ANA Discussion Forum
General Category => AN Issues => Topic started by: Patti on April 29, 2007, 10:50:05 am
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i feel blue today. why today, i don't know. i had surgery 6 1/2 years ago (4 cm) and subsequent brain swelling so they had to go in again and remove some brain tissue to allow room for swelling. I was hospitalized for 7 weeks and outpatient therapies for 6 months. i was 38 and had 2 pre-teen girls. It was a blessing of sorts to not return to a demanding job and be home more to raise my girls. The teenage years are tough and i was able to navigate my family through those years. i have been physically active since then to keep the balance problems from worsening. i have been mentally active-volunteering at first in a hospital, the a part-time job in a science laboratory, learned to knit, refreshed my skills in spanish by taking it for a year and now tutoring a spanish girl to speak english. i now work as a part-time paralegal learning many new things. but i never seem to be satisfied with myself. i feel that if i am not the science teacher that i was then i am a quitter. i make mistakes but usually catch them because i work at my own pace now-not that of a classroom of teenagers. my husband tells me i can't go back to teaching (he too is a teacher). he notices my fatigue and its affect on me. i will have an empty nest soon now that my girls are older and i will be 45. sure i can fill up my life with things and i do but i still wonder if i can be a teacher. am i too old? do students respond well to someone this age and with a half paralyzed face? i also am half deaf. patti
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Hi Patti: My heart goes out to you my friend. I was on the phone earlier with my best friend who lives in NY - having similar feelings for different reasons.
I know life can feel rough at times, or should I say you're being the roughest on yourself ? I'll never forget one day leaving the doc's office in tears over what I can't do anymore, the effects of facial paralysis getting to me, & then seeing 2 young men, each on a stretcher, paralyzed from the neck down. Whew, put things in perspective real fast. Maybe if you focus on what you can do - it seems you have been teaching, maybe not a room full of students, but you obviously have quite the motivated spirit if you ask me. I know of one woman on this post who was able to go back to teaching, 4th graders, also like us with the facial paralysis (thank God hers is improving !) & the single sided deafness (I think). (I'm wondering how come your husband feels you can't go back to teaching if that is your passion?). Look into your spirit my friend, you will find answers there. There's no rush, life isn't going anywhere without you!! I do hope this helps you.
Wishing you happiness in your life, Nancy
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Patti,
We do have days to feel blue, don't we?
And more so when thoughts return to a former job/career perhaps.
I was a teacher myself. And it still botehrs me that I am not doing that despite the years. Whenever I think of oh-maybe-in a year- (or two or whatever)- I-can-return-to-that, i am caught short by a few things that I know happens in a school setting. 1) simply going to vote in a school at a time when classes were letting out and all the students were at their lockers, I was overwhelmed by the noise factor, so much so that disequilibrium soared along with a spaced out feeling. By the time i got to the voting area in the gymn i was quite disoriented enough that I was asked are you ok (so it was noticeable) this was shortly before An diagnosis.
2) i was asked as a published writer to come and give a "talk" for 2 hrs to a class about my writing. I thought oh , ok no big deal, but again the simple act of walking the halls of the building affected me, then in the conference room/type of place with about 16-20 students, I took some time to set up, get organized with notes(all painstakingly prepared lol) and began. Well high school/college age students don't always practice one-person-speaks-at-a-time thing and i was hard pressed to deal with the questions coming from all sides very rapidly i might add. I ended up abadnoning the "prepared" outline i had, and winging it for the duration. Not my finest moment. I knew then that my "teaching" was not on my radar screen for things to get back to.
A lot of things come into play. teaching is a demanding job. In my case my classes were always packed so i never had less than a 100 students to see every day. Simply the paper work would now be overwhelming never mind the 3-4 classes each day. And the noise. And the marking, the dept meetings, the bd meetings, the extra curricular activities, the admin meetings and on and on it goes. Late nights, early mornings, meetings through lunches, professional development seminars/workshops etc....
I still miss all that. I try not to think about it as I know I am not able to do all that now. Took a long time to sink in, however, and still can make me morose.
Add to that my writing career which also stalled ( I was on a roll as they say when health issues took over) I'm a bit surprised at having survived all the losses.
The only way to keep moving forward is to develop new interests, make adjustments, perhaps look at offshoots career wise that one might be able to do.
My An is not the only thing I deal with and I can't recall if the An is your only one. Doesn't matter. Your husband might be simply trying to remind you of what teaching would be for you. It's painful to accept that you can't? Hence the blue.
Am hoping that you are able to find new outlets in some fashion.
The hard part is to find a new "purpose" in life....."early retirement" when not chosen by oneself can be a hard thing to cope with, I know.
Be strong, and open some new doors for yourself.
Sending you tons of good wishes and healing,
W.
i feel blue today. why today, i don't know. i had surgery 6 1/2 years ago (4 cm) and subsequent brain swelling so they had to go in again and remove some brain tissue to allow room for swelling. I was hospitalized for 7 weeks and outpatient therapies for 6 months. i was 38 and had 2 pre-teen girls. It was a blessing of sorts to not return to a demanding job and be home more to raise my girls. The teenage years are tough and i was able to navigate my family through those years. i have been physically active since then to keep the balance problems from worsening. i have been mentally active-volunteering at first in a hospital, the a part-time job in a science laboratory, learned to knit, refreshed my skills in spanish by taking it for a year and now tutoring a spanish girl to speak english. i now work as a part-time paralegal learning many new things. but i never seem to be satisfied with myself. i feel that if i am not the science teacher that i was then i am a quitter. i make mistakes but usually catch them because i work at my own pace now-not that of a classroom of teenagers. my husband tells me i can't go back to teaching (he too is a teacher). he notices my fatigue and its affect on me. i will have an empty nest soon now that my girls are older and i will be 45. sure i can fill up my life with things and i do but i still wonder if i can be a teacher. am i too old? do students respond well to someone this age and with a half paralyzed face? i also am half deaf. patti
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Patti: i believe that every one on this board can testify to some dramatic alteration or change in their life caused by an AN. In my case this is my 2nd go around and definitely the hardest to deal with. My first AN was removed in 1988 and left me deaf in the lrft ear. I can say it took my wife and I 10 years to rebound from that overall experience. Now I work at our local University-was a Supervisor an heading up fast. Guess what-in 2005 another AN discovered-this time on the right side. My hearing is getting worse to the point I could not converse with my staff so I was asked to step down as Supervisor. This is a State of Kansas job so no decrease in pay but position only. However for over 30 years I have always been in some form of management. This was a blow no kidding to my ego. However like Nancy said above I can still walk and talk and perform my duties-just not in the capacity I would like. Well i have been humbled 10 times over since I was asked to step down. I get blue and down like all human beings-but pick myself back up and go on using my talents to the best of my ability. Yesterday we went to a local Audiologist to be fitted with a Hearing Aid. So she fitted me with this temp until we can decide on brand and best hearing service. I finnally could talk to her and my wife without having to cup my hands over ears to hear. Now I am pretty stoic but the emotion was too much- I broke down and cried in front of her. Sometimes these things can get the best of you-now I know how fornutate I was to have one sided hearing. My career is most likely shot-but life is not built on what I want anymore I guess. Hang in there-you are a worthwhile person. Thoughts and Best Wishes-Ron
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Hey Patti,
Sounds like you have so far had a great adventurous life that most of us would envy...overachiever I see.....as far as teaching, have you thought about teaching for a small private school where the classes are smaller, or a learning institute? or even and adult english class,.....these posisitons are always in demand because most individuals want the full time work etc, but it sounds like it would be a good option for you....at the very least if you ran a private ad re private tutor, I bet you would be too busy to count the hours......
I have no idea why anyone would want to teach high school kids these days so bless you for trying...and if you are determined,,,how about being ateacher aide...in one or two classes, then you can see how you would handle the situation....see if it wears you out etc.....
either way,,,,you sound like you do a lot of interesting things so dont downplay what you do have....I have what most people think is a really exciting job, but to me it is now blah...been there, done that sort of thing....so it really is all a matter of perspective anyway....good luck and hang in there..remember,,,if you just want a listening board, we are here for you.
Ceeceek
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Patti,
How about trying for a substitute teacher in a school you want to teach? It will give you an idea what the load is and whether or not you can handle it as well as get used to the school's classroom layout and their hallways that might give you trouble. Also Ceecee has a good idea about private tutoring. It might be easier for you because it is at somebody's house and is much quieter. Schools always need tutors when students are absent due to prolonged illness, so called "bedside instruction". You might want to inquire about that.
After my AN I also found that I need to look for jobs that allow me to work at my own pace and without any crazy overtime. It is hard to find but possible. I do not have a career, that is true. The positive side of the story is that I have time to sleep, exercise and eat right, all of it being very important for our well-being and daily functioning. I am extremely prone to being overweight but my weight is perfect. High cholesterol runs on both sides of my family but mine is perfect also. There is a silver lining in a story. If I did not have my AN, I would have been overweight (if not obese), overworked, overstressed, underslept, career-obsessed mother of two who would be on cholesterol and blood pressure lowering medications and heading for a heart attack anyway.
Plus, when you do have an empty nest, you can devote time to yourself just to rest after a stressful day and prepare for the next one, so working all day might not be that stressful after all. Best of luck!
Eve
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i am so glad i turned to this forum today. family and friends just don't totally understand. i feel so understood and much better-just to have support. thanks for listening. the suggestions are good. i will give some thought to them. you all make me feel good!!!!!!
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Hello Patti,
I think it's wonderful that you had the opportunity to stay home with your children through the teen years. That is so rewarding. Now that they are leaving the nest it's a natural time to rethink what you want to be doing. There are many different opportunities for you if you are a teacher. People before me have had some wonderful suggestions.
I was able to go back to teaching after only being off for 8 weeks. I did come back to a brand new class of students. They were 3rd graders. I was a bit nervous about going back with facial paralysis. It turned out to be good for me though. Luckily, I've been able to rebuild my balance almost back to normal and have adapted to the SSD. Unlike many people on here, noise doesn't really bother me. I've always been fairly good at tuning out things that I'm not focusing on. lol My sisters say I had selective hearing even before my surgery.
Hope you are feeling better. Good luck to you in your many choices.
Jean
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HI Patti,
I went back to lecturing 18-24 year olds a few weeks after CK, but that was NOT the smartest decision I ever took. It was hell for me. I work in a studio classroom situation with no formal teaching, more one to one tutoring. 45 students in a studio is a lot! it was impossible to keep the noise levels down so my performance was abissmal! Only in the last 3 months have i managed to convice the college here to give me a separate office where I can see a small group of 2-3 students at any one time. I'm more productive, work is more intense and NO NOISE! Wonderful. It's not the perfect solution in some ways, but I will need to reorganise my way of working after this first 3 months period.
Any possibility for you to teach adults? Small classes? Do private tuition? I think the key is not to get back into a classroom situation or a school with lots of noise. Something small and on a more human contact level.
Good luck with your work, I'm sure you can find some way of getting back into it in some way without having all the hassle and stress and noise that is associated with teaching in a school. Of course, your situation is probably totally different than mine so I probably have no idea what I'm talking about! :)
ciao
Lorenzo
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I saw your note and if I may quote "Anthony Robbins" (or similar)
Its not so much "how capabable am i now ?"
More "what else, or how else, can I do it now ?"
Basically I, we, you, all have changes that we have to adapt to
Maybe we cant exactly do the "old job"
- the changes mean its unwise to try ?
So we need to seek the ways and means to apply our talents and skills to a format
that sits within those changes
In your case - you can still teach - but smaller numbers perhaps ?
So the question is - what type of teaching/environment
always prefers smaller class sizes say 8-12 ?
How do I get these positions ?
Do I need further qualifications ?
Who do I need to approach ? etc etc
Think in terms of application of existing skills
to a suitable environment/work place
I think it will be more rewarding in the long term
Best Regards
Tony
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Private schools have positions for special needs students, specially talented teachers, and smaller student teacher ratios. Private schools have a crying need for well educated teachers.
I have a B.S. Ed in Secondary Education. I taught for an Episcopal school in a classroom that was carpeted: we brown bagged lunch in our classes and never had to deal a gymnaisium settings for meals or events. We attended a beautiful chapel once a week. The staff meetings were very cozy and informal. I loved it! I'd go back there today, if I needed to come out of retirement.
I teach ladies to quilt now, and do well enough with it.
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Hi Patti,
I'm sorry to hear that you are so down. My daughter, Chelsea, who had this monster of an AN tumor and horrible complications but is now doing well in her recovery, is thinking that teaching is calling her name. I told her of the stories that current teachers have posted here and the difficulties some of them have retuning to the class room after treatment. I also told her about one of my clients that is a teacher with the local school district that teaches kids that are hospitalized and are in recovery. She used to teach in a regular classroom setting adn enjoyed that but equally like the position she has now. I'm sure there is a demand for teachers in many areas that would suit your needs as well as my daughters. I think you should give it a try. What do you have to lose? Good Luck. Michelle
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it's funny with me. when life is calm and i am exercizing regularly and my children are needing me less and i feel well-i start feeling guilty for being on disability-hence my blue mood. i try to remember that i am on disability for exactly that reason-to better cope with life and be healthy. i. like so many of us, only feel normal when life is hectic and stressful. i did that for so many years. it seems like everyone else gets praise for their hard work ethic through a sickness (elizabeth edwards, jim snow, and friends of mine). i have to fight the desire for praise daily (don't worry-i see a therapist). i am the only person i know who has stepped down from a career. now-on the bright side-thanks to all your support-i do have a mentally and physically healthy life. i am one of a few mothers who can say in all honesty that i have been there for my teenagers-though not always a pretty picture. i have taken on a job (part-time paralegal-12 hours a week) in an office that consists of three people who support me, allow me flexibility, and hired me knowing i have limitations. i can nap daily. i can still learn (knitting, spanish, and paralegal things). you all had great suggestions for alternative means of teaching, and over the years i have considered many of them, but i always come back to life as it is now. the nice thing about this job is that i leave it at the office. when i was teaching i was thinking of new, creative ways 24-7. it's nice to have a free mind. the ESL volunteering is keeping me in the teaching world. i do feel that if i were to change jobs, i would take your advice and home or hospital teach children. but the lawyer i work for has invested so much of her time and money in me that i want to stay and help her out. all in all, i am usually satisfied in life now, but i really needed you when i began this post and i know i will need you again. i never stop wondering. thanks again. patti
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I salute you Patti. You've been through the mill and seem to be doing well in spite of it all. Kind of like me. I'm doing well. I have my issues but am maintaining a healthy lifestyle nonetheless. Keep up the good work and keep the faith!
Paul
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I agree with them all. I think you have too say can i handle this ! think about you for a change. and dont be pressured. If you want to work then do it.But at your pace.. I am on disability . but i wish I could go back to driveing a bus.. I miss the Kids and they miss me . but, I know that I cant risk the life of children jsut to satisfy my need. I have double vision and headaches.. so if this note is off forgive me. btu i am trying to get back in the swing of things...Good luck and Giod bless
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Patti.Your story is so like mine in a way. My tumor was rimoved in03 and I was 43 then. My children are 15 and 17 and 22 and I am on disability. I do get to be involved in my kids lives more and that is great. I used to work full time in a factory and I know I would'nt be doing all these things and have the time to, if I'd be at the factory. I volinteer at the hospital and also at a preschool too. I stay busy, but I know the"empty nest" days are coming and it bothers me too. I'd say to you , go teach, maybe sub. There is something about work that gives you a sense of personal satisfaction. Go for it. I give up. I except my ss but it took a while. I am too slow for factory life now and thats all I ever did for 25 years.
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Hi,
I'm a newbie and had to leave teaching due to an AN with an 80% hearing loss in my right ear. It was extremely difficult to hear students over background noise, and to determine the direction of sound ('cause there are always a few teens who try to test). Forget about trying to hear the announcements! Compounding the noise factor, I have ADHD, so it's difficult for me to focus for long periods of time and be organized. The school had me in 5 different classrooms on two different floors. Getting around during the change of classes was very difficult, due to the noise and issues with my balance. My school materials were on a cart. One day they took my elevator key from me, because they needed it for a kid on crutches!
I've applied for vocational services through my state agency and am also trying to get an entry-level position through the state. My goal is to get some training so I can eventually earn close to the amount of money that was coming in before. For now, I just want to have some money coming in and some decent insurance. My current insurance does not pay for hearing aids and has a cap for counseling services.
It took me 5 months to get all of the doctors' forms together to submit to vocational services, and it's a waiting game. They've had the paperwork for nearly a month. I just don't feel very useful right now.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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Salsara,
I know this is a response to a dated thread. (The date you posted I did not even know I had an AN tumor yet, not even a newbie, since then I am a post-op postie)
There is a new thread on “classroom noise� you might want to participate in.
http://anausa.org/forum/index.php?topic=5313.0
I am wondering if you are still teaching or if you made a vocational change since your last and only post
I also started a thread to which Cheza (a newbie from Britain) and I have had an interesting dialogue going about vocational retraining and health insurance.
http://anausa.org/forum/index.php?topic=5318.msg47897#msg47897
It amazes me in the USA - that teachers (and others who work with people) who have SSD do not get and disability compensation, or funded vocational rehabilitation programs to retrain into another field.
If you read the classroom noise thread you will understand Jeff’s (who posted “Château Deaf�) story of retraining from a band teacher to a librarian within the schools. And he lost all hearing in both ears. Have you looked at other areas in education that are outside the mainstream classroom: special ed, curriculum development, library, learning resources evaluation etc?
4 :)
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Patti,
When I read your post and all that you have done and accomplished I feel amazed. Reading between the lines it seems to me you could be anticipating empty nest syndrome. I think most moms do. Try and enjoy your quiet time with your hubby when that happens. Believe me we hounded our kids after they were married for 10 years for grandkids. Well we have 5 grandchildren now, who are the joys of our life. We have babysat, got them off to school , let them spend weekends with us, even go on their vacations with them because we are built in babysitters,attended every school function because Their moms and dads work. They want us to take them trick or treating, we take them to church. We love them dearly and have enjoyed every minute, but after 10 years of this we are getting a little burned out, and need some less responsibily in their upbringing. We bought a RV, which seems crazy because I get vertigo when in a car. But The trick I found out that works is If I'm looking down and reading and don't look at the moving road I'm OK. So far we have gone only within our state. Plenty of beautiful state campgrounds to see. And the people we have met are wonderful. But of course we have already taken the grandkids a couple of times and only went out once by ourselves. We have a trip in December planned for ourselves. We decided to get away once a month. Another thing I started and a possability for you is making a scrapbook for each of my children and family members. I was never creative in that way but I am amazed of how well I am doing. It is something that is fun, time consuming, but very rewarding. My son actually cried when I gave it to him. I made my sister one for her 50th and I am now working on my other sons. It is a way to keep my brain active. Keep in mine we all go through down times and its not nice when its happening, so we all feel for you right now. Try and keep your head up. Life is worth it.
mema
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Patti I know how you feel at times I think I should be at my job but then I realize I wouldnt be able to continue at what is expected or exceptible to the post office. (I am a letter carrier walking route 9yrs ) and they dont want me there if I cant perform the duty I was hired to do.Oh I could do it if I didnt have to do it at there exspectations( I think) but now Im trying to get disability retirement. Not as much money I at times get very depressed but we must carry on Im not advocating drugs but I take Zoloft and iit helps. But there are worse off than us. God be with you Ill pray for you. :'(
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I thank all of you for caring. I am doing much better since my original posting. I know how capable I am. I know my intelligence is there and many other important things. Somehow I came to accept that. In my determination to get back into the classroom, I made arrangements with a former colleague to sit in his classroom (same subject-7th grade science) for an undetermined amount of time. I lasted half a day. I was so bored of hearing the same old lesson that i had taught for 12 years. But more importantly, I found the pace and the environment too much for me too handle. It would undo all the progress I have made for a comfortably paced and sane life. Shortly after that I ran into my old chiropractor (who was the first one to tell me to get an MRI). She is now a science techer. She said "Oh Patti, let me tell you as your physician, you cannot go back to teaching and you should not feel guilty about getting disability. You get it so that you can maintain a healthy life. Working full time would send ypou backwards." I believe her because I trust her. In 7 years no one has told me that (or i haven't listened). My neurosurgeon told me "you don't want to go on disability". Now I definitely do stuggle with the fear of an empty nest which i will have in 9 months (not that i am counting). I have felt very useful not working full time because I have been a good mom and have 2 incredible daughters. I am afraid of feeling not useful with a house that won't get dirty and no school lunches to pack and big dinners for the starving athlete. I definitely am looking foward to alone time with my husband. We have lots of weekend trips in mind already. I want to have a bad behavior party. I am the first of my friends to have an empty nest. I am going to have a no children allowed party and everyone can drink too much, curse, talk dirty , smoke, and go skinnydipping. Funny thing is we probobly don't want to do that anymore but i think it is a funny theme. But after that-I would feel guilty that my husband has 10 more years until he retires. Why do I get a life of leisure? I work 12 hours a week as a paralegal in a lowkey office where i can make my own hours. I do have an idea but I will write about it another day. I have to go to my daughter's field hockey game which will determine if they play in the NYS championships. Patti
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Thanks for sharing Patti.
I have also have 2 girls, taught for over a decade and had a 4cm… and cook dinner for athletes who eat us out of house and home… go figure?
Reading that Windsong posted here, from her past, really makes me wonder (may she rest in peace- she wrote as such a dear soul…)
Your post has really hit home with me. I am not sure what I am going to do. I am currently just trying to return to safely driving the kids in the family van and hoping that the other half of my smile will one day return to my paralyzed face.
Reading that you have had some resolve, since your initial post here, is comforting. This AN journey is something else isn’t it…?
Although we are roughly the same age I think you are a little more ahead of me in the journey…
Thanks again.
Cheers,
4
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dear 4 cm-yes we do have alot in common. how old are your girls? patti