ANA Discussion Forum
Post-Treatment => Cognitive/Emotional Issues => Topic started by: Dog Lover on March 20, 2009, 10:02:51 pm
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It's late - don't know how many responses I'll get before I need to make a decision, but here it is...
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go out for a day with 3 of my cousins - a girly cousin day. Sounds like fun, right? The thing is, one of them - the one that I actually did things with before my surgery (lunch, etc - she works on the same campus that I do, but different company) hasn't said one word to me since my surgery.
We went out to lunch the day before my leave. I didn't make a huge deal of my surgery to anyone because I was totally focusing on the positive, etc. Even after her mother (my aunt) talked to her and told her that yes, it WAS a big deal and a major surgery after my cousin said she didn't think it was any big deal, I still never heard one word from her - not how are you, how you doing..anything. Not a word until they had 2 separate lay offs at work. Then she wrote me an email (to my work address no less) asking me if I still had a job. That's it besides the email saying they were getting together and wanted to know if I wanted to come.
Anyway - ever since I got the round about invite I have had a nagging feeling and have just been unsure if I wanted to go or not. I go back and forth...yes I should go, I'll have fun, I need to get out of the house --- to --- I don't want to go anywhere, I want to stay home and paint, do my taxes, rest, sleep in, etc.
Then it just dawned on me about a 1/2 hr ago... I can't forgive her. I can't forgive her for not even sending an email asking if I was ok or how I was doing. My other 2 cousins stopped by and visited and that was really nice, but not the one who I was closer to. (I can't forgive one of my brothers and his family for the same thing, but that's another story).
I've never felt this way before. I've always been the person who forgives and moves on, but this time it was different. For me, at least. I moved back here 2 years ago after being gone for 10 years. I don't have all the friends and support from them that I had back then with the exception of one friend who stayed good friends with me, and she did what she could but she was dealing with her husband's multiple cancers at the time (and she was still there for me somewhat but was going through her own hell). Also, I'd only lived in my house/neighborhood for about 9 months before my surgery, so didn't really know anyone here yet beyond saying hi when I went for walks.
Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I didn't have any support group. Nothing from work. Nothing from far away friends, and even from some of my family. If it wasn't for my aging parents and my youngest brother and my adult kids, I don't know what I would have done. :-\
I guess I feel like I"ve always been there for friends / family. Calling, sending flowers, helping out if I can when friends / family have illnesses, surgeries, problems, but when I needed some support there just wasn't much there. I'm guess I'm having a hard time accepting that.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm keeping score...because I"m truely not like that, but I guess that I feel like I"ve always been there for others, and when I went through one of the hardest things in my life, where was everyone?
I just don't think I can go tomorrow. I feel selfish, childish, resentful, hurt....but I dont' think I can do it. :'(
Thanks for listening to me and welcome to my pity party.
Cathy
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Cathy~
WOW! That is a really tough call. I think the most important thing is that you are now able to realize what is really going on & how you feel about the situation. I think whether you go tomorrow is going to depend on how you really feel about the other 2 AND if you can stomach a whole day with the one that shunned!! I would be VERY hurt also. I had a similar situation with a very close friend when my father passes away - it wasn't directly me, but it was a very hard time for me none-the-less. We are no longer friends, for many reasons, but i think that was when I realized what she was truly made of. I am probably a lot like you in that I am THERE for my friends...she is not because she is very self-centered. That was the catalyst that made me start to see what she was really like. In her defense, I don't think that she KNOWS what to do in tough situations (deaths, illnesses, etc.) because I don't think it was modeled to her in her family - that doesn't make it right, just what I have observed with her. However, if you have 3 cousins that grew up in the same family & 2 came to see you, that kind of blows that theory. I think I am just rambling and have probably been no help here! I would say that if you don't go with them, get out & do something for YOU (& mainly to get out of the house)! That is a tough situation - I will say a quick prayer for you right now.
K
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I think you should just go and find out if you like it. You may find that after half an hour, you are ready to go home, and that you are just not interested. Or you may find yourself still with them hours later, unwilling to break up the party.
I think quite a few people have difficulty dealing with major medical events in others. My brother in law was diagnosed with cancer last year, and our family is still pretty round-about-ish when it comes to discussing it. When mortality looms large, many people want to hide their head in the sand. They just don't know what to say.
One of the reasons this forum works is that everyone is in the same boat, or at least similar boats. We all know what we want and need from others, and it doesn't take long to figure out what others probably want and need from us.
I would pick a day out over doing my taxes, anyway. ;)
Steve
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Hi I had a so called friend like this, i gave her the chance to see if she had changed (no she hadent) so i dont make contact with her any more, (and i had done so much for her in the past), i have a loving family and a circle of good friends who care ,i dont need that in my life, but go along and test the water see how you get on you might enjoy it, even if she is there and doesnt mention it you will know whos your friends and whos not.
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Hello Cathy,
I'm sorry that your cousin is being so inconsiderate of your situation. I understand what you are going through. I just was recently diagnosed this past Jan. and will have my surgery in April. I've had more support from my friends and this forum than I have from my family. I know how frustrated you are. I believe one of the reasons you are so frustrated is because you know how you would handle the situation if it was your cousin that was ill. You would be there for them, you'd offer to help, you'd check up on them to see how they were doing, you would help in whatever way you could. I know you don't want to forgive your cousin or your family, but you can. B Don't waste your time and energy feeling bitter towards them. Hopefully they will come around and will become the supportive family that they should be. I would go to lunch with your cousins. Show your cousin that you are a strong person and don't let her have the satisfaction of robbing your joy. Enjoy the company of your other two cousins. Have you discussed with them your frustration towards your other cousin? For me, since I've found out my diagnosis, I'm finding out who my true friends are. I have family members that haven't even called me to see how I'm doing. I've also had some that I haven't been in contact with that much and they are in touch with me now. Be patient, it may take time , but hopefully your cousin will come around. Remember you always have friends and support here. Send me a PM anytime.
Take care,
Laura
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Everyone has a different ways of dealing with trauma, she probably doesn't know how to deal with it, and too embarrassed to say. Her logic may be if she totally ignores it then she is not making a big scene in the hope that it will be a calming influence on you? If you find a guy on street after an accident and its pretty obvious he is in a very bad way, do you run around like a headless chicken or just be calm cool "almost" off hand about the situation, so he doesn't panic?
I saw it in my mother, her best friend from school days was diagnosed with cancer and only had a few months left, and Mum didn't want to visit her or go to the funeral. I asked her why, and she said she wants to remember her as she used to be, and couldn't face seeing her so sick and didn't want to accept she has died, by not going to the funeral she feels her life long chum is still just a flight away. While I cant see it and to me it reeks of kidding yourself, but what I did see was she was very torn up inside but couldn't or refuse to show it. Different strokes for different folks.
Anyway having just become a postie myself and have a second lease on life, I figure life is to short and precious to worry about these things, it could all boil down to someone looking at a situation from a totally different perspective.
Forgive and forget and we all move on to better things.
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Hopefully they will come around and will become the supportive family that they should be. I would go to lunch with your cousins. Show your cousin that you are a strong person and don't let her have the satisfaction of robbing your joy. Enjoy the company of your other two cousins. Laura
Hi Cathy - yes, i have this scenario, too - so what to do, what to do? If you enjoy the two cousins, then giving it a try might work, and at least you know they care. (Why let the third cousin spoil the fun?)
My relative has been thru much with the death of parents and although i think she cares, will NOT deal with other people's health issues. In fact, the e-mail response i got was: we are all getting old, past our prime, falling apart. OMG!!! At 53, i don't think i am there QUITE yet, though i am no longer thinking of things like having more children. :)
I know i cannot spend too much time with those in the negative - i don't want or need that!
I hope today is a GOOD day for you and you find joy in whatever you do!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know you will do what is best for you.
Sincerely,
Sue
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Hi Cathy,
I am very sure you are hurt and angry about being ignored by your cousin during a time when you were facing a big challenge. I wrestled with that same feeling when my husband and I lost a baby. Our second little boy was stillborn, and one of my very best friends had little or nothing to say about it. It bothered me for years until I finally understood that a) she had no real experience with that sort of situation and had no idea how to respond, and b) she is the kind of person who avoids all awkward/confrontational kinds if situations. I have since forgiven her and moved on.
Having said that, I would go and enjoy the other two cousins. If you have the opportunity and it comes up, I would be tempted to just "mention" what a traumatic experience your surgery was ;). Maybe she will be moved to say something about it. If not, it should not be your problem. I guess I am like a lot of the other posties and realize that life it too precious to dwell on the negatives things. Glory in the company of people you love, every chance you get! Have a pity party if you need to, but don't let it stop you from having a good time.
Priscilla
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Well, I decided not to go, but ended up for different reasons. You all are right...I can't let stuff like that keep me from going out and doing things because in the end the only one I hurt is myself.
Deciding factor was that my stomach was upset this morning (still off, but not horrible). That and I found out what they planned to do...go watch someone tap some maple trees. I didn't find that appealing to me, so I bowed out, visited with some "real" friends on the phone this morning, did some more planning for an group we are organizing (Animal Resource Foundation - a fund raising group to help animal rescue groups, rescue dogs, etc. with expenses, such as vet bills and accomidations to help the animals). In a bit I'm heading down to my folk's house and am going to spend some time with my mom. It's a beautiful day so I can get her out, too and we can have some good mum/daughter time together. That works for me. :)
Thanks for your responses. Sometimes Friday nights are hard....I'm exhausted from the week and things always seem worse when I'm tired.
Cathy
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I ended up having a GREAT day. I picked up my mom and we went to the casino. I've never been there before, but she's a regular. ;) We went to a "craft show" first and then meandered over to the casino part. BEAUTIFUL place - very high end. They even have a no-smoking gambling section and it was nice.
I'm not much of a gamble (actually been about 2 or 3 times ever) but I figured what the heck. I had $20 in my purse. I played the penny machines (makes it last longer) and eventually walked away $55 richer! What a fun afternoon. ;D
Oh, and I have to say that there were a LOT of people there, lots of lights flashing and movement, watching the spinning of the slot machines, music in the background and eventually a live band. AND I DID GREAT!!
I have to admit that I was pooped when we left and just went home instead of staying at my folk's for dinner, and a TINGE of wonky headedness, but considering the amount of stimulation that I had today, I'm pleased with my outcome. (Hope I'm still feeling this way tomorrow!) LOL.
Cathy
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Cathy:
I understand why you would be hurt. Sometimes people surprise us and do not respond or support us as we would have expected them. Sometimes we expect people to do what we would if the shoe was on the other foot. I know that sometimes people do not reach out because they do not want to deal with a major surgery, illness or whatever. But it’s not about them it’s about the person that needs their support. It’s selfish of them, I know. You do not have to hang out or deal with your cousin if you do not choose to, but you should forgive her. You need to forgive her for you.
I was also hurt because one of my friends and my husband’s family were not there for me. I can’t say I have forgiven them but I am working on it and know that I have to forgive.
I am glad you went out with your Mom and had a wonderful time.
Sonja
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cathy-i had some of those situations after my surgery. it was so baffling why certain good friends did not call or visit. the thing is, i love them. so i stopped waiting and pushed myself back into their lives. these friends don't feel comfortable with sickness. one, in particular, was too scared and wanted to give me privacy (which i did not ask for). that's how she rolls in her own life. i know she loves me. we are better friends now. the other i still can't quite figure. she has a very hectic life and her own health problems. and i went to my class reunion the week before surgery and had so much concern from so-called friends but never heard from them again. i didn't love them so it didn't matter. so i guess my advice is-if you love your cousin, get back into her life. when you are back, if you don't feel the love-then move on. patti
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Cathy ~
I encountered your original post too late to offer any advice but I'm pleased to learn that things worked out quite well. Congratulations on your winnings and for having such a pleasant day!
I'm a believer in forgiving (really forgiving, not just saying the words with no meaning behind them) because when you harbor ill feelings, it usually hurts you a lot more than the person you're busy resenting - for whatever reason. However, that doesn't mean that by forgiving you're obligated to be lifelong friends with the person in question. You can remain friendly, (no snide remarks or pointed refusals to associate with them) but diplomatically avoid a lot of optional social contact and excursions, such as the one you didn't attend. Whether or not the other person notices or cares about your absence, you'll remain open and civil but avoid having to 'hang out' with someone that will, inevitably, arouse negative emotions in you that are totally unproductive and unnecessary.
Here's hoping you have a rapid recovery from your casino excursion and can enjoy spending your winnings! ;)
Jim
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Cathy:
It is not easy being a forgiving person. I'm one who tends to hold a grudge, but I try to focus on the positive.
In my case I'm so grateful to have the wonderful people who did help me out before and esp. after my AN surgery. My sister and her family let me stay at their home for 2 wks after my surgery. My brother and his family also made a room available for me if I needed it. There were other folks that demonstrated they cared by calling my family for updates on my condition or by visiting me when I was able to take visitors at home.
On the other hand, my mother--yes, I said mother--and 2 other siblings never visited me in the hospital. I can understand that it wasn't easy visiting me in a hospital in another town. But for geez sake, we live in the same town--they never came to visit me at my sister's house or even my own home. The more I thought about it, the more grateful I was that they didn't visit me. These folks are not the most cheerful bunch, and I didn't need to hear anything that would bring me down and affect my recovery. So instead of holding a grudge I'm grateful some folks stayed out of my way during such a difficult time.
So, Cathy, may I suggest you focus on those who were there instead of wasting valuable energy thinking about those that should have been there.
Syl
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All good advice and I agree. My cousin may even be a bit easier to forgive, or at least forget...my brother on the other hand...that one will take some work.
Focusing on the positive is most definately more productive and a better way to spend my energy on.
Thank you all.
Cathy
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Your post really hit home with me. About 10 years ago, my best friend died of lupus complications. I went through the sickness with her and watching her die really affected me in a negative way. I am the type that doesn't have really close friends, always been that way, just a loner. Her illness and death was so hard. I made another friend a couple of years ago, and she was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months ago and had to move to another part of town because of finances (we were neighbors). She had great family support, but I wonder now if she needed me more than I knew? She died yesterday and even before I read your post, I have been feeling guilty for not being there for her more than I was. I just couldn't watch someone else die right in front of me again. Before she got sick, we had talked about how hard it was to watch my other friend die, though, and I pray she understood. After talking to her daughter, I think she did because she didn't tell me how bad the diagnosis was. We talked about every other day on the phone, but I just couldn't physically "watch" her die. Perhaps I would have been there more if she had no other support. I think I would have, but don't know. Doesn't mean, though, that she didn't need me. Now I have to work on forgiving myself and part of that will begin when I go to the funeral. Please don't hate me for being like your cousin.
Perhaps your cousin just couldn't handle it. Try to forgive, if you can, as holding a grudge can become a cancer for you.
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Cathy,
It's a shame the thread for the link below is in 'Archives" and I may ask to have it moved to this forum... about that leave our lives in time of need.....
http://anausa.org/forum/index.php?topic=966.0
6 pages of suggestions, rants, feedback, love and support. Like you, I experienced it a few years ago... and even to today... and it may be worth a read as many that contributed to the thread give some wonderful insight, brutal honesty and support.
Just a thought. Please hang in there.... and know we are all here for you.
xo
Phyl
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Cathy, I am coming in here after the fact, being you didn't go, but it still sounds like you had a positive/productive day. I agree with the previous posts about feeling hurt, but want to add that we simply cannot get inside other peoples brains (although someone's been in ours - literally :D ) I had two responses from friends which seemed cold or undramatic, but they were for two totally different reasons. The first was a colleague who I hadn't spoke with for some time, and seemed indifferent. I got a call from her 10 days after surgery inquiring of my health and apologizing profusely for "writing you off" because from what she thought brain surgery meant inevitable death (even I had images of Lee Atwatyer prior to dx). She had begun separating herself mentally from me as a defensive technique until 7 days after surgery when her husband had to have brain surgery! (malignent, but he is doing great.) It took that event for her to realize technology and doctors proficiency had come a long way, and we should think differently. I had lunch with another friend who was shocked to hear of my trials after surgery, and confided it didn't register with her because 1) I had downplayed it, and 2) she figured "It's Julie - she'll sail though this".
The important part is communication to get though the misconcepts, and often we have to take the first step; and then realizing forgiveness is what it's all about. I hope enough time has passed to heal your heart, but don't wait so long it hardens?!, and you can do lunch soon.
Kind Regards to Animal Lovers,
Jules
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Thanks Phyl for bumping the thread forward. It brought back a lot of memories, because my very first posting is in there. It is amazing how heart wrenching it is when we feel abandoned by our friends and family. I'm going through a major issue at the moment with my cousin. As couples we were going to go on a cruise to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. After a lot of gentle prompting from my husband and a tremendous amount of thought I decided against it. As many of you know I suffer from facial pain, headaches and dizziness. My husband really wanted to just go to an island and relax. So I started looking on line and than Louie and I decided to book. I made a huge mistake in not telling my cousin what we decided to do. She's devastated and I get that, but I've apologized and bared my soul to her. Now she will not forgive me.
Our sons share the same birthday. Her son Ryan was 22 yesterday and my son Anthony was 19. She had a gathering last night and of course we were invited. She ignored me most of the evening and when I did try to make conversation with her she was very, very cold and miserable towards me. Her husband told my husband at my girlfriend's 50th birhtday party that Teresa feels like I pulled the rug out from under her and I've pushed her a side. Louie explained to him about my health issues and his concern about me really enjoying a cruise. Louie also apologized. After last evening I now know she probably will not forgive me. The funny thing is another couple (my youngest son's Godparents) were also going to go on the cruise with us, but when I called them told them how we've changed our minds and booked an island instead,and the reason why, she was so happy for us. We extended the invitation to everyone, but because of work schedules that isn't going to work.
My heart is broken, I love Teresa. As families we have done so much together. As a friend she also knows what the past few years have been like for me. I am a very giving, compassionate, loyal person. She has always been included in all of my gathers, even with my in-laws and gosh they are a treat. She has friends that she has know for years and has never included me when she has had parties and get togethers with them. I've never complained. I brought her into all of my circles of friends without any hesitation. It wouldn't be normal if she wasn't included. My broken heart will mend, but I will never forget my side of this. As someone said, people come and go in our lives for a reason.
Cathy you are a survivor, just like everyone on this forum. We do what we have to do to get through. I'm looking it at a loss for the other person, because they are missing out on our friendship, and all that we have to offer them. Life goes on.......a bit painful at times but it certainly goes on.
Anne Marie
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I think this is all about communicating, too. She didn't realize the severity of your surgery as you downplayed it a bit, and maybe she felt like you didn't confide your fears to her, and so felt left out somehow. And then, she probably is one of those that doesn't handle this kind of thing well and perhaps she just doesn't know how to deal with the fact that you had surgery on your head! Is it possible to have a quiet talk with your cousin and say, "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you more about what was going on with me and my illness. I was scared and down played the enormity of it all. And then when you didn't express concern for me, I was hurt. I feel a barrier between us now and I don't want that. Can we talk about this?" Or words to that effect. You need to give her a chance to tell her side of the story. Then you can decide if she is going to be a positive influence in your life and if your relationship can continue as it was, or if things have changed between you for good. Since she is a friend and a relative, it would be nice if you two could get back together.
Crossing my fingers that this all works out for you and her,
Sue in Vancouver USA
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Anne Marie:
You've done your best by explaining and apologizing to your cousin. Give her time. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. You don't need the stress and hardship that a rocky relationship can add to all that your are already going through.
Syl
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Ann Marie ~
I always find it sad when relatives become cold, hard and unforgiving over relatively minor issues, like your not going on a cruise with your cousin. Really. How serious is something like that? Frankly, I just feel pity for those who are so self-centered and petty as to make some perceived slight a rationale for cutting you dead. However, this is clearly hurtful to you and it may well be a case of mis-communication, but then, from what you posted, it appears as if you and your husband practically groveled to your cousin, explained the situation (your health issues), apologized profusely and still, she's decided to be angry, no matter what. From your account of your history with this woman, it appears to be a one-sided 'relationship' and while I agree with Sue that it's 'nice' to have cordial relations with family, sometimes we have to face the reality of who these people really are and what the relationship really is, rather than what we would like it to be. In this case, the cousin appears to be determined to play the victim with you as the 'villain'. If this split is truly important to you, as it seems to be, then I would seriously consider attempting to talk it out and explain - not just why you canceled the cruise, but why you did so without informing her of your plans, first, which, I suspect, is the real source of her animus toward you, although I'm speculating and of course, could be mistaken. If she won't talk to you civilly, perhaps a letter might be a better tactic. In any case, I'm sorry to learn of your anguish over this unfortunate incident and hope it can be either remedied or surmounted in some way.
Jim
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Thank you Syl, Sue and Jim for your support. Jim, you always amaze me with your thoughtful words. Life is life and it is to be lived and enjoyed. I am going to step back now from my cousin. I will always welcome her and her family in my life. Jim you are so right about Louie and I grovelling. We've laid our cards out on the table. She told me in a telephone conversation a few weeks ago, that we are relationship is stronger than this and we will be able to raise above it. I am now moving forward. My beloved husband and my four handsome sons are the most important thing to me, other than my health. It was because of my health, my husband urged me to really think about the cruise.
By the way we leave three weeks tomorrow for the Dominican Republic. I'm so excited. A whole week of just Louie and I. No cooking, laundry or housework. I'm not even going to think about what the house is going to look like.......
Cathy, since you and your cousin and my cousin and I aren't doing to well, do want to be my cousin? We all ready have amazing friendship on the forum, I think we can be great relatives! ;)
Hang in there girlfriend, we have so much more life to live and so much more of ourselves to give.
Anne Marie
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Anne Marie
Cathy, since you and your cousin and my cousin and I aren't doing to well, do want to be my cousin? We all ready have amazing friendship on the forum, I think we can be great relatives!
Hooray!! I have a new cousin!! Not only that, but you understand. ;D
I guess at least my cousin has made an effort to contact me and include me. Haven't heard a peep from my brother or his family. :(
Lots of things to think about. Thank you all for your kind words and advice.
My goodness - it's not like we didn't go through enough already and then have to deal with this kind of crap? :'(
Cathy
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Microsoftfree
Please don't hate me for being like your cousin.
OMG. You can't think like that!!! I have a hard time thinking that anyone could or would hate anyone over something like this. For me, just an intense feeling of being hurt.
And another thought for you...there are more ways to be supportive than to just be there in person to hear of all of their thoughts and what not. There is also the kind of support that you gave -- talking to her regularly on the phone, giving her a chance to just be normal...forget about her health problems and just have a friend to talk to. I'm betting you were more support than you give yourself credit for. Seriously.
Cathy
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Thank you for that, Cathy. I went to the service last night and realized that very few people knew how bad she was. Gave me a degree of comfort for not being physically present. She donated her body to science in hopes that some progress could be made in cancer research. May she rest in peace.
Anne Marie, always take care of yourself first...otherwise, you won't be available for your family and they need you.
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Hey cousin Cathy, how are you? ;)
Wise words Microsoftfree!!
Anne Marie
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yeah good advise from all! i worked for a total of 19 years for my cousins florist shop and ha i saw him and his cheating wife through some rough times.well long story short, they only called me once after my 18 and a half hour surgery where everything that could possibly go wrong did and that was to say we need to know if and when you're coming back to work because we need to make the schedule! been 4 years and i havent heard from them since! ofcourse i never got to go back to work. am really disabled now but boy that hurt alot! i always believed we were very close. i cant say that i forgive them but i dont let it hurt me anymore. i kinda feel like they no longer exist and the only thing i miss there now is the job.(i was head floral designer)guess when you have a life threatening medical condition that folks dont understand you need to grow callous on your emotions. we all have enough to deal with in that department without adding to it by letting anyone make us even sadder and more depressed. there are always more folks in the world who will love you for who you are rather than who you were and though not many understand there are still those who will try like your other 2 cousins. so dont harbor unforgiveness just have no feelings at all toward that person because if they really cared they would try instead of doing nothing. p.s. they never even sent me flowers!
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So sorry you had to go through all of that crap with your cousin and his wife. You are right about not "habouring unforgiveness". I think with my Catholic up bringing, the guilt would eat me alive. I need to sleep at night. The nerve of them, not sending you flowers!!! They probably couldn't arrange the flowers as beautifully as you and were too embarrassed ;)
Anne Marie
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Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. Don't know if I forgive (yet anyway) but I also don't really dwell on it - well, unless something like the backhanded invite last week.
Cousin Anne Marie - I was raised Catholic, too. Boy the guilt never really goes away, does it?? LOL...
Cathy
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Cousin Cathy,
Nope the guilt NEVER goes away!!!! Maybe that is a good thing in the entire scheme of things.
Anne Marie
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Hi,
When I was dx in March 31 of 08, I told a good friend of mineof 20 years, about my dx, she told me that she would be right over to see me. Well today, is Sunday, March 29th 2009 and I'm still waiting.
The bottom line for me is when my brother was dying the same time I was dealing with my AN, I found out very quickly who was there for me and who was not. I once saw a movie (wish I could remember the title) where the character said, "People continue to surpise me", the other character responded by saying "really, they continue to scare the hell out of me".
I have discovered that dealing with my AN, I am blessed with a wonderful husband, three great children, my parents, a couple of my siblings, a few close friends and a few close co-workers. What else gives me strength is each day I start with a prayer, each night I say goodnight to may brothers picture.
Keep the failth,
LisaP ;D
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What else gives me strength is each day I start with a prayer, each night I say goodnight to may brothers picture.
:'( ohhh...that brought tears to my eyes... :'(
Lisa, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with your brother's death in addition to all of the other stuff associated with your AN.
If you need some more supportive relatives, I'm sure Ann Marie and I could become YOUR cousins, too. ;D
Cathy
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Sorry for your troubles, I feel for you I have the same problems with my parents and brothers they never asked how I was doing or even come to visit before or after my surgery they didn't even send a card. But, I now I can't work things out with my father because before we got past the issue he had a major heart attack and passed away a couple of weeks ago. This has now put a bigger wedge between me and one of my brothers and my mother. So, I don't know if I can give you any advice other than this in your heart forgive them totally. But, remember you do not have to put yourself into the situation again you have the choice to leave them alone or accept them again.
I would also add that some people can't handle bad news like this and would rather deny it then deal with it.
Anyway, good luck!
In your service
Roger
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wow this forum never ceases to amaze me! i feel un-alone when i read that so many of you have had or continue to have the same issues ...even down to the reactions of others. it really makes me feel saner and a little less down on myself for the mean person i feel ive become. makes me even angrier that ana wont let me start a support group in my area though. i really think it would help so much ...not just for me but for others and possibly those family members who cant or wont deal. for now im sad all you guys have the same bad issues i do but im happy im not alone. kinda a double edged sword. thanx though for being here. guess we all gotta just keep on trying the best we know how.
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makes me even angrier that ana wont let me start a support group in my area though. i really think it would help so much ...
Can you schedule a group lunch with people from your area and perhaps build on that? You wouldn't have to be an officially sanctioned support group affiliated with the ANA, but I don't see how they could stop you from getting together with anyone you want to.
Sara
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hey sara, yeah id really like to do something like that. i'm just not sure how to find the ANers or vestibularly disturbed folks in my area. i thought ana would help me do that but they wont. maybe i have to take an ad in the paper or something. it might work now that the weather is getting nicer. i live in a very rural area on the side of a mountain but i am not too far from a city. thanx for the advice. kerri
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Cathy,
I totally understand your situation. I've had the same issues with my older sister. I have forgiven but unfortunatly I cannot forget.
I think she sometimes believes that my brain surgery was equal to having an ingrown toenail removed! Perhaps one day she and I will be on better terms...but in the mean time I can only pray to God to have mercy on me for my "grudge", because I cannot forget.
Dan
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Dan:
Holding a grudge can eat at you from the inside. Please don't let it do that to you. I think I posted earlier that maybe it's for the best, actually I'm grateful, that those who don't want to help or don't care just stay out of my way and let the rest of us do what needs to be done to help me recover.
Syl
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Well,
We had a big group of pals that did everything together for the last 10 years. Dinner parties, travel, playdates for our children, wine tastings, lake outings, spend the night party's for the girls (big girls/mommy's), the guys were fraternity brothers in college, etc.........We were all buddies from our college days and were in contact on a weekly basis for the last 10 years. After my surgery I never heard from a single one of them and I am talking probably 20 people. Not a get well card, not a phone call, NOTHING! Talk about losing alot of close friends fast. We still don't understand it and have since moved on and made new friends. It was truly amazing and mind boggling. It made me very angry at first then I finally said......to hell with them. I don't waste my time or energy worrying about them because it won't change people's ways. I see it as a blessing in disguise because it forced us to go outside of our comfort zone with our "clique" to find new friends who we thoroughly enjoy just as much! My advice to you as harsh as it may seem is.......move on. You deserve better and there are alot of people in your life that do care and spend time with those folks and leave the selfish, self-absorbed friends/family alone! It worked for me when I lost my entire group of friends that I had for 10 years. Life goes on!
Angie
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What a great dialogue.....After 13+ years of this dilema I have come to believe it is really about them not me. They must have deep seated inability to deal with reality. Why else would a person reject a person/family member? If they don't see you,talk to you they don't have to deal with it. Rejection is the worst emotion there is. The next morning after by husbands sudden death I was out watering his garden and my best ever friend ,who was with me, came out to the garden. She was with me out of love for him and me. I said to her that I got the better of the two events in our lives that devastated us. She was rejected by a husband for another woman....my husband left me because he died....I felt no rejection just sadness. She looked at me with such compassion and love and thanked me. It was true.....she had suffered more than me. Rejection is a terrible offensive feeling. I feel it's not about forgiveness.......it's about the person's inability to deal with their issues not yours. Two weeks after his death I had no social life at all...........they just left...some were friends of some 30 years. They didn't know how to deal with me.....still can't. That's about them not me. I have come to know their shallowness is their issue not mine. I have two wonderful attentive sons, great new friends and a life. They are the same as they were then. I can see them and be friendly and pleasant while they squirm for reasons I am unsure of. Pity is all I feel for them. Same goes for my AN situation.....if some don't get it so be it. No forgiveness necessary.....that's who they are. Someday they will suffer for their behavior and reap the grief upon themselves. I don't allow myself to get caught up in the behavior of others in relationship to me. I just move on behaving, I hope in a responsive way to their circumstances with compassion and understanding. I must answer for MY behavior not that of others.....if I behave in like manner then I am no better than them. I choose not to put myself in circumstances that I know will cause me pain and suffering......but try to react appropriately, like I want to be treated and move forward. If they don't respond....so be it.
It's very hard sometimes to make the move but I am now able to do it because I know and believe there are more wonderful people out there....than there are self oriented and selfish....that are more than willing to give of themselves to help me pass through tough times. You are all here and I am sincerely greatful you are. Such a blessing I have received from people that I have never met yet feel so close to. Ask for help, understanding, prayer, input, understanding and so much more and you receive it......with compassion and speedy response. What more could one ask for.......nothing. God bless each one!
Judy
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Wow. Well said. :)
Cathy
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know what guys? it is really about them and not us. my mom told me more than once "there are many fish in the sea" when i was heartbroken over a bad realationship. i didnt really fully understand that until my AN. she died in 2000 so never even got to know that i had brain surgery or any of this mess. i sure wish she was here so i could tell her i know what she meant. i think you get to know who the "real" caring individuals in your life are when something like this happens. its good in a way like cleaning house to make room for all the other wonderful "fish" that come your way!
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You know what? I got invited for another cousin outing last weekend and I went. Not that I really was thrilled or wanted to go, but I figured that if I don't start going they're going to quit inviting me. So, I went. And to be fair, she has reached out to me a few times, admitedly for the outings, but I went. And I had a good time. I kept it rather short (4 hrs), we toured a historic mansion in the area and went out to lunch and then I had to take off to go to a florist with my daughter to talk wedding flowers. But....I went.
There were 4 of us, so it wasn't like it was just her to talk to. But, I'm glad I went. She still hasn't talked to me directly about it, and from what I've heard, she didn't think that my surgery was supposed to be a big deal (probalby my fault - I intentionly did that because if my mom would have known how serious it was I don't think she would have been able to handle it). So, I forsee that things will improve as time goes by. She has made an effort to reach out to me and maybe that's how she can handle it.
But my brother (and his whole family) on the other hand...as you say, Cheri - their loss.
Thanks for your kind words. :)
Cathy
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Cathy ~
I think you've made a wise decision here. Actually, I believe your formerly estranged cousin's attempt to 'reach out' via a group setting is a good way to initiate contact without it being too awkward for either of you. The mansion tour and luncheon seems to have been adequate contact and not at all unpleasant. So far, so good. Frankly, If you downplayed your AN surgery (to spare your mother - a sensible decision) others will usually respond to it in a like manner, that is, without too much concern other than some tongue-clucking and furrowed brows. I downplayed my surgery (to some) and the folks who received the information that way (acquaintances, mostly, not real friends) reacted with breezy good wishes and rarely ever mentioned it again, once I was out and about (about two weeks after my discharge from the hospital). I would bet this is a common reaction if you downplay your situation. Most folks don't really want to deal with other people's serious medical problems and soft-peddling AN surgery gives them an 'out' that almost all will take. The folks I downplayed my surgery to later asked "so, you're O.K. now, right?" I always answered in the affirmative - and that was pretty much the end of it as far as they (and I) were concerned.
If you continue tol feel your brother and "his whole family" are still persona non grata with you, that is certainly your prerogative.
Kind words are in good supply here, Cathy and Cheri has her fair share to spread around to those worthy of them. :)
Jim