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Survivors remorse or just depression

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Soundy:
I think I am having a bit of depression , my doctor says I have survivors remorse

I have a friend who lost a son to an undiagnosed brain tumor about 6 months before my surgery... he was sick at his stomach one day, vomiting the next treated for virus and dead the third day ... autopsy fund a large benign tumor of unknown origin... no symptoms til it nudged his brain stem a little too hard and he was just gone

have a friend now that has a 2 year old grandson with a cancerous brain tumor that has had two surgeries and is on second round of chemo ... one day the doctors think they have a handle on it the next day they are not sure ... check out public page on facebook Pullin" For JC

Last week I lost a friend in Anniston Alabama to a cancerous brain tumor... she helped me through the worst of my AN adventure... she was 45 and left three girls behind with no mom just as the youngest is beginning college... she was told that they had got it and then it came back ... but they did more treatment and said it was shrinking ... talked to her a few days before she died ... her and her family were making plans and then she is gone ... we all thought she was gonna lick it

I am tired , mopey, can't accomplish many tasks around house because all this is on my mind and I start thinking "why am I still here?" ... I pray and feel at ease for a while then fall back into wondering ... doctor wants me to go into therapy and heavy duty  drug treatment ... I think a low dose of an antidepressant and a little time and I will bounce back  ... he thinks I am feeling guilty for being alive when these others have passed on... I think I am just a little down and will not go into any heavy duty treatment ...

anyone have anything like this post survival of AN treatment or surgery???

just venting I guess...thanks for being here   

Echo:
Hi Soundy,

It sounds to me like you are experiencing a very real, intense and justified grief for a dear friend lost.  Depression would be completely understandable. Because of our AN's, we can identify with those we hear or read about who are diagnosed with brain tumors whether benign or malignant.  What makes your situation extra difficult, is knowing directly about the loss of 3 individuals to invasive brain tumors. Two losses being children, which at anytime is difficult to process.

Whenever I read or hear of someone diagnosed with a brain tumor I feel a lump in my throat initially.  I feel compassion for them because I know they are facing a difficult road ahead. I feel sad that in many cases their outcome will not be as good as mine.  I don't question why I'm still alive, there is no easy answer to that question. I try to focus on the good things about my life and find ways to pay it forward. I hope you start to feel better soon. 

Cathie



 

arizonajack:

--- Quote from: Soundy on January 19, 2015, 05:11:40 pm ---doctor wants me to go into therapy
--- End quote ---

Good advice. Heed it.

My sister walked out of the World Trade Center minutes before it collapsed. Therapy helped her cope with that experience.

MDemisay:
Dear Soundy,

Just after my diagnosis in 2004, I initially looked up brain tumors (not the ANA) and I listed myself as having one at this time I knew relatively little about brain tumors (whether benign or malignant) BIG GIGANTIC MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of epic proportions!!! You see I had mistakenly listed myself on a malignant site.

Pretty soon my aol box became full of messages from people that were mostly dying!!!! and the relatives of those who were going through loss! Sufice it to say I became extremely worked up and depressed. Until I did one thing, I got off that site double quick!

If you become overly concerned about this aspect of it, know this that there is little you can do about it once it has become malignant other than pray! You don't have a malignant one do you?

We (benigns) differ from the malignants in that our tumors don't spread and that's a GOOD thing!

Don't worry be happy! We are very fortunate that way! Don't get me wrong, we will all die someday! Just not that soon, or as soon as the people with the malignant ones do!

Mike

Soundy:
Thanks for replies.
 
Arizonajack... one child (the 2 year old) is still alive and fighting. He is having a rough time but still fighting. he is preparing to have another round of chemo which the doctors are going to be "his worse yet". Pray for JC Bass in his fight.

I am glad I am alive but don't fear dying.I don't regret being alive and try to take each day as a gift.  That is why I disagree with the survivor remorse thing. We all have to go sometime. And I am OK with that. I didn't even lie to my girls then 8 and 10 when they asked if I could die in surgery. Death is just the final chapter in living. I almost drown nearly 30 years ago and figured God had more for me to do, so the Elk River was ordered to spit me up and not take me. I am feeling better than I did when I posted originally.

Talked to a counselor on the 21st who says he thinks I have MDD (Major Depression Disorder) I disagree. I am a bit depressed. Maybe a little more than what I went through shortly after surgery. He wants to put me on a cocktail of  Ambien, Bupropion, aripiprazole,  L-Triiodothyronine. This is not going to happen. Other than Ambien, I haven't heard of any of these. Still have scripts in truck with no intention of filling them. I am not that depressed. When I had issues before I took a low dose of Prozac with no problems. It took the edge off and helped me relax enough to function and work through everything that was going on. That would be my first choice in treatment. Even my regular doctor said that the cocktail was too much to just jump into taking. I go back Friday to both doctors. Head shrink first then regular.

I spent most of December going to PT building up abs and back muscles to support spine and hips. I have had hip and back pain for years. Bone density scan shows bone loss to hip bones and lower spine. I am trying to build muscle in order to avoid implant of rods. Now insurance has stopped paying for PT. Working on it at home. Also taking some arthritis meds , lyrica for headaches, steroids for lupus issues and blood pressure medication. It has taking a while to get right combos of these drugs to work without interfering with each other or making me drowsy. Don't want to mess up what is going right medically with addition of  four new pills to make me sleep better and cheer me up.

I also have been talking to a few friends that know me well. And our preacher. No one thinks I am as depressed as the counselor has decided I am. I know he is trained in this field, but I think he is wrong. I think I am super busy with my girls, health issues, the farm and life in general that I get overwhelmed occasionally , resulting in reoccurring mild depression. This is how I am going to present things to him Friday and go from there. I think his original diagnosis is wrong and that that handful of pills would make me into a zombie. I don't want to be so medicated that I walk around in a fog. If nothing else I can fire him and find someone else.

Again thinks for replies and just being here. I wish I had never had to join this forum but at same time not sorry. The support and camaraderie here has helped me more than I can tell you.

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