ANA Discussion Forum
Archive => Archives => Topic started by: thecakes on March 29, 2006, 06:32:41 am
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People I'm starting a joke thread. There is one posted called laugh. It is good to have a good laugh, and lets use this thread to put our jokes in. Captain, I'm sure you have something to say....
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good idea, just wish I could remember some jokes.
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What's a pirate wench's favorite vegetable?
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRtichokes!
Captain Deb 8)
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What does pirate wenches likes in their salads?
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRugula!
Captain Deb 8)
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What be the pirate wench's favorite holiday?
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRbor Day!
Captain Deb 8)
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Ya' pirate wenches are very
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrticulate ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Where ya been, Star? Wanna join th' crew of the Princess Batty? We need a court jester!
Or you can make up your own crew position if ye like!
Captain Deb 8)
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Been hither and thither of late, lurking up under the ships udders, uuuuuuuuuhhhh I mean rudders, few bumps and grinds under there ya know.
I think the crew has quite a few jesters already,,,,hmmmmmmmmmm me thinks that a new position would be great, crew position I mean. The only thing I know about sailing a ship is from Pirates of the Carribean. ::)ÂÂ
I'll be gettin' back wi' ya' later on, now I'm going for a dip, and swim wi' the wee mermaids...and mermens :D
Land ho, ye mateys
Star
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Star--if yer lurkin' round the rudder ye can be the bosun! Officer in charge o' not lettin' 'er sink!
OK back to the jokes!
Who's the pirate wench's favorite Greek philosopher?
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRistotle!
Capt. Deb
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OK! OK! enough with the pirate jokes(but there will be more later!)
  An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have
one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk
driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle
registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked
up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic
bags in thetrunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly
backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your
vehicle please! The woman steps out of her
vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that
you have stolen this car and murdered the
owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the
trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing
nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the
registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims
that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and
pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer. The officer examines the license. He
looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of
my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and
that you murdered and hacked up
the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I
was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Older More Mature Women!
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8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
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Ok, Here's some more, especially for the "Nana"s of the listserve
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face
> was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the
> zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their
> cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them
> with tiger paws.
>
> "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to
> paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.
> Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
>
> His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your
> freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,
> she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek.
> "Freckles are beautiful!"
>
> The boy looked up, "Really?"
>
> "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me
> one thing that's prettier than freckles."
>
> The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely
> into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
>
> **************************************
>
> A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
> what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside
> on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
> tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
> raspberries in the woods."
>
> The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last
> she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
>
> **************************************
>
> My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
> Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
>
> I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
> are we alike?"
>
> "You're both old," he said.
>
> ********************************
>
> When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
> replied "I'm not sure."
>
> "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine
> says I'm four."
>
> ***********************************
>
> A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
> Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The
> teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie
> raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
>
> "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
> wife."
>
> **********************************
>
> Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his
> friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000
> Leagues Under the Sea."
>
> The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
> had kept him wide-eyed.
>
> In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted
> Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
>
> With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
> the 20,000 leaks!!"
>
> **************************************
>
> A second grader came home from school and said to her
> mother, "Mom,guess what? We learned how to make babies
> today."
>
> The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to
> keep her cool."That's interesting," she said. "How do you
> make babies?"
>
> "It's simple," replied the girl "You just change "y"
> to "i" and add "es."
>
> (Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one?)
>
> ****************************************
>
> " Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
> teacher.
>
> The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
> pregnant."
>
> The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
> you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
>
> "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means
> carrying a child."
>
> ********************************************
>
> A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
> one morning.
>
> He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
> cup of coffee in her life.
>
> When she got to the bottom, there were three of those
> little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are
> these army men doing in my coffee?"
>
> Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best
> part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
>
> ***********************************
>
> A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
> wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed
> past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
> Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
> duties.
>
> "They use him to keep crowds back," said one
> youngster.
>
> "No," said another, "he's just for good luck"
>
> A third child brought the argument to a close..."They
> use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."
The Mexican op ened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He
is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates
are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you
can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next
day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that
you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your
answers." Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the
week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be
Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only
answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this,
and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us
go on with the third and final
question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
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HiTec
A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young
man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned
out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows
and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg , Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a
full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586
cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the Government." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business.......
.
Now give me back my dog."
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Raydean!
OMG! You owe me a new computer monitor! LOL!!!!!!!!
xo
Phyl
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Thanks for sharing Raydean...
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Taa daa!!! Raydean comes out of her shell and shows her true colors. Most hysterical!! Way to go!!! Everyone at work thought I had totally lost it and someone made mention that I sounded like the Count from Sesame Street....ah ha ha!!!
"More, more, more....how do you like it, how do you like it....more, more, more"
Trivia: The gal who sang that was a porn star.....seriously
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new monitor huh, must be from that diet coke build up!!!
Here's another one
CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to
make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! "
God replied,wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. (continued below)
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a
piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. (continued below)
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Quick, send this and make 10 people laugh
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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use
to write proposals and track expenses and run my
business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start
with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START
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20 puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
-
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock k you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you 're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
" When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
-
AAAAAAAAAAAaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I be a joke pirate
To all my dearest friends, I need some help.ÂÂ
My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I can't take one because I am allergic, but if three of you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home. ÂÂ
Since he lives by the Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you. I've attached pictures of the last 3 kittens.
Will you help?
ÂÂ
 ÂÂ
 DDDDDaaaaaaaaaaaaaarnnnn why didn't ya' tell me the pictures wouldn't print????
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDdddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
 i am really allergic...and that's the truth!
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CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrraaaaaaaaaaaap
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We can't see the kittens...hmmm..guess your'e gonna be stuck with them ALL
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Star--email me the joke--I'll share it around!
Message me and I'll give you my email!
Capt Deb
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Star,
Another closet wench - ye be in deep doo doo now - refer to upcoming good morning thread.
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A Few Days Off
A few days off......... I desperately needed a few, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her " ...and where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
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Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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Capt Deb are you trying to tell us you're not a cat person? lol
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Me thinks Capt Deb and Raydean have both been flushed - call for those men in the white coats.
They're coming to take them away ha ha.
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Here's a good one for all you Pacific Northwesters, and an idea of our life if you don't live here:
YOU COULD BE FROM THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IF:
1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5 You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"
signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted,
it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best,
and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye
salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Yakima and
Stillaguamish.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai
food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the
dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by
rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of
mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see
through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a prett y day and
you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but
still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the
socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the
old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season
(Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward
them.
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*groans*
cute hun!
Hey, saw this on the ANA site for local meetings.. anyone here attend? I'd LOVE to hear about this one!
MO Kansas City, 4/15/06, The Role of Humor In Recovery
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Hey Kathleen,
Being Coastal Washington I completely understand!!!! Not wanting to leave anyone out I'll share
"Only in America"
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Since fishing season opened recently Thought I'd share this one.
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in
> Arkansas recently with two ice chests of fish. He
> was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
>
> The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a
> license to catch those fish?"
>
> "Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there
> licenses, no. You must understand these here are
> my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game
> warden. "Ya. Every night I take these here fish
> down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a
> while. Then I whistle and they jump rat
> back into this here ice chest and I take them home."
>
> "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
> says the warden
>
> The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a
> moment and then said, "It's the truth
> Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
>
> "Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
>
> The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and
> stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden
> turned to him and said, "Well?"
> "Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
> The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
> The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
> "The FISH!" replied the warden.
> "What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
>
> We in Arkansas may not be as smart as some city
> slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees!
>
>
>
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Hey Phyl...
Actually I DID attend the Kansas City symposium (there were 8 of us) where the topic was "Humor in Recovery". The speaker was okay, a man from the Sprint Corp Training Center (Sprint University), however, he never really talked about humor in recovery. He did talk about what personal traits one should take into any surgery to help ensure a positive outcome. I was a little disappointed BUT my purpose in being there was to meet other ANers before I went into surgery. I came away with a real warm and fuzzy, especially from Dave Kellogg, who is the KC ANA chairman, who had a very positive outcome. I can now say that I also fall into that category.
Still anticipating my clam chowda!
Road Trip Dale