was 37) and the window of opportunity for children just seemed to be lost. My husband and I then embarked on a closed adoption, which ultimately failed. I recovered some - and moved on - then the AN was discovered. I've been lucky as far as that part of my life and I'm doing well with that at least, but the depression seems to return when I start thinking about things and just wish for what NORMAL people are able to have. You know, kids, being able to hear normally, and so on. Sometimes I really do think I'm being punished for some reason and that is just so sad. I know I need to get my butt back to church too, but even the effort required there seems like too much and maybe I'm not even worth it. I haven't consulted anyone about this on a professional level for the same reasons.
You sound better now, and I'm glad you have someone special in your life to hold your hand along the way and not judge, just listen and be there and not be too shocked by anything you say or have to make everything fixed. It's important to get everything in the open.
On the lighter side (yes there is one) I have twin, black Standard Poodles, Max and Josef. I would be proud to have you groom them! They are the only things that keep me here and somewhat sane. My husband is gone alot for his job, so they are a huge source of comfort. I know that they need me and I can tell that they know when things are bad, too. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
~~Joey
-
Joey:
I am so thankful you found the post and were able to relay your feelings. That I feel is part of the healing. It helped me Tremendously!!! There are many life experiences out there that make mine a little ant hill and for that I feel shameful for ever letting myself get so upset. I am here for you Joey! We all are! You will never be alone.
See, this is also self healing when one can reach out to others. (I think that is why councellors become councellors,, to heal themselves through others problems :P )
You have been through alot! Some things cannot be changed, however I do know how you feel as my first pregnancy was an ectopic and I lost my right tube and ovary and part of my left ovary. I felt SO angry at the world. SO angry at abortion. So angry at mothers who treated their children with anything but love. So angry at mothers who would abandon their children on the streets. After 6 miscarriages I did eventually get into a fertility clinic and was able to have children. My anger Instantly disappeared. I know you were not able to heal in that way. But Joey, God (I do beleive in God here, so I'm using him here :) ) does have his reasons and there are no "NORMAL" people in this world. We all have our issues and problems. I DO feel very fortunate for my life and situation. I help people everyday because of my schwannoma. (it's cute to see people look at me and try to figure out where it is in my neck.. lol.. they shift their eyes side to side... haha)
I am told over and over again that I don't look sick. That I always have a smile on my face (they didnt see me MONDAY!!! lol). That I inspire others because no matter how down they are, I can always make them happy.
You know you have a purpose too Joey, that inspires others no matter how YOU feel inside. You ARE NORMAL. Your life is normal Joey, I can go on and on,,, and if you wish, I can email you with other thoughts, but I will stop here because just reading your history and knowing you are able to reach out to others for help, lets me know you will be ok. You WILL be ok :)
p.s. regarding the "being punished", I used to think the same way because my mom used to tell me "Rhonda, what ever you wish on someone, will come back to you 10 Fold (she passed away before my diagnosis from cancer)... well, I have wished LOTS of angry thoughts on people during my life,, and the first thing I thought of when I got the news of my Schwannoma was,, MOM WAS RIGHT!
But Joey, we were picked because we can handle it. You are definately worth going back to church,, infact, you will find a friend there who will NEVER let you down.. give it a try this Sunday and let me know!
-
We all might be like little snowflakes, each different, but boy, there are a lot of very similar snowflakes on this forum.
Talk about hitting a nerve with this post...i hope that you have found some comfort, things to consider, alternatives to try, etc. in all these great posts..
i didnt realize until reading this post just how sad i've been through all this drama with my AN diagnosis, research, decision, and treatment (which was radiosurgery 6 days ago)...i've tried so hard to be funny and supportive of my friends and family, and brave, and yet through most every day i've felt exactly like you've described...
i have recently been honest about my increased anxiety and depression (finally) and asked for help...friends, a trusted counselor, a family physician (for an anti anxiety med), so at least now i dont feel like i'll go "postal" at any minute (apologies to any postal service employees)...but my AN situation has definitely made my lifelong issues with depression much worse...
i find comfort in things i've always loved: time with friends, family, time outdoors, time with pets, and time with my horses. I'm sure that you know exactly what i mean when i talk about the healiing that comes from the unconditional love of an animal (even a big old peppermint-treat-greedy draft horse!!)
i actually cried while i read some of your posts...tears of compassion, sorrow, and of joy that you've found the forum, just like i did.
I'm sending you comfort and support...
tricia (horsekayak)