ANA Discussion Forum
AN Community => AN Community => Topic started by: msuscottie on May 15, 2007, 10:36:11 am
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A little blog I wrote on another site ...
Seriously, Stop Complaining.
I think I complain too much. I’m always complaining about stupid things like gas prices, or that I’m too tired, there’s nothing to eat in the refrigerator, the weather sucks, the grass grows too fast and I have to cut it twice a week, homework always sucked, my job sucks, whatever.
3 years ago I was a healthy 28-year old “normal� guy. A freak accident led to the discovery of a large, life threatening brain tumor. All of the sudden, after a day on an operating table, I was in a hospital, unable to speak, walk or even eat without some help. I feared that I wouldn’t survive or ever get back to be the person I once was and that my wife and family would be stuck with some vegetable that they didn’t sign up for. I sat in the hospital bed one day, unable to move and promised myself that If I ever got out of there, I’d prioritize my life and stop sweating the small stuff. All I wanted was my old life back. You know, the one I always complained about.
As I started rehab, my outlook changed. I didn’t complain, I did everything necessary, and more. I got out of the hospital and back to everyday life. As the daily grind started again, so did my complaining. It’s not like I’m always complaining about everything, it’s just that in retrospect, I realize the things I do complain about are stupid.
Last year I had to have another brain surgery. Suddenly, snapped back into that harsh reality, I remembered and realized how fragile life is. At this time my wife was pregnant and all I wanted was to survive another surgery and meet my daughter. Again, nothing else mattered to me except getting back to my family and being there when my daughter was born. Gas prices, food in the fridge, my boss; none of these things ever crossed my mind, because, well, they weren’t important.
I survived another brain surgery, rehabbed more, and was there when my daughter entered the world. That’s all I had wanted. I certainly had nothing to complain about.
Of course the day-to-day complaining returned. How can you not complain when gas is $3.29/gallon? There is always going to be something to complain about, but take the time to realize that there’s a lot more good than there is bad out there.
Recently, I returned for a follow up visit with my Dr. who confirmed that the much smaller, but still significant tumor in my brain is alive and needs to be dealt with. I thought this crap was over, but here we go again. Thank goodness I don’t have to have another brain surgery, but I will be going in for Gamma Knife Radiation. The word “radiation� is just plain scary, especially when it’s on your brain. I’m not worried about the actual treatment this time, I mean, I’ve survived two brain surgeries, this **** shouldn’t even phase me anymore, but I am worried about the long term effects. All I want is to have a long life with my family; nothing else matters.
I’ve had a lot to complain about over the last few years, but when you can’t get out of bed because your legs don’t work, complaining about the weather seems pretty stupid. When you’re in a waiting room for hours wondering if your loved one will survive, standing in line at Target is nothing to complain about. You realize that without your health, you don’t even know how much gas costs. While the things I complain about often change, the one constant wish I have is to be healthy and with my family. It’s easy for me to see what’s important in my life and I wish it didn’t take life threatening health issues every other year to help me realize it. Keep things in perspective, stop *****ing, and enjoy the important things.
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Scott... boy, oh, boy, can I relate (as many here can too!). Great post/rant and you (and everyone here) has every right to share that rant. Like you, I want my "old" life back... but, I gotta tell you... for me.... I'm actually ok with what is going on with me (my wonderful trifecta with my AN, my Chiari and my pancreatic "C"). I have to commend my physical whoas as, like you, it not only gives a new perspective on life... but it has certainly made me mentally/emotionally stronger so when the small stuff wants to make me sweat, I don't.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I have a feeling you and I are not the only ones that feel this way... and you are going to do great with your GK! I just know it :)
Phyl
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Scott,
Yep, there's nothing like getting a phone call from a Neurologist, "Um, ..I have the results of your MRI here, and you have a mass..." , to focus one's priorities. Life is good.
Regards,
Rob
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Scott,
Great story, so true. As I continue to heal and get thing back to normal (as normal as it can be under the circumstance) I have slipped back into my complaining mode. It's so easy to forget those bad days after surgery. When I look back on my pictures I start to remember me saying if I get my health back I'll never complain again. So easy to forget when things are going good.
I hope everything turns out with your Gamma Knife. The doctor left a sliver of the tumor on my facial nerve to preserve it and he told me if it came back they could use GK. Not what I wanted to hear. The thought of going through this again scares me to death. I can't imagine what you are going through.
Good Luck
Ellis
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Wow....great story and viewpoint!
Gary
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I agree 100% with you. Life is wonderful. Priorities stack up differently after a major health issue.
From my own experience I learned that prayer and meditation bring peace, but I gained the best help from hearing assistance. I read a recent post from a retired nurse/AN patient. She confirms the importance of getting some hearing back at any expense one can manage. Being able to hear from the deaf side once again has forced me to focus on the thing I missed most...feeling normal amongst important people in my life. It is too easy to slide into self pity, isolation, and complaining when hearing is lost.
I had found that talking to myself became too strange and lonely. So, why not complain and draw attention to myself? I might have been tough and courageous about the tumor, the surgery, and recovery time, but I denied I wanted my hearing back.
I've felt so much empathy for "hard of hearing" elders who just lose themselves in silence. I believe Medicare should partially assist the aging with decent hearing aids, too.
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Boy can I relate to this topic also. Back in 1988 when I had my first AN and surgery-their was no one too talk too. No internet-I knew only one other person from our town who had one of these and that was it. Two years later I forgot about my AN and Surgery-one sided deafness-but yes was into the old mode again of complaining about trivial crap. Now that I have another tumor and my hearing is affected in my only hearing ear-no complaining but I want my old life back. Even with a hearing aid I cannot listen to music on TV-Radio-Phono- nothing. But I stll can hear. I read in the paper the old Ann Landers column-and how some people complain about the most trivial matters. You want to say-please get a life and find what is really important. However- I think we are all human and take for granted until we lose health or whatever-then things take a different perspective. Two weeks ago before I got these newer Hearing Aids-it was a cold dreary rainy day and I was feeling down and out-mainly because I could not hear-period. I finally had a good cry with my wife. She is my rock and salvation. I am the type of person who would not show my emotion and cry-but those days are gone. It releases tension-and I believe it does not make me any less of a person or a man. Sometimes we just have too vent to people-like on this board for those who can relate an understand. Some crosses are bigger than others-but we all have one too carry. God Bless All on the Group-Have a good Evening. Ron.
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my thoughts and prayers are with you, scottie. You are a great guy!
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Scottie,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. After much soul searching I am going to as the song says, "go sky-diving and Rocky Mountain climbing" and you know the rest. I'm going to be more positive and get back as much of the old me as possible and invent a great new me.
Much love and prayers to a great guy!
Brendalu
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You're not going to 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu-Man-Chu?
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Scottie,
After reading your post I think you are one courageous guy to bare your soul--may you have all blessings of healing, joy and comfort surround you. I bow to your spirit.
As I've said to someone who, to this day, will not stop complaining about the small stuff..."Life sucks, then you get a brain tumor!" This only shut her up for a little while, she's back to her old self--sigh.
Ron,
It's great to have a partner and moreso when moments like those arise letting us know just how fortunate we are, now let her know! Guess you could say it's moments like that that you would "count" as blessing number one. You are so right about the crying thing as our levels of stress does build and soon there's no more room within we must "release" to make more room for more stress! WEEEEE! This reminds me of a comedian who while drinking his drink at the bar spilled it down his front and wobbily looking into the eyes of his potential one-night stand and said, "Ooops, I shhorry I must be full! BRRRP!" :D
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Scotty, The good that comes to you is well deserved.
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::)Hi Scott--I have a rt AN that was not totally removed in Jan 2001 and it is growing and I will have FSR starting Aug at Mass Gen Boston, MA... I thought it was all behind me, but ya know I think complaining about all the mundane stuff kinda puts the big stuff on the back burner for a while--I don't think we should ever feel guilty for complaining with everyone else, as long a we know what's truly important in our lives...
I do find I don't have alot of patience with people who have nothing to complain about yet DO, but that's life--we all take so much for granted. So for me it's not so much the complaining as it's more the appreciation of all the good things I have and thankful that things are not worse!!! Now if I can practice what I preach I'll be golden!! Ha Ha :o
Best always, Mary from MA
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As I've said before, don't sweat the small stuff, and it's 99.9% small stuff. Now putting that into practice is another story!
Love you Scottie!
Capt Deb
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Instead of "Got Pirattitude?" shouldn't it be "Got Arrrrttitude?" :)
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Scott:
Excellent observations.
While I've had a somewhat better than average recovery from my AN surgery/radiation and I'm a bit older than many of the posters here and should presumably know better, I still complain about mundane things, as you do. Following successful AN surgery, I certainly do value my health and being alive, as, just about a year ago, a pre-op CT scan detected a 'mass' on my liver that all the doctors thought was cancer (but wouldn't say so) until a next-day biopsy proved it to be a hematoma. No further treatment was deemed necessary and my AN surgery, immediately cancelled once the 'liver mass' was discovered, was promptly rescheduled for a week later.
Like you, I inwardly vowed to never complain again if I could just get through the AN surgery 'intact' and finish the FSR treatments with no complications. I did. Oh, I still have a few 'numb' spots on my tongue and mouth (they come and go in intensity), the left side of my face isn't quite as sensitive as the right (very minor difference) and my left eye itches when I'm very tired (not too often). My walk is good but not yet 'perfect' and walking backwards is still a challenge (but I can do it if I really try). However, I accept these small annoyances as a part of the AN 'experience' and I'm grateful that's all I have to contend with. Still, like everyone else on the planet, I'm a fallible human being and heavy traffic, clueless 'customer service' representatives and other negative aspects of daily life sometimes cause me to complain and grumble...even to vocally rant, on a rare occasion.
I don't believe that we can really do much about this human weakness except attempt to tamp it down and, for a rational balance, force ourselves to recognize the good things we have as well as the bad. Of course we'll complain about the rising price of gas. Why shouldn't we? However, I'm thankful that I even have a car, can drive it and can afford to pay the higher gas prices...even as I grumble about them. This is balance. A reasonable complaint but a recognition of something positive, right along with it. Obvioulsly, people, mainly the ones we love, are more important to us than money , a job or anything else. Your expressed love for your new daughter made that clear, if it wasn't already. It's a cliché, granted, but it's still true that, in their final hours on earth, no one will regret that they didn't spend more time at the office.
I'm sorry to read of your AN tumor now needing radiation but you certainly have the right attitude toward this turn of events. I'm sure you'll do fine, Scott. Keep up that positive outlook born of realism. It serves you well and is a lesson to all of us. :)
Jim
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You're not going to 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu-Man-Chu?
I thought about it, but after watching Walker do it, I think I'll pass and go bunging jumping instead!
Brendalu
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Hey, I heard that the more you complain, the longer God lets ya live!
Capt Deb 8)
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Hey, I heard that the more you complain, the longer God lets ya live!
Capt Deb 8)
well then, WAAAA Waaa Waaa, Booo Booo Hooo, I'll be complaining at least till my kids are grown and giving me grandbabies.
patti ut
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The squeaky wheel always gets the grease!
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Great post Scott. (Although I've never had a tumor removed, I did have a major brain surgery and can definitely relate.)
Thinking about your life and what it means is definitely different when you're at home, than from when you're on the operating table and you're doc says, "There's always that possibility that...". My doc said before my surgery that I have a good chance of survival, but there's also a good chance that I will be paralized on one half of my body. Now that's some scary sh..! Thank goodness that's behind me now (and I came out normal (though some may disagree :)))
Best of luck Scott!
Andy
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Scotty,
This is a great post. Though I never did vow to never complain or sweat the small stuff again, I did go through a period of elation prior to the surgery. I had resolved that the surgery was necesary, and that whatever the outcome, it would be the first day of the rest of my life. I had the idea that life is precious and every moment to be savored. I wrote in a journal all the time and what poured out of me was bordering on poetic. It was a period of really being aware of our mortality, and feeling grateful to be alive no matter the inconveniences of life.
Well, this newfound lease on life did not last forever. Like you say, after you get back to the daily grind, you start to sweat the small stuff. Maybe that is the human condition! So please don't feel guilty about it.
After recovering from surgery, I actually went jobhunting to get into a more fullfililng job and didn't return to the old one. It was so funny, my supervisor told me, after I accepted the new job, "after a couple weeks around here, Kate, you will be b----ing and complaining about all the details, just like everyone else!" How right she was.
Scotty, good luck to you.
Kate